Fears Overcome by Dayna

I'm not sure what I'm doing back here. Why did I think that coming home would give me the answers I need? This place has never done a damn thing for me. I hated it when I was growing up and couldn't wait to leave. So why did I come back? Because I needed to get away from Curran and my feelings for him. More like running away but I don't know what else to do.

It was all so easy before. Before Graham died. Before Zane and Wrexler were killed. Before I saw Curran shot down in front of me. Before all that I could ignore the possibilities. I didn't have to think about the fact that he could die at any time. I didn't have to consider the fact that I may be there and have to watch him die. Unrealistic I know, but I never really considered that possibility when we started sleeping together. I guess I just assumed we were invincible. I know better now.

So what do I do? Walk away and go back to the way things were before? Is what we're sharing enough overlook the fact that death seems to be hovering over us? Would his death hurt any less if I walked away now?

"I thought that was you. It's been a long time, Hawkins."

I turn and smile at the young woman. "Syn, you're a sight for sore eyes. I didn't know you were still around these parts."

I stand to hug her then we sit back down and she orders a drink. "I'm not, just home for a visit. What about you? Still with the Navy?"

"Yeah. Had a few days vacation so I thought I'd come see what was going on here."

She nods knowingly. Of anyone from my past, Syn is probably the one who knows me best. "So, what's the crisis? Career or personal?"

"Maybe I just wanted to visit my family."

She rolls her eyes. "I know better then that. You're about as close to your family as I am to mine. Now cut the crap, sailor boy. What's wrong?"

I look down at my drink. I know I can't hide anything from her. And maybe this is what I was hoping for when I came here. "Career is going alright. It's taken some hits in the last few months which is making me question some personal choices."

"Like what?"

"Whether I should stick with my lover or not. I'm questioning whether it's right for either of us when everytime we go out on assignment, our lives are in danger. I don't want to be standing in some Godforsaken hellhole and watch him shot down and be helpless to save him."

She shows no surprise at the fact that my lover is male. Hell, I think she knew before I did. She was the only one I could talk to about it because I knew I could never tell my parents. "I take it he's a SEAL too."

I nod. "He's my CO."

Syn whistles softly. "James Curran."

"How do you know that?"

She smiles at me. "You're not the only one in the military around here, junior."

"But you're Air Force, brat. How do you know Curran?"

"I don't know him, but I know of him. He's quite the catch, you should count yourself lucky."

I lean back and I know she's right. But it doesn't erase the doubts. "Is it worth it, Syn?"

She looks at me and for the first time I see a sad smile on her face. "If you love him it is."

"He could die, Syn."

She shrugs. "We all could, Hawkins. You could find a nice civilian and he could be killed in a car crash. Look, you can't stop living because you're afraid of dying. If Curran died tomorrow, would you regret the time you've spent together?"

"No."

"Then, it's worth it. When it's his time, he'll die whether you're together or not. Wouldn't it be better to know that you spent time with him, loving him, for as long as you had than wondering what you missed out on?"

Damn, I hate when she makes sense. "How'd you get to be so smart?"

"Personal experience. I loved him but I walked away because I was afraid."

"What happened?"

She takes a deep breath and I see her hands shaking. I reach out to grip them. "He died. His jet was shot down."

"God, I'm sorry, Syn."

I can see the tears in her eyes as she squeezes my hands. "We could've had so much more time together, Hawkins, but I let fear control me. Now I have to live with those regrets."

I encourage her to talk about her loss and in listening to her, it helps me overcome my own fears. I don't want to be the one sitting here wondering what if. Maybe, for once, coming home had given me my answers.

I feel his hand caressing through my hair. "You're supposed to be sleeping."

"Just reassuring myself."

I raise up on my elbow to look at him. "Reassure about what?"

He leans in and kisses me. "That you came back to me. I wasn't sure you would."

I kiss him back and lay down with my head pillowed on his chest. "No place I'd rather be, boss. I'm here for as long as we've got."

"Me too, Hawkins."

His arms wrap around me and I feel good about my decision. I'll take whatever time I have with this man and be thankful for it. Thank you, Syn. I hope you find your happiness soon.

I settle into my lover's embrace and drift to sleep... and dream about living.

THE END