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Author's Chapter Notes:
How this story was conceived ...

Katja: Okay, the following story needs a few explanatory words, I guess. It all started with Jesse and me discussing Maria's Alien Back to Earth story, which we really like. However, I jokingly complained that I was kinda envious of her (Jess - full name Jessica...! DOH!), because she got to play with our favorite marine in that story, but I didn't (go figure). Next thing I knew, Jess sent me this first installment to make me have some of that dream-marine, too. LOL! (Yes, one of my other pseudo-names is The Alien Queen, after all!) But what now, we thought? Hicks, the object of affection for three females? And this was when we started thinking we'd write an Alien Soap Opera, because one guy and three women (more or less ... this could only mean trouble... BIIIIIGGG TROUBLE! Well, and the more we wrote, the more stars asked to get a cameo in this, and, well, you know, it eventually became another one of those stupid, good-for-nuthin' spoof-stories, which will nevertheless and hopefully and give some of you a laugh or two. (Don't be confused if the story jumps right in - it's just the way it happened)... Here goes.

Jesse: Katja and me love Ruffles potato chips. Hence, the inside jokes on them!
Aliens - General Alien Hospital artwork by Tarlan

Dwayne Hicks looked deeply into Ripley's eyes. Passion filled the room. They embraced each other in a hug, not wanting to let this beautiful moment sleep. His green eyes stabbed into her pools of brown and together, they leaned closer, ready to unlock their inner desires.

When, alas, Jessica came running in, screaming: "Hicks! How could you!"

She slapped Hicks hard in the face and cried a river of tears. Hicks looked at her, caught.

"I'm so sorry, Jessica," he replied softly and hugged her. Dwayne Hicks looked deeply into Jessica's eyes. Passion filled the room. They embraced each other in a hug, not wanting to let this beautiful moment sleep. His green eyes stabbed into her pools of brown and together, they leaned closer, ready to unlock their inner desires.

When, alas, the Queen alien came running in, screaming: "&$&@*!! H#*@*@!"

She slapped Hicks hard in the face and drooled a lot of acid. Hicks looked at her, caught.

"I'm so sorry, Alien," he replied softly and hugged her. Dwayne Hicks looked deeply into the non-existent eyes and bulky black, deformed head. Passion filled the room. They embraced each other in a hug, not wanting to let this beautiful moment sleep. His green eyes stabbed into her drooling, smelling teeth, they leaned closer, ready to unlock their inner desires...

"Oh my Queen," he whispered breathlessly, "I never wanted to hurt you. I will always love you, and only you."

His deeply passionate words overwhelmed the extra-terrestrial, and with a few very soft hisses she crushed him to her chest cavity in an effort to be even closer to him, to become one with him. She was too carried away to hear his half-chocked cry against her chest, just held on and wanted to hold him like that for all eternity. But what was that little crunching noise that suddenly disturbed her? Why was her lover so limb in her four arms all of a sudden? Oops and she let loose, and the handsome, green-eyed Marine sank to the ground with broken eyes.

'Oh no!' she thought, desperate. 'What have I done? *@&$$$++##Q!!!!!'

In her pain, she whirled around, throwing her arms to the moon in her plea to unmake the terrible deed, decapitating Ripley with her razor-sharp tail in the process without noticing. Jessica though cleverly managed to avoid the razor of doom and stormed to her fallen lover, crying an ocean of tears this time, as rivers would not suffice.

"Oh Dwayne! You can't be dead! Please no!" She stood up, facing the still mourning Queen's behind. "Oh Mistress of Evil, if I can't have him, then please let me join him! Kill me, too!"


Last time in General Alien Hospital, Hicks lay on the ground, lifeless and all. But as in every typical soap opera show, Hicks miraculously recovered. How is well is he? Find out now in...General Alien Hospital...

And so Hicks laid on the soft bed, constantly being monitored by Ripley, who sat by his side. She wept and wept, seeing how frail he was.

"Oh, Hicks..." she said breathlessly, "I'm gonna kick that b*** in the face for doing this to you!"

"No, my love. Let it be..."

