The Match by Jess

Hicks and Reese stand in a ring surrounded by thousands of people. Hicks, wearing his red, white, and blue boxer shorts while Reese is wearing ones that look like someone's peed on them - similar to the pants he wore when protecting Sarah. They are with their coaches who are giving them advice. Hicks has The Alien for a coach while Reese has the Terminator.

Reese: Any advice, coach?

Terminator: Terminate him... permanently.

Reese: I thought that was against the rules.

Terminator: (stares blankly at him) Terminate him... permanently.

(He turns away from Reese.)

Reese: Where the heck are you going?

Terminator: To the restroom... I'll be back.

Meanwhile...

Hicks: (observing Reese from across) Man, this guy looks good. Good-looking, too. Any advice?

Queen Alien: Grrrrrr... rraahhhh!!!

Hicks: So, you want me to hit him in his guts? That right?

Queen Alien: Grrrrrr... rraahhhh!!

Hicks: And in his butt, too?!

Queen Alien: Grrrrrr... rraahhhh!!

Hicks: Wow! Good coaching!

Before they go into battle, both men go to their female companions for support. Reese goes over to Sarah Connor who wears a shirt that says Reese Rules! Beside her, little John Conner.

Sarah: (looking at Hicks and muttering to herself) What a fine looking man... (Sees Reese) Oh! Hey, Reese! Um, er, I said what a HORRIBLE looking man. That's what I said. Honest!

Reese: I just wanted to tell you that I came across time for you, Sarah. I love you. I--

John Conner: (interrupting him) Dad, just kick his @$$.

Hicks is jealous that Reese's woman has a shirt with his name on it. He buys a shirt of his own that says, Hicks Really Kicks! He goes over to Ripley, beside her, little Newt, and gives it to her.

Hicks: Here, I want you to put this on.

Ripley: What's it for?

Hicks: It's a shirt. Then I can find you anywhere in the complex. It's just a precaution.

Ripley: Thanks.

Hicks: It doesn't mean we're engaged or anything.

Hicks and Reese sees the announcer coming across the wrestling platform.

Announcer: Ladiieeesss and Gentlemmeeeennn!!! Let's get ready to RUMMMBBBLLE!!!!

Hicks: It's game time.

Ripley: Hicks, I'm not going to end up like those other women involved with wrestlers. You'll take care of it, won't you?

Hicks: If it comes to that, I'll do us both. Listen, let's just make sure it doesn't come to that, alright?

Ripley: See you, Hicks.

Hicks: Dwayne. It's Dwayne.

Ripley: Ellen.

Hicks: Don't be gone long, Ellen.

Ripley: I'm only getting Newt a soft drink. I can handle myself.

Hicks: Yeah, I noticed.

Hicks and Reese glare at each other coldly, similar to the scene in Rocky 7 with the Russian dude.

Reese: You can't stop me. I don't feel pity, remorse, fear and I absolutely will not stop! Ever! Until you are dead! No offense.

Hicks: None taken.

Hicks and Reese jump at each other. Reese manages to untangle himself and grabs Hicks's body, tossing it to the audience. He goes over the ring to finish the job but Hicks grabs a chair and smacks it in his face. He does a body slam.

Sarah: REEEESSSE!!!

John Connor: (eating his popcorn) COOL!

Sarah runs to her man. He's down and out. She turns viciously to Hicks.

Sarah: You're terminated ******!

She grabs him by the hair and hits his face across a nearby table. She kicks him in the crotch. Hicks screams in agony. Sarah's about to finish him with a roundhouse punch until...

Ripley: Get away from him, you ****!

She has a powerloader on! She raises its metal claws and charges right up to Sarah, hitting her with them. She's thrown across the stadium.

Ripley: Come on! Come on!

Meanwhile, little John and Newt look at the show with awe. They're slurping their drinks.

John Conner: The show's great, ain't it!

Newt: Aye-firmative.

John Connor: No, no, no, no, no... You've gotta listen to the way people talk. You don't say affirmative or some **** like that. You say, No problemo. And if someone comes off with an attitude, you say eat me. And if you want to shine them on, it's Hasta La Vista, baby.

Newt: Hasta La Vista, baby.

John Connor: Yeah. Or later, ****wad. And if someone gets upset, you say chill out. You can also do combinations.

Newt: Eat me.

John Connor: See! You're getting it!

Newt: No problemo.

Reese and Hicks continue to have it out. The girls in the audience go crazy when they see them tearing at each other like animals. They try to grab them. Ripley stops kicking Sarah's butt. The two see what's going on. The girls are going after their men!

The Terminator finally comes out from the restroom.

Terminator: Man, I shouldn't have eaten that burrito earlier today.

Suddenly, he sees Reese being grabbed by the female audience. One girl is holding up his boxers.

Sasha: I've got his boxers! I've got them!

Emily: Wow! Look at that cute butt!

Amanda: Try to get Hicks's!

Jess: Yeah! Yeah! Get Hicks's!

The Terminator grabs his shotgun from his gym bag where a grenade launcher, Uzi 9 mm, 7-inch blade, and a picture of Reese with a heart drawn in top of him is at.

Terminator: I must get Reese's boxer shorts back.

Meanwhile, Hicks decides to bail out since he's feeling someone tugging at his boxers. Some crazy girl named Jess accompanied by her pal, Emily. He calls out to the Queen for help, but she's too busy impregnating people. The two take off, however, the moment they see a ticked off Ripley and Sarah heading towards them. Sarah is put out of commission by an insane Sasha who is determined to keep Reese's boxers. No one's able to stop Ripley, though, as she rips through the crowd with her Power Loader, giving Hicks his chance to escape. He's about to bolt until...

Reese: Hicks! Save me!

Hicks looks back at him. A slow curve forms in his lips. He's grinning. He glances at the crowd and then back to Reese.

Hicks: Looks like love at first sight to me... Lots of luck... SUCKER! (laughing hysterically) I win!!! I'M the baddest future soldier there is! I am the ultimate bad@$$ there is! Hoo-hoo-ha-ha-ha!

Hicks sees Ripley straight ahead. He's about to run to her until a net is thrown over him. He falls to the ground. He looks up and sees Jess.

Jess: Oh, yeah! I caught me a big one today!

Screeching violins are heard nearby.

Meanwhile, the Terminator goes to a biker to get Reese some clothes before he terminates the subject: Sasha.

Terminator: I need your clothes. Your boots. And your motorcycle.

Biker: Um, I'm a girl.

Terminator: Oh.

Reese is about to pass out. He sees Emily, Amanda, and Sasha pulling him away from the crowd and into their pick-up truck where Chris Larabee, Hiram Coffey, Johnny Ringo, and James Curran lay unconscious. Suddenly, the Terminator intervenes. He throws the three girls off of Reese then looks down at him. He tosses him the dress he took from the biker girl. He then extends his hand to him.

Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.

Reese agrees. He hesitates for a second before leaving the stadium. He's leaving John and Sarah behind. Then, he shrugs it off and decides to take off. They can take care of themselves, right?

Together they ride in his bike to a deserted restaurant. Miles away from anyone and anything. Reese sips his coffee, vowing revenge on Hicks and a rematch. This time, he'll bring his plasma rifle with him. Suddenly, the Terminator wants to say something.

Terminator: I have something to tell you.

Reese: Yeah? What?

Terminator: You look pretty in that dress.

Reese pretends he didn't hear that. He continues to drink his coffee. But the Terminator's not through yet.

Terminator: There's something else... I came across time for you, Reese. I love you. I always have.

Reese starts to choke and gag.