THE MOST HIDEOUS, HORRIFIC, UNSIGHTLY...... by JPC

Corporal Dwayne Hicks; high ranking member of the elite squad of Bug Hunters, sharp witted man of mystery and able bodied lover strutted down the main corridor of the med lab – his tussled, golden hair blowing lightly in the soft breeze emitted from an air vent, his brooding green eyes uniformly scanning the area for signs of danger. He passed Private Vasquez, throwing her a flirtatious look as he brushed past her gently.
“I-am-so-hot!” he thought euphorically to himself. He had always known he was hot, ever since birth, but now that he had proved how magnificently, fantastically, superbly, gloriously…oh he was trailing off again. He chuckled. Yes – now that he had proved JUST how hot he was, the ladies would be begging for it!

Then he saw Ripley – Ellen Ripley. A wide, charismatic smile spread across his tanned face as he approached her. He had plans for this one. He took her in his broad, masculine arms and threw her onto the table – ripping open his shirt dramatically, he leant down, their lips were mere millimetres from touching when a very loud, very high pitched squeal rang out through the compound – something along the lines of:

“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKK!!!”

Newt needed help! Hicks jumped up of his expectant lover.
“Wait here!” he instructed Ripley – this was mans work – and Hicks was a man! What a man!
He grabbed his pulse rifle from the floor beside their love-table and tore off down the hall. Calling out to his soon-to-be-adopted-comma (,)-because-she-was-just-too-cute-for-words-and-fitted-nicely-into-the-equation-comma (,)-daughter as he ran:

“Neeeeewt – Neeeeewt my sweet, it’s ok – hunky Hicks is on the way!”

It occurred to him that it had rhymed – after all Hicks wasn’t just a pretty face! He could rhyme ok and way, not everybody could do that you see – it was a gift. He ran into the control room – the source of the squeal.

“Newt? Are you here?” he asked quietly. Then he heard the scream again, he turned around a corner into a section of the room that was almost completely bathed in darkness.
“Newt? Are you here?” he repeated in a corse whisper – he was starting to get the willies himself here. He heard the sound of sobbing coming from the rafters. “Newt – honey – how did you get all the way up there? What’s wrong? Did the bugs come back?”

“It’s – it’s not Newt – it’s me” said a high pitched girly voice. Hicks was a little confused to who exactly ‘me’ was. He shone his torch up at the ceiling, but couldn’t fix it on any source for the voice.
“Um… who?” he asked politely in a very ditzy voice (“yeah – but secreted by what?”)
“It’s me – man”, Hicks shone the torch up, this time hitting someone.
“It’s Hudson” he whimpered, sniffing back tears.
“Wassamatta boy?” pressed Hicks, as though Hudson was his pet dog.
“I – I saw a – a – a bug! A big, huge bug!” he pointed to the window looking out over the colony.
Hicks puffed his chest out importantly and flexed his muscular arms, behind and ears.
“PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER MAN – WE’RE ALL IN STRUNG OUT SHAPE HERE BUT WE HAVE TO STAY FROSTY!” he yelled up at the ceiling.

Burke happened to be passing at this precise moment, he noted that Hicks was loosing it – reminding the roof it’s gotta stay frosty? He continued on his path silently and slipped into the now deserted med lab. Was it just him or did this place turn everyone on?
Gorman was leaning up against the far wall and as he saw Burke enter, a strange expression spread across his face as he saw the man slide inside – what was he doing? He spoke – “How’s it going hot stuff?”
Burke winked at the now completely naked lieutenant and closed the door – tight.

BACK TO HICKS AND HUDSON!

“Never fear – I’ll blow it’s Xeno-brains all over the goddam floor!” yelled Hicks, testosterone coursing through his veins. He ran up to the window, rifle in hand. “N-no, H-H-Hicks, that’s not what I meant” stammered Hudson quietly. He pointed to a spot on the window. Hicks re-directed the light of his torch to the place where Hudson had pointed – sitting menacingly on the window was the most hideous, terrifying, poo-educing creature Hicks had ever seen. It’s many menacing arms flailing about, its jaws snapping shut repeatedly.

It was the biggest goddam cockroach he had ever seen!

He too felt his mouth open, an extremely manly cry came roaring out.

(In other words - he squealed like a little piggy.)

His legs went weak and his mouth dry. He mustered the last of his strength to preform evasive manoeuvres.

“KILL IT – KILL IT – KILL IT” he squealed out down the corridor, from his lofty position next to Hudson.

“RIPLEY!” they both called.