Curran stood in the doorway watching the young man pace. He knew that Hawkins was still pumped up from the mission, the tension and energy obvious in his every movement. But he also knew that Hawkins hadn't learned how to handle it yet. That rush could be addictive but it could also be dangerous, especially for someone like Hawkins.
"God, what a rush."
"Hawkins..."
"Yeah, I know. I need to get it under control, boss. But it's such a rush."
Curran looked into the hallway then moved into the room and closed the door behind him. "Hawkins, this isn't the kind of rush you need. You start craving this and you start losing control, then someone gets hurt or gets dead."
"I can handle it, Boss."
Curran didn't look convinced. "You need to find some way to deal with this, Hawkins."
Hawkins smirked as he moved closer and pushed the older man back against the wall. "You offering a way to work off the excess energy, boss?"
Curran's hands came up to Hawkins' hips and pulled him closer. "If we were anywhere else, I would. Our present location isn't ideal for that kind of exercise."
"Tomorrow, your place?"
Curran nodded. Hawkins leaned in for a quick kiss before Curran pulled away and headed for the door. He turned to the younger man. "Remember what I said, Hawkins."
"Got it, boss."
Hawkins laid down on his bunk once Curran left. Being with his CO was just another rush for him, the fear of being discovered made it that much better. And he liked pushing Curran, seeing how far he could go. As for this high he got after missions, it was no big deal. Curran was worried about nothing.
Hawkins stood at his car staring at Curran and Jo. He was doing his best to comfort her. There eyes met briefly but Curran looked away. They hadn't spoken to each other since they'd gotten back...the night Graham was killed. Hawkins knew Curran blamed him and maybe he was right. Why had he disobeyed a direct order?
Hawkins got in his car but looked back at his lover. Was Curran that anymore? Did it matter to him? Hawkins wasn't sure what he thought anymore. Everything had been so clear until that night. In a split second, everything he thought he knew, changed.
Curran stood at the bar watching as Hawkins dealt with the jerk and had even cracked a smile for a minute. But then the memories came flooding back and Hawkins toasting Graham was the last straw. He couldn't deal with this. Putting down his beer, he turned and walked out.
Everything was so damned messed up. His best friend was dead and it was due in part to the man he'd been sleeping with for the past four months. Why didn't Hawkins listen to him? Why did the kid have to be so damned stubborn? If he had just stayed in the doorway, Graham would still be alive.
"Curran!"
Curran ignored the voice and kept walking. He couldn't deal with him now. But the stubborn ass grabbed his arm and forced him to stop. Curran turned to glare at the younger man. This was the first time they'd spoken since that night. Even looking at him hurt. Memories of making love to him were mixed in with seeing his friend lying dead. His features tightened and he tried to block all the memories.
"You're too good to join in my toast, Curran?"
The booze and the sense of grief and loss made it easy for him to lash out at the younger man. "You toasted a man you put in the grave, Hawkins! If you would've just stayed where I told you, none of this would've happened!"
"I screwed up! Alright, I admit it, I screwed up and he's dead! I can't change that, Curran."
"No, you can't change it. I warned you, Hawkins. But you didn't listen to me. You had to go for the rush, didn't you? I hope it was worth it."
Curran turned and walked away. "Damnit, Curran!"
Hawkins dropped to the ground and sat staring at the parking lot. What the hell was he going to do now?
Hawkins sat in his apartment staring at the walls. He had been reprimanded for disobeying a direct order but other then that there had been no recriminations from Graham's death. His death had been attributed to a training accident and the team was on leave for a few weeks. The others didn't talk to him about it but didn't seem to treat him any differently. But then there was Curran.
He hadn't seen the man since that night in the parking lot. At first, Hawkins just figured it was one of those things that had been fun while it lasted. He knew Curran was pissed and would probably never forgive him for contributing to Graham's death. So their affair would stop, so what, right? There were plenty of fish in the sea or in the Navy. He wouldn't have any trouble finding someone new to catch his attention. But as the weeks went by, he wasn't able to convince himself of that anymore.
He couldn't get Curran out of his head. Hell, he'd even found himself reaching out for the man in his sleep. His mind replayed their time together. Why couldn't he just forget the man? Why couldn't he walk away like he had so many times before? He didn't have the answers. All he knew was that he couldn't let go. Someway he had to find a way to get them past this.