"But that's NOT enough!" Ripley grew enraged. "She has to suffer!"

"Yeah, that's right!" echoed Jessica, who emerged from the room's entry. "She almost killed you!"

"That Queenie is going down!" Ellen screamed maniacally, laughing sinisterly, "Down, I tell you! DOWN!!! Hoo-hoo-ha-ha-ha!"

"Leave her alone!" cried Hicks and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried...until FINALLY he stopped.

"Why are you like this?" Ripley screamed.

"Yeah," Jessica added, "Do you love her more than us?"

"It's not that..." Hicks grew quiet, not wanting to explain.

" it?" Ripley asked softly.

"It's..." and then Hicks shook his head. "No, I can't...I can't tell you."

"Why not?!" Jessica demanded. "Tell us!"


"She's WHAT?"


"*&#*@&! Tell us already, you idiot!" Ripley yelled.

"She's carrying my child!" Hicks finally answered.


In last week's episode, Hicks was recovered steadily in the hospital after a nearly fatal accident between the Queen and him. However, we also discovered a shocking revelation: the Queen was bearing Hicks' child! Will Ripley and Jessica take this in kind? Or is this all just the beginning in...General Alien Hospital?

"Yuck!" Ripley spat. "I don't even want to follow that thought!"

Her last attempt at keeping her dignity intact failing, she puked on her lover's bed, which instantaneously grossed the tough marine out of his wits, and he puked onto Jessica's handbag on the chair at his bedside.

"Hey!" the owner protested weakly, but an alarming sour taste in the back of her throat cut her off, and she puked on the floor.

"Oh no and my Ruffles!" she sniffled when she caught her breath again. "Do you know how hard they are to come by these days? Idiot!"

She slapped his head.

"Ouch! Excuse me, doll," the object of her anger grumbled. "I'm being injured here, okay? I'm in the hospital! I barely survived! So would you please stop punching me?"

"But you deserve it, Dwayne," Ripley came to Jessica's aid. "How could you?! I mean, not technically, ewwww, but ...come had a choice here. How could you prefer her to us?"

"But I don't!" Hicks realized that all of a sudden, all his priceless relationships were at stake. "I love you all with all of my heart!"

He looked into skeptic faces. "I love all three of you for who you are!"

"What do you love her for?" Jessica stood there in a buffalo stance, sulking. Ripley laid one arm around her shoulder and joined her.

"Yeah, big shot, what's the deal with that queen bitch of the universe?"

"You are just being envious, Ellen," he spoke with that soft voice of his. "Come on, look past your anger, and what you'll see is a living, breathing, sensitive female, uh, female. She's very good with children, and--"

"She's a bug, for Christ's sake!" Ripley yelled. "She's ugly! She has four arms and a head that's bigger than you! She has a tail!! She--she's an extra-terrestrial, for crying out loud! You must be a pervert to love her! And if you really do, I will leave you! I will not compete against a giant bug, okay? Forget about it, Honey!!"


In last week's episode, both Ripley and Jessica revealed their hostility towards the Queen. While Hicks tried to mend the wounds, Ripley was unable to calm down and Jessica had little to say about it, instead using her handbag again and again. Will the trio find common ground? Will the three overcome this obstacle? Will the three look at each other the way they used to? Such is the dilemma in...General Alien Hospital.

And so Jessica looked below, where her Ruffles now took the shape of a glob of yellow. Still, there was one more chip in there, right? Hurriedly, and without Ripley or Hicks looking, she took the chip from the glob and ate it. Mmmm...potato chips...


"Hicks! How could you!" screamed Ripley in rage. "How could you BE with that...THING? When did this happen? Tell me!"

Hicks looked down, shrugged. "C'mon, honey, don't be mad--"

"Mad?!" Ripley yelled. "Mad?! Boy, 'mad' doesn't describe how I feel!"

"Look, just calm down. Here, have a potato chip." He offered her a bag of Ruffles he had managed to sneak into the room. Ripley eagerly grabbed it before Jessica took notice of it and started eating away.

