I stand staring out the window and I have to wonder again what the hell I'm doing. If it ever gets out there are consequences that we'd both have to face. He'd probably get reassigned to some desk assignment somewhere far away from me. What would happen to me? At best I'd just lose my team, at worse I'm probably looking at a court martial. Not because I'm involved in a homosexual relationship, but because of the fact that I'm my lover's commanding officer. They could have a field day with that. Make it into something dirty and wrong. Nor would the military let us forget it's stand on gays. There would be some who would support us, but the majority wouldn't.
So what the hell am I thinking getting involved in something so dangerous? I've kept this part of my life discreet and hidden for most of my life. Why am I flirting with exposure now? I know better than to get involved with someone else in the military. I learned my lesson a long time ago. But I've thrown that all out the window to be with not only another SEAL, but a man who's under my command.
I lean my forehead against the window as that statement hits me. God, that sounded bad. I'm his CO, have I somehow made him think he has to stay in this relationship? Am I using my rank to hold on to him? What the hell am I thinking? But I know the answer to that. Nothing. I haven't thought about anything but being with him since that first night. I've closed my eyes to what might or could happen and have just enjoyed being with him. We've both made sure our relationship hasn't affected our jobs and I think we've done a damn good job of that so far.
But what happens if one of us slips? Could I keep my control if I saw him go down? Would I be able to sacrifice him if it was the only way to save the team? I can't answer those questions. I don't want to answer them. Damn, my head feels like it's about ready to explode.
I jump slightly as I feel his arms wrap around me. He presses against my back and I can't hide the moan as he pulls me into his embrace.
"What are you doing up?"
And in that one word he must hear something because I can feel him tense but he doesn't move away. Quite the opposite in fact, his hold on me tightens. "Hawkins, I..."
"Stop right there, Curran. I know what you're doing so stop it."
"What is it you think I'm doing?"
His arms loosen and I feel his hands slide across my chest as he whispers in my ear. "You're overanalyzing our relationship. Playing the what if game and worrying about it. Look, we're both adults here and we know what we're doing. We know the risks and we're willing to take them in order to be together. We're careful, Curran. No one is going to find out about us."
"They could, Hawkins. If they do..."
"If that happens we'll deal with it then. I think it's worth the risk. We're worth the risk."
I lean back against him. God, I want to believe that. "Do you?"
Forcing myself to turn, I look into his eyes. "I don't want you to feel obligated to stay here, Hawkins. I won't force you to..."
"Shut up, Curran. Jesus, you aren't forcing me or coercing me into anything. I'm the one who made the first move, remember?"
"I remember. But I'm still your commanding officer..."
Hawkins smirks as he pulls me back into his arms. "And when Curran gives an order during a mission, I'll follow it."
I can't help raise an eyebrow at that and he shrugs. "Okay, most of the time I follow it. But off the clock, you're just James, my lover. We're equals in this relationship. If I didn't want to be here, I wouldn't be. Boss or not, got it?"
I look into his eyes and I see the truth in them. This is still dangerous as hell, but he's right. We both know what we're risking. I won't worry about what may or may not happen, not when I'm holding my chance at happiness in my arms. My arms wrap around him and I smile. "I got it."
"Good. I'm glad you see things my way. Now, how about we go back to bed?"
"Sounds like a plan."
I lean forward and kiss him. His hand cups my cheek as he looks into my eyes. "We okay?"
And for the first time I can answer that honestly. "We're better than okay."
As he leads me back into the bedroom, I push those questions to the back of my mind. Nothing will come from worrying about things that may never happen. It's time I started living in the moment. And as I crawl into bed, I decide this is going to be some damn enjoyable moments.
I push the last of my doubts to the back of my mind as Hawkins covers me and kisses me passionately. My arms wrap around him and I don't think about anything other then the man in my arms.