It was a small step but he would take it. Curran letting him join the mission may not have been a declaration but it was a step in the right direction. The older man was giving him a chance to prove himself and Hawkins was determined not to screw up again. This may be the only shot he had of getting back what he and Curran had and getting Curran back into his bed and into his life.
"Dane's dead."
The words caught in Hawkins' throat as he stood watching his lover. Another friend lost and Hawkins could see the pain in Curran's eyes. The guilt at having failed to prevent this death. Curran grabbed Dane's gun then headed past him. He wanted nothing more then to take the man into his arms but they still had a job to do. They had to make these bastards pay. Time for comfort would come once they were home.
Damnit, NO!! Hawkins swore viciously as he saw Curran go down. "Blow it, Hawkins."
No way in hell, boss. You aren't getting away from me this easily. Hawkins handed off the detonator then took off in the direction of his wounded lover. They had started this together and he'd be damned if they didn't finish it together.
Hawkins would never forget the look in Curran's eyes when he showed up. There was surprise that he had stuck his neck on the line, the pain, the guilt, but he saw the flash of love too. And that was what he was going to hold on to, the hope that it wasn't too late for them. Pulling Curran over his shoulder, Hawkins got clear of the building.
The building blew and they went down. Hawkins covered his lover to try to protect him from the falling debris. "Don't you die on me, Curran."
"What do you care?"
Hawkins heard the pain in his voice and knew it wasn't just from the physical pain. He brushed his lips against Curran's ear. "Because I love you, boss."
Curran's eyes widened but no more words were exchanged as Leary and the others arrived and thoughts had to switch to getting the hell out of there and making their rendevous. Hawkins made a silent promise to his lover that he wouldn't let him down again then they were on the run.
It was over. They'd destroyed the Stingers and the bad guys were toast. The sub had returned for them and Curran was getting the medical attention he needed. There would be time enough for them to deal with losing both Dane and Wrexler, but right now, Hawkins was too glad to be alive. And knowing that his lover would survive as well.
Hawkins stood next to the bed where a medicated Curran was out like a light. Making sure no one was around, Hawkins reached out to caress the older man's face then leaned in close to kiss his cheek. "I'm not letting you go, Curran. You're like no rush I've ever known, boss. And I'll do whatever I have to in order to make you see that."
He stood and pulled the covers up over his lover then left to find his own quarters. A shower and then sleep was definately what he needed. Hawkins knew he needed to be alert when the second round of debriefing began in the morning.
As he laid down in bed and tried to relax, Hawkins thought about the vacation they'd have after all the questions had been answered. Hopefully, he and Curran could make their peace and spend the time together. They had been apart too long. Closing his eyes, an image of his lover formed and Hawkins fell asleep with a smile on his face.
Hawkins woke up early and stretched leisurely. The last couple weeks had done wonders for him. Rolling to his side, he looked down on his sleeping lover. Once Curran had been released from the hospital, Hawkins had gone to him and they had talked for long hours. Everything hadn't magically been solved but they'd taken a step back towards each other.
They both had issues of guilt that they had to deal with plus dealing with the deaths of two more friends. It wasn't easy on any of them but they knew they had to handle it and get past it. Hawkins knew that his lover still blamed himself and that there was still some blame lying between them because of Graham's death. But Curran had agreed to take their vacation together.
Hawkins reached out and pushed the hair off Curran's forehead. And even though they were sleeping in the same bed, that was as far as it had gotten. Curran wasn't ready to take it any further. He was still healing, both emotionally and physically and Hawkins wasn't going to push him. This was more then he had hoped for.
"You okay?"
Hawkins smiled as he saw that Curran's eyes were open and watching him. "I'm fine. How about you? Any pain?"
Curran shook his head as he rolled onto his side to face Hawkins. "I'm good. You're awake pretty early."
"Just thinking."
"One day at a time, Hawkins."
Hawkins nodded. "I can handle slow, boss. Still scares me though."
"What does?"
"How close I came to losing you. Not just when you got shot but after I screwed up. I can't believe I actually thought it wouldn't matter."
Curran smiled. "Denial, Hawkins. You didn't want to face the feelings you were having. Easier to think it was just an affair."
"I'm a damn fool, boss."