"I'm still *crunch, crunch* mad at you," Ripley replied, still eating. "*crunch, crunch* Don't think I'll ever forget this. *crunch*"

"But you know how I feel, right?" began Hicks softly. "I mean, I know the relationship you had with the other Queen in the Auriga. You even had that Newborn kid together. And you two were FEMALES."

Hicks stopped, began to think. Suddenly, there was something wrong with this.

"And then there was that OTHER relationship," he continued. "With an android that was also female."

Jessica and Hicks both looked at Ripley's direction. She slowly stopped eating the potato chips. For some odd reason, Ripley sure did look red.

"And then in the Nostromo, you got a little close with that Lambert woman, even asking her if she slept with Ash..." he continued.

Ripley's face grew redder.

"And you're a huge fan of that 'Xena: Warrior Princess' show..."

Ripley dropped the bag.

"And you slept with Clemens in a place where there were no women, only men..."

Ripley's breath grew heavy.

"And you always act like a man..."

"Hicks," Ripley broke in nervously, "what are you implying?"

Hicks thought for a second. So did Jessica. Silence filled the room and tension grew. It remained that way for what seemed like an eternity. And then, suddenly, it came to him. It struck him like a bolt of lightning.

"Holy $#%!" he screamed. "You're--!"


In last week's episode, frustration and tension built between Hicks, Jessica, and Ripley. Yet, another shocking revelation was revealed. Dwayne Hicks discovered something that could seriously damage, and possibly, destroy, his relation with Ripley. What was this discovery? And just what was Hicks implying to Ripley? Answers will be revealed in...General Alien Hospital.

"Oh no--" Jessica whispered, terror leaving her breathless.

Quickly she shook off Ripley's arm and took a step back. Could it be that Ripley had been hitting on Hicks just to get to know...her?? Had she been blind all the time?

Ripley's eyes became narrow slits, sparkling with hell-fire as her alien-genes and or whatever and began to take over.

"So? So what? Do you really think I was interested in you? It's Jess here I'm after, and I won't let you ruin it all for me, okay? You narrow-minded, vain jerk, I'll show you to disparage me in front of the love of my life!"

She lunged at him, displaying a sparkling set of diamond-hard, chrome-teeth Hicks hadn't noticed until this second, and and crashed against the Alien Queen, which suddenly appeared through the door and acted with inhuman speed to save her precious lover.

"Ooof!" Ripley sank to her knees, all wind knocked out of her lungs, and stared up at the towering Queen, which had donned a nurse's gurney and hat to sneak into the room unnoticed, only to rip it off with dramatic effect now.

"++@@$$ ?!!!&&$% $!!!" Her four hands grabbed Ripley's hands and legs, and with one incredible jolt she ripped her apart!!!

"Nooooooooo!!!!!" Hicks jumped out of the bed, hair standing on edge, arms locking around the Queen's left leg in a futile attempt to pull her away from the woman he had loved until this very second.

" so sick!" Jessica mumbled to herself and lost the next serving of Ruffles from her heaving stomach, while Hicks continued to pummel the E.T.

"Let go off her, you--you--" The giant head turned around to him, and with a compassionate hiss, the Queen showed him..."Huh?"

Cables hung out of Ripley 's torn limbs and 'Cables???!!' and and the two pools of white liquid that had accumulated under the body could not be mistaken. His legs gave in, and he sat his precious behind on the floor.

"!! She's an android! Ripley android!"

He opened his hand to receive what the Queen had carefully scratched out of Ripley's head to prove her case. The CPU. 'Microsoft Love Machine 5.2' stood there in small, silver letters. God, he felt sick all of a sudden...

"So...does this change anything between us?" He looked up. Looked around. Jessica, still on her knees and trying to recover from the grossest thing she had ever witnessed, shook her head no.

"Uh...Your Majesty?" The Queen shook her head no...then pointed a finger at...Ripley's severed head. The eyes were open, and the expression of impatience in them not to miss...

Android, Ripley was an android...Hicks looked down at the white pool that was once Ripley. Just when he thought he knew all about the woman, something came back to bite him in the @ss. Then again, he should've known. He always thought it strange to constantly find her drinking the oil from his car's generator. Still, he loved her and kneeled down to pick up the circuits, cables, artificial intestines, plastic heart, and, uh, digested Ruffles potato chips.

