"Welcome! Today on the Ricki Springer Show, our guests are going to be revealing secrets they've been hiding but are dying to reveal. Secret crushes. Longing from afar, these pining souls have finally worked up the courage to tell the objects of their desire how they really feel."

Cheers and catcalls from the audience.

"Our first guest is Mary Travis. Mary is a single mother who works in the newspaper business. On the outside, she seems to be the picture of professionalism and ladylike gentility, but inside she has a fire raging out of control. Give it up for Mary!"

The curtain opens to reveal Mary, wearing a white blouse and long skirt. Her hair is back in a barrette in a style befitting any good 4th grader. Mary starts down the walkway toward her chair, strutting as if she's on her way to confront a governor. As she sits demurely in the chair, there are more catcalls and a few woofs. Ricki waits patiently for the audience to calm down.

"The object of Mary's desire is Chris, a hot-to-trot lawman. Mary and Chris are friends, but she wants more, much more. Isn't that right, Mary?"

"That's right, Ricki. Mr. Larabee and I would be perfect together."

"But he's too fine to be platonic?"

"Oh, yes," Mary answers.

"So, what's the hold up?"

"I don't know," Mary says, raising her chin. "He just seems not to notice me. I've tried everything - lower necklines, trying to make him jealous by getting engaged to another man, having my former father-in-law hire him, helping him get his best friend out of trouble with the law. I've even used my son as a pawn to draw his affection, but nothing works."

"Honey, pull down that neckline even more, because we're here to open Mr. Larabee's eyes!"

A shot of Chris backstage. He's sitting in a chair, one leg leisurely crossed over the other, pretending to read a book. Dressed in black, his light hair slightly tousled, he draws gasps from the female audience members.

"Whoa baby!" Ricki exclaims, and there are whistles of agreement from the audience. "That's a fine piece of man! Now Chris doesn't know why he's here. He thinks were doing a show on firearm safety. But he's about to find out that he's the target! Let's bring out Chris."

Chris walks onto the stage. His tight black jeans draw cheers of appreciation from the audience, which he silences with an icy glare. He looks at Mary, surprised.

"Mary?" he asks. "What are you doing here?"

"Mr. Larabee, I..."

"Hold up right there," Ricki interrupts. "You're never going to get into those jeans of his with that Mr. Larabee stuff."

"Excuse me?" Chris asks.

"Go on, Mary, tell him."

"Mr. Larabee...Chris...I...well, I have a crush on you."

Chris's face remains impassive, although his eyes narrow slightly as he ponders how to respond. The audience is silent.

Finally, he says, "Duh."

"Excuse me?"

"You couldn't be more obvious if you were wearing a sign," Chris says.

"But I thought you didn't notice?" Mary is in shock.

"I was being polite, Mrs. Travis. I'm just not interested."

A low oooooh runs through the audience.

"Chris just cut Mary down to size," Ricki intones. "But that's not all. We also have a surprise for Mary. She's got a bit of competition for Chris's affection. Come on out, Lydia!"

Lydia walks onto the stage wearing a skin-tight skirt and a halter-top. She bounces towards Chris and sits right in his lap. The audience goes wild, and Chris smiles like a well-fed lion. Mary's face turns apple red. A small vein begins to pulse in her forehead.

"You... you whore!" Mary screams and throws herself at Lydia. The two begin rolling around the stage, tearing at hair and scratching at eyes. Chris watches with bemused detachment.

"Well, Chris, what do you think of all this?" Ricki asks. "Ever had two women fight over you before?"

"Nope."

"So which is it? Mary or Lydia?"

"Truth be told, I'm partial to Vin."

"We'll save that for another show. After we come back from commercial, Nettie reveals her true feelings for Guy, the man who tried to steal her land."

Cut to Mary and Lydia, still rolling around the stage. Lydia catches Mary in a headlock and begins twisting one of her ears, causing Mary to howl like a banshee. Fade to commercial.

THE END :-)