Curran reached out to stroke Hawkins' shoulder. "You're not the only one. I lashed out at you in order to try to push away my own guilt. It just seemed so much easier to blame you."
"I blamed myself. If I had just stayed..."
"It wasn't intentional, Hawkins. You didn't know that a gunfight would breakout or that Graham would get caught in it. You made a mistake. I shouldn't have come down on you so hard."
Hawkins slid closer and pressed Curran onto his back then laid his head on his lover's muscled chest. "We both made mistakes, Curran. What we have to do now is figure out a way to get past them."
Curran's arms wrapped around the younger man. "We'll get there, Hawkins."
Hawkins sighed as he felt his lover's arms wrap around him.
Hawkins threw the rest of their gear into the back of the Jeep. Their vacation was over and they were to report back to active duty on Monday. At which time they would be introduced to their new team members. Hawkins wasn't too concerned about the men fitting in since Curran had gotten final okay on who was put on his team. One he had worked with before and the other was one who had impressed both their commander and Curran. Hawkins was reserving personal judgement till he actually met the men.
"That's everything."
Curran locked up the cabin then walked over to lean against the car. He pulled Hawkins into his arms and they stood in silence for several minutes. "Back to real life."
"And real stress, real guilt."
"Hawkins..."
"I know, boss. We worked through it, doesn't mean I can just forget."
Curran's arms tightened. "We'll never forget but we can't live in the past anymore, baby. This is a fresh start, remember?"
Hawkins nodded. Curran leaned in and kissed his lover before reluctantly pulling away. "We better get going. We have a long drive ahead of us."
A part of Hawkins wished they didn't have to go back. Out here they didn't have to pretend. Once they got back to the base, they'd have to hide behind charades again. Ramos and Leary knew the truth but no one else did. And the new guys wouldn't be told either. Trust had to be earned.
"I want to talk to Jo when we get back."
Curran looked at his lover, surprised. "Why?"
"I just... I need to tell her how sorry I am."
Curran laid a hand on his lover's thigh. "You can't tell her..."
"I know that. It's just, at the funeral, I didn't say anything to her. I just walked away. You spent time with her, so did the other guys, I never did. My guilt wouldn't let me. I need to do that now."
Curran smiled reassuringly. "I think she'd like that."
Hawkins smiled back.
Hawkins leaned against the wall as Curran got into it with their newest teammate. It hurt to see how much the kid reminded him of himself. The same cocky, know-it-all attitude, and the same addiction to an andrenaline rush. As he watched Curran walk away, Hawkins knew that nothing Curran could say would make a difference to this kid. Hell, it hadn't with him. Being partially responsible for someone's death had done what Curran's words couldn't. Hawkins didn't want to see this kid go through the same thing.
"He already read me the riot act, Hawkins."
"Then you already know how stupid that stunt of yours was. That's not why I'm here."
"Then what?"
Hawkins took a deep breath. "Looking at you is like seeing me a couple years ago. I thought I had the world by it's tail. And I was addicted to the rush of these missions. Curran tried to warn me but I wouldn't listen. Just like you're not listening."
The kid smirked. "Yeah, and you're still alive."
Hawkins' hands clenched. "Yeah, I am. I got lucky. A friend of mine didn't."
"What?"
"I was looking for the rush, kid. Disobeyed Curran's direct order. I got a teammate killed. My lust for the thrill, for that rush, put him in the middle of a goddamn gunfight. He died right in front of me."
The smirk disappeared. "I..."
"I made peace with that but it's not something you forget. Next time we're doing exercises, look around you. Take a look at Ramos, at Leary, at Curran, or myself. Think about Leary's wife, Ramos' family, our lives, our careers...then think about acting on that rush and seeing one of us cut down right in front of you. Picture coming back to the States and having to attend the funeral of the man you help put into the grave. Think about facing that man's family and friends knowing that you caused it. Then think about the rush. Is it worth someone's life?"
"I..."
"The night that man died is when I finally grew up. Out in the field, you're not just responsible for yourself. The lives of your teammates depend on you too. Don't fuck it up. The rush isn't worth losing everything. Believe me, I know."
Hawkins left the kid standing alone and walked away. He could only hope that what he said got through to him. Heading to his locker, he changed clothes. He needed to see Curran, to be in his arms and be reminded that he had been forgiven.
THE END