"I still love her..." he told himself quietly.

"*$#@%&?" the Queen alien asked in rage.

"That's right!" Hicks said. "I still love her! And I'm gonna do everything I can to get her back to life, uh, I mean online."

He inspected the white mess, trying to find the 'on' switch. Doh! The batteries were low. He'd need to find replacements. He checked the back of Ripley's head: 'Made in Taiwan'. Well, looked like he had to go over there and get 'em.

Meanwhile, two FBI agents entered the room, gasping the moment they saw the mess. The red-haired woman looked at Hicks curiously.

"I'm Agent Dana Scully from the FBI," she said. "This is my partner, Mulder. We're here to--"

But before Scully could finish her sentence, Agent Mulder walked past her and looked at the Queen alien in amazement. At last! An alien! The truth really WAS out there! Or rather, here!

"See?" he screamed, but sounded dead as always, "I told you! Aliens DO exist!"

"What are you talking about?" Scully asked, skeptical as always.

"Can't you see her?" He pointed at the Queen. "There!"

"Mulder, there's got to be a logical explanation for this..."

"Like what?! It's a costume?!"

"Please, Mulder, don't embarrass me..."

"Embarrass you?! We're talking about the absolute existence of extra-terrestrials and you're thinking of your reputation!"

"Mulder! Don't get me started on this!"

As the two agents continued to argue, Hicks collected all of Ripley's parts. No need to stick around here much longer. He had to work fast.

"Where are you going?" Jessica asked in concern.

Hicks ignored her and headed for the exit of his room. The Queen alien stood in Hicks' way.


"Don't worry, honey, I'll be back," he told her gently.


"Look," he began, "I know you're carrying my child! But I've gotta do this! I love Ripley, believe it or not! I mean, who else is going to manage to fit in that skimpy underwear of hers? Certainly not you!"


"No honey, I didn't mean to hurt you. Of course you didn't gain weight."

The Queen instantly grabbed him by the arm, not wanting him to leave. He brushed her off and she let out a scream. And with that, Hicks left the hospital room, not really caring that his hospital gown was showing his naked rear to unexpected onlookers. Even Scully had to pause from her heated argument to look...

"Mmmmm..." she purred.

"Yeah, I know," Mulder said as he looked on admiringly.

Scully frowned.

"Hey and now I know why you wouldn't sleep with me for seven long years and kept your distance, even though Fox and no, not you, Twentieth Century Fox! received tons of fan mail requesting that we'd get it on! Geez, I spared myself for you ALL THESE YEARS...and now you're gay!"

"Shit happens," a guttural voice replied and made both Scully and Mulder turn around. The Queen!

"You speak our language?" Mulder inquired fascinated. The E.T. flailed her four arms in every direction.

"$%&@@!![@***!" (Subtitles reading: "Only those two words. I learned them when I met with that Ripley-woman...again...and again...and again...!!!")

"Wow," the FBI agent gasped, pointing at the words on the floor. "I wonder who is doing that?"

"Who cares?" Scully scowled, turning to the exit. "I'm going to get me some fresh meat! I'm not going to waste another minute of my life waiting for you, Zombie!"

"WAIT...A ...SECOND!" Jessica jumped into her way and blocked the exit with every single inch of her 5'3! "He's mine!"

"?}@@##&%$$!!!" The Queen joined her, jumping into the doorway too, accidentally stomping Jessica into the ground that way.

In the meantime, Fox Mulder had grabbed his long-term partner's collar and yanked her towards him brutally.

"If you touch him, I'll kill you, Scully! I mean it!" He wasn't ready for her surprised smile.

"Oh, Fox...all this sudden passion from you after seven years of sleepwalking...are you sure you're gay?" She licked her lips suggestively.

Mulder was caught off guard and paused to think it through again, while the Queen and Jessica looked at each other in puzzlement, then determination.

"Let them discuss whatever they want," Jessica suggested. "I'm not going to get my dream guy get away!" And with these words, she dashed down the corridor, followed closely by the pregnant E.T.

