Unnecessary Words by Dayna

I struggle against sleep, and reach out. My hand hitting empty space wakes me quickly, and I push myself up on elbows as I look around the room. I'm alone. I get out of bed and pull on a pair of sweats as I walk out of the bedroom. As I thought, I see Curran standing outside, staring into space. I lean against the doorway, just watching him.

He'd been home from the hospital for several days, and we finally got the chance to sit down and talk. But once we were alone together, the words became unnecessary. Without saying a word, we both knew what we wanted. And we were both aware of the risks. If the truth about our relationship was discovered, both of our careers would be in jeopardy. It was a risk we were both willing to take. We had denied ourselves what we really wanted long enough.

Making love to him, that feeling of loving him and having him love me was something very new to me. I can honestly say I've never felt that way with anyone else. And lying in his arms, I was content. I wouldn't dwell on how close I came to losing him, how close to never knowing the joy of being a part of his life. A shudder runs through me. We both know how vulnerable we are, and we realize that there's always a chance one of us won't come back from our next assignment. But we're powerless to stop our emotions. If one of us dies tomorrow, we're going to at least have the memories of a love neither of us ever imagined. We can't dwell on anything else.

What purpose would it serve? I've already admitted to him and to myself that I love him. Would his death really be easier to handle if I walked away now? Not a chance in hell. I'd be left with a lot of what ifs and I would miss out on the here and now. I'll be damned if I do that to either of us. I won't give up a minute with him just because I'm afraid there won't be another one. And I won't let him do it either.

I walk out behind him, my hands going to his shoulders, massaging the tense muscles. "Hey, boss."

"Hey, thought you were sleeping."

"I was, but damned if the bed didn't get cold. How long have you been out here?"

Curran shrugged. "Not too long. Why don't you go back to bed?"

I almost do, but something in his voice catches my attention. And I can't shake the feeling that if I walk away now, I'm going to lose him. "Not unless you come with me."

He leans forward and I let my hands rest on the back of the chair. There's something running through that brain of his. "Curran? What's going on?"

He was quiet for so long that I didn't think he was going to reply. But finally he stood up, with his back to me. "You shouldn't be here, Hawkins."

"Excuse me? What are you saying?"

"It's not right for you."

I move over to his side, but he refuses to look at me. "Don't you think I'm old enough to decide what's right for me? Damnit, Curran. I just got done baring my soul to you, and that's not something I do very often. I love you, you idiot!"

"I don't deserve it. I screwed up, Hawkins. I failed."

Moving to stand in front of him, I can see the tears in his eyes. What the hell? "What are you talking about?"

"They're dead, Hawkins. I screwed up and three men... three friends are dead because of me. I don't want you to be next."

"Oh Christ, Curran. No one blames you for that. We were in the middle of a goddamn warzone. And we all knew the risks going in. What about the three men you got out alive?"

He shakes his head, avoiding my eyes. "I didn't do shit. You should've left me there, Hawkins."

"Like hell!" I grip his face, kissing him fiercely. I have to get through to him.

Pulling back, I force him to look at me. "Don't you do this to me now, Curran. I didn't sit back and watch you sacrifice yourself then and I'm not going to do it now! I'm not going anywhere."

"You don't understand. It was my job to get them out alive."

"Not when the odds were stacked against you. Whether you want to see it or not, you did get us out of there. You aren't God. There's only so much you can do, and damnit, you did everything in your power to bring us home safe. God knows, you've saved my bacon more than once."

The tears fall down his cheek and I pull him against me tightly. I curse myself for not having seen what he was going through. I was so busy dealing with the physical pain he was in, and worrying about our changing relationship, I never considered his emotional state.

"We know the risks, Curran. And I can't tell you that one of us might not make it back next time, but that isn't something you have complete control over. We go in and do the job to the best of our abilities and pray that everything will work out. Sometimes they do, other times they don't."

His arms tighten around me as he cries, and I'm faced with seeing a side to this man that I never knew existed. I wonder if I'll ever know him completely. After long moments of just standing in silence, he pulls back slightly.

"Thank you, Hawkins."

"No problem, boss. That's what I'm here for. Now, how about we get back to that nice warm bed?"

I watch as he rubs away the traces of tears. "Thought you said it was cold in there."

"That was because I was lacking some body heat."

Curran smiles slightly and nods as we head back in to the bedroom. We crawl back into bed, and I pull him into my arms. I want him to know that he's not alone anymore. No matter what's bothering him, I'm there for him. Just like I know without a doubt, that he'll be there when I need him. That's what love is all about.

THE END