'The Man', in the meantime, had reached the hospital's lobby and occupied one of the phone booths, ignoring the crowd he had attracted with his unusual outfit, and had finally found the number he been looking for. Transportation. He needed transportation.

"Hello? My name is Dwayne Hicks. I need a lift to Taiwan, please?"

"There are no lifts between the U.S. and Taiwan, stupid," a male voice drawled a heavy Scottish accent. "There's a lot of water between them! Better get a plane!"

"I mean I NEED TRANSPORTATION, BARBARIAN JERK!" Hicks yelled into the receiver. "Your ad is in the yellow pages, and now you wanna tell me you're too stupid to provide service? But what am I expecting, you don't even speak our language, right? BEAM ME UP, comprende?"

"Oh--" the voice made, suddenly understanding. "You mean, beam you up, yes? Why didn't you say so? And Captain!!! Got a paying customer to Taiwan!...Uh, what?--Excuse me a second. Can you hold on, please?"

"Okay, but hurry up, okay?" the Marine yelled, suddenly becoming aware of the helter shelter in the lobby. People--mostly women, some men--hey, wasn't this the FBI agent?--and an Extra-Terrestrial--his beloved Queen- all fighting and virtually kill each other to get near his phone booth. The ugly sight made his hair--however short it was--stand on end.

"Hello?" He could hear someone mumble on the other end: "Taiwan? But that's on Earth, Spock, isn't it? We only do interplanetary transportation! Short routes don't pay!"

"But Captain, we can't be picky here," Hicks heard another voice, "The Federation threw us out because you never obeyed orders! We need this job, however lousy it pays!"

"But--" the first voice said.

"Uh, hello? Hellooo-ho???" Hicks stared in horror at the scenario unfolding beyond his phone booth. There was this psycho glint in the eyes of that redhead who was heading straight for him now, and nobody even tried to stop her, as they were all occupied with themselves. She would get him! She would be upon him every second now.

"HELP ME!!!"


In last week's episode, we discovered Ripley's shocking secret and agenda. Yet, nothing was compared to the fact that Ripley was actually a robot! Destroyed by the Queen, Hicks ran to his artificial lover to repair the damage that was done to her, regardless of his mixed feelings about her being a robot. And in the midst of things, Agent Scully and Mulder arrived at the hospital who threatened to take the Queen away from Hicks. What will happen between Scully and Hicks...and Mulder...and Jessica...and the Alien queen...and their love-robot Ripley! Will they all become a family and live happily ever after? Will they turn into the Space Waltons? Will Jessica and the Queen put up with Hicks anymore? Once Ripley goes back online, will she have feelings for Hicks? Or will he have to implant the program into her? Finally, will Hicks put on some ***** clothes? Keep tuning in! The answers are revealed in... General Alien Hospital.

Dwayne Hicks waited anxiously near the telephone as he saw the redheaded woman charge his way. His fingers nervously twiddle around the phone's cord and his breath grew heavy with every passing second. If only the darn man on the other line would hurry it up!

"" the man on the other line asked. "I... couldn't... hear... you... well..."

"*&%$!" Dwayne yelled angrily. "Taiwan! I'm going to Taiwan! And OF COURSE I'm calling long distant, dimwit, so hurry it up! My phone bill is up to my head already!"

"Oh..." said the voice, "YOU'RE...the"

"Yes!" Dwayne yelled again. "Me! ME!!! I'm going to Taiwan!"



"Oh..." the man said slowly. "You' ...Taiwan..."

"Yes!" Hicks began to sound exhausted. "I'm GOING--TO--TAIWAN!"

"So...? Why...are"

"Because YOU'RE taking me there!"

"Oh..." said the voice calmly. "But...we...can't ...go"

"And why not?" Dwayne asked bewilderedly.

"Because...Scotty, our engineer..."

"Yes?" Hicks cut in, trying to hurry the man up.


"Yes, yes, Scotty did WHAT?"

"Scotty has just...eaten...our...ship's...pilot..."


"He mistook him...for...a...Hamburger...since he came...from Hamburg, Germany...and they're... known... to be Hamburgers..."

"MAN!" growled Hicks.

"" said the voice. " ...question?"

"Why not?" Hicks stated sarcastically, throwing his arms in the air. "You seem to get on my nerves as it is, I might as well amuse myself with you further, dimwit!"

" woman there...with the last name... Hugginkiss...? First name Amanda?"

"No, " Hicks said, "I don't have Amanda Hugginkiss..."

"Don't ...worry..." said the voice on the other line. "You...can...always...find... one... HOO! HOO! HA! HA! HA!"

Hicks abruptly frowned just realizing the sound of the words when he put the names together. Amanda Hugginkiss ...A man da hug 'n' kiss...


"HOO! HOO! HA! HA! HA!" laughed the prankster on the other line.

"ARRRGGH!" Hicks slammed the phone back to the receiver.

As he turned he saw the redheaded woman only within a few inches away. Her partner was coming from behind. Desperately, Hicks hurriedly took off at full speed ahead., carrying the bag that contained Ripley's body parts. He ran down a hospital's hallway and noticed the crowd chasing after him. He took a left turn and saw the hospital's exit. Right as he was about to go through it, an officer stopped him.

"Excuse me," the officer said and held Hicks back with his arm.

Hicks froze in place.

"I need to ask you a question," the officer said.

Hicks nervously nodded. Great, what now?

The officer pulled out a photo. "Have you seen this boy?"

Hicks took a glimpse of the photo. The name John Connor was below.


"Oh, okay," the T-1000 said and left.

Dwayne saw him leave, but then shrugged. Noise from behind shifted his attention back to the anxious mob. Who knew he was such a hottie? It must be the cologne he was wearing. He smiled and turned back to the exit door. Well, time to get out of this joint and head over to Taiwan...

...when and all of a sudden and he heard a heart-rending scream from the lobby, which stopped him dead in his tracks. His Queen...his beloved Queen...! He turned around, at the point of going back, but still unsure.

"Oh...yuck...what is this slimy glob?" he heard someone say.

"--Watch it, she's falling!" another voice added.

The thud of something heavy fell on the floor. Hicks took a step. Another one. What was--?

"Oh no--she's giving birth!" he realized, "Let's get her into the delivery room!"

Now he ran. The whole excitement had been too much for the sensitive alien. Man, he should have known, he blamed himself. She always wanted to appear so tough, as if nothing could ever hurt her, but underneath her chitinous body armor was the heart of a concerned, deeply passionate female being. It was so easy to overlook. So what if someone had four arms, a spiked tail, two deadly jaws and a head the size of a small automobile and did this make one a monster by definition?

'I'm coming, my love!' he thought and silently cursed when the bag with the Ripley parts beat against his legs repeatedly.

Ripley...she had failed to see the Queen's sensitive side all along. She had hated her. Had been envious of her...and threatened to kill her! He stopped to look at the bag with sudden insecurity. Did he really want Ripley back? Sure, she was quite a sight in that skimpy underwear, but she was also tough as nails and had made his friends at the Marine Corps--and himself--ook like pussies most of the time. Did he really want a lover who would kick his ass whenever he didn't satisfy her every need? Nope! He tossed the bag aside, and a much greater weight than its contents dropped off his back. He was free and at last!!

"I'm coming, Queenie!" he yelled, "Hold on!"

In the lobby in the meantime, the general slaughter had turned into a spectacle, and all people--bruised, bleeding, whatever--had formed an expectant circle around the big E.T. which writhed in agony. Jessica had the chief of the hospital by his tie and threatened to hang him with it.

"You will help her NOW, understand? Who cares if she's an alien?"

"But--cough--ugh...she won't...gasp into the...the delivery room!"

The man's face had turned to an astounding tomato-red. Another--although more natural--redhead appeared in his vision.

"I'm a doctor. I can help her." Scully's tone was firm as she eyed the mess. "Just get me towels...uhm...water...and a scalpel."

"Scully," her partner, Mulder, mumbled into her left ear. "You sure you wanna do this?"

She turned around to face him, while the doctors hasted to get her the things she needed.

"Mulder, are you serious? This is my one chance in a lifetime to find out everything about an alien life form! This thing has turned me into a believer, something you couldn't manage for 7 years, and now I have to know everything about it!"

"Okay," he agreed uncomfortably. "Just remember to be easy with this scalpel, alright? Your 'victim' is still alive!"

"Don't worry," she tried to calm him. "I know what to do. It's a 'women's thing.'"

She took the scalpel from the doctor and moved to begin, when someone rammed into her from behind with a battle cry. They landed on the floor with a painful thud, her attacker still on her back and trying to wrench the scalpel from her hand.

"You're not going to hurt her, you hear me? GIVE...ME...THAT...THING!!!!!!" a sudden scream came from behind.


In last week's episode, Hicks was about to hitch a ride for Taiwan. Yet, 'complications' occurred during the travel reservation and he suddenly heard his love, the Queen, ready to give birth to their child. Faced with deciding whom to choose, Ripley or the Queen, he decided to go with the mother of his child. Meanwhile, Agent Scully was with the Queen to assist with the delivery. However, a mysterious attacker attacked her, forcing the delivery to be postponed. How will it all end? Will the Queen and Hicks have their baby? How is Jessica going to take it? Will Mulder reveal the identity oft the mysterious person who attacked his partner? Finally, what is this Officer up to (the one who showed Hicks the photo of John Connor earlier), who is secretly inspecting the contents of the bag Hicks threw away in the corridor and mumbling "Say...that's a nice body!" to himself????? Find out in this dramatic final episode of... General Alien Hospital.

"I said give me that scalpel!" Ripley said. "I'LL be the one that kills her!"

"Ripley...?" Jessica shouted in surprise.

Yes. It was Ripley. Alive. In one piece. In fact, she was as good as new! Ripley looked at Jessica with a stern face.

"That's right! The B**** is back, baby," Ripley answered.

"How...?!" Jessica gasped.

"Does it really matter? Don't you know me at all?" Ripley exaggerated. "I'm Ripley! I NEVER die, not so long as those dimwits in Fox Studios keep wanting another Alien movie and those pathetic boy fans keep wanting to see more. No one even EXPLAINED how those facehuggers got on board the Sulaco in Alien 3! Or how Hicks knew that Newt was wearing my watch in Aliens. It's Hollywood, baby! The way for the future!"

Ripley growled at the Queen alien and threatened to use the scalpel on her. The Queen, too much in pain, only moaned, wanting help. But just when Ripley was about to throw down the scalpel at the ET, Hicks grabbed Ripley from behind and threw her to the ground.

"What are you doing?!" he yelled.

"Get off me!" Ripley struggled.

Meanwhile, Mulder helped Scully from the floor. She sighed in relief while watching Ripley and Hicks wrestle each other.

"Thanks, Mulder," she said, "It's about TIME you made yourself useful instead continuously rambling on about the existence of aliens, apocalyptic future events, the infamous Smoking Man, FBI's conspiracies, the black oil virus, and Santa Clause's true home."

"I'm telling you, Scully! Santa lives in Texas! All the weirdoes live in Texas!"

Jessica looked in horror as Ripley and Hicks rolled onto the floor. They soon stood up and began punching each other in a boxing match. Ripley gave Hicks a roundhouse punch that threw back Hicks' head. He responded by doing the same move. The fight soon ended when Hicks managed to grab a part of Ripley's hair. To his surprise, her entire hair came off! It was a wig!

"Well?" Ripley began, "I'm over two hundred years old! What did you expect? Of COURSE I no longer have hair! And you know what?! Look!"

Ripley took out her teeth and waved them at Hicks' face. He yelped. Then Ripley showed him her hearing aid. He gasped again. Afterwards, she took off the tissue paper from her shirt, revealing a sagging chest.

"And you know what else?" she said powerfully, "That power loader of mines isn't really a power loader. It's just a turbo-action wheel chair that I only got for fifty bucks in Sears because of my senior discount. There! How do you like that, sonny!"

Hicks couldn't take anymore when he heard that last part. He fainted.

Meanwhile, the Queen screamed, directing everyone's attention towards her. The nagging old lady, Ripley, immediately snarled and tried to make her way to the beast. Mulder ran to stop her. Assisted by Jessica, they held her back while Scully went to the Queen's side to help with the birth.

"Okay...push!" Scully demanded as she took her place.

"*&^%$#@!" the Queen yelled in agony, failing her arms above her head.


The Queen screamed agony, summoning all of her strength. Never had she felt so much agony! Well, maybe when Ripley rammed her with the wheel chair (a.k.a. Power Loader), but that was a different story.

"Come on!" Scully insisted, "We're almost there! You can do it!"

As the Queen complied, a doctor came running into the scene. He froze as he saw the Queen laying on the ground giving birth. Mulder, Jessica, and Ripley noticed how pale he looked.

"Who are you?" Mulder asked.

"I'm Doctor Green from E.R."

Ripley straightened up. Even Mulder and Jessica were surprised that she was no longer fighting them and instead, smiling. My, she thought, he looks handsome.

"Do you like older women?" she asked with a sly grin.

"Uh..." he began.

"I'm good at toasting eggs," she replied. "Especially alien ones."

Doctor Green shook his head, "Look, um, I'm here for the Queen."

"Figures," Jessica sighed, "Everyone wants her. (Sniff, sniff) What does SHE have that I don't have?! So help me, if it's about her perfect teeth..."

"Actually," Doctor Green said, "I'm her doctor. I came in to say that I made a mistake."

"Push!" Scully told the Queen in the meantime. "C'mon! We're almost there! Just a little more!"

The Queen pushed again. Scully could almost see it coming. She stopped staring, however. Behind her was a police officer that was looking at the scene awkwardly.

"Uh, excuse me, miss," he said.

Scully looked up. "Yes?"

She immediately smiled dashingly when she saw him. The officer was certainly cute. Hmmm...Maybe...?

"Can I ask you a question?" he asked.

"Yes, I'm single," she laughed shyly.

"No. Have you seen this boy?" the officer showed her a photo with the name John Connor at the bottom.


"Thanks for cooperation anyway," the T-1000 said and began to move away.

"Wait!" she held him by his arm and smiled again. "Can I ask YOU a question?"


"How would you like replacing my zombie-like partner, Mulder, in the next season of the X-Files?"

The T-1000 thought. Well, it'd certainly be better than tracking down some punk. A change IS good for the soul, isn't it? And what the hell, the red chick looked F-I-N-E! He shrugged his shoulders.


"Great," Scully nodded, "Do you have a name?"

"The T-1000."

Scully shook her head. "Naw. We'll have to do better than that. Let me see...Let's call you... Doggett. Agent Doggett!"

'Agent Doggett' nodded to the name. Scully blushed but soon went back to tending to the Queen.

"Okay," she said, "One more time and we're done! It's almost over!"


"Mistake?" Mulder inquired, "What kind of mistake?"

"It was pretty stupid of me to overlook it," Doctor Green began, "But I was so busy with trying to outdo that damn George Clooney character..."

"So what KIND of mistake are we talking about here?" Jessica interrupted.

"It's not serious of anything. Though, I'd steer clear from here in about a second or so."

"What do you mean?" Ripley asked.

"The Queen," he answer, "She isn't pregnant."

"What?!" exclaimed all three.


But before he can finish, Scully looked in horror as the Queen pushed one last time. She froze in place, trying to scream in horror but finding her vocal cords not working. When she finally managed a yelp, it was cut short as a glob of green stuff ejected out of the Queen and spilled the FBI agent from head-to-toe. The event was soon followed by the sound of gas. Everyone inside the lobby area immediately covered their noses, all wanting to puke. The horrible smell even woke Hicks up.

"The hell!" he covered his nose, "Oh, this just stinks, man!"

He looked at the Queen who was exploding gas from her rear end. He shook his head at her. "Um, I think we should see other people."

Doctor Green held his breath as he concluded to everyone, "...Like I said, the Queen wasn't pregnant. She just has a serious case of indigestion."


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