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Michael Biehn Archive


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Martin sighed. Another day at the office. Another day of listening to Danny trying in vain to get Sam to notice him. He was so predictable. Right now he was complimenting her blouse and how it brought out the blue in her eyes. Sam just sniggered, patted him patronizingly on the shoulder and swayed off, with her head in the air. He felt sorry for Danny. He knew what it was to suffer the pangs of unrequited love. But at least Danny had some chance that Sam might one day take him seriously. He on the other hand could only dream that the object of his affections would some day notice him.

"Hey Martin, are you colour blind?" Danny asked from his slouch over his desk.

"No, why?" Martin asked feeling he was under scrutiny.

"Well it’s just that brown is really not your colour. And that tie is vile. Did you inherit that suit off a corpse?" Danny quipped looking decidedly pleased with his wit.

"Ha, ha!" Martin retaliated. "Did'nt get Sam’s attention, so now you’re taking your testosterone overload out on me."

"Tell me what university did you get your degree in psychology from Fitzy? Oh I remember, it was those little certificates you got when you sent off two tokens to Kellog's" Danny laughed.

"Laugh it up, partner. But if you really want to know how to get Sam to go out with you, I know all the answers." Martin pointed his pen at him like a sword.

"And how, pray tell, would you know anything about women, Harvard! I've never once seen you with one." Danny snapped angrily.

"Well, I don't go round boasting about my conquests not like some people!" Martin contested.

"The day I need your advice on how to seduce a woman, Fitzy, is the day hell freezes over!" Danny replied gruffly.

"Danny, Martin….in here now!" Jack bellowed from his office door. Martin flushed and his hands shook. Danny wished Martin wasn’t so intimidated by Jack. He thought Martin would have gotten used to Jack's manner by now. Poor guy seemed just as nervous around Jack, as the day he started. Maybe he should have a word with him. Let him know Jack really was all bark and no bite.

"Fancy going for a drink after work, Martin?" Danny asked as they walked towards Jack's office.

"I thought you didn't drink?" Martin looked surprised and confused.

"I don't. But that doesn't mean I can't buy you one," Danny replied.

"So is this your way of getting me to give you the inside track on how to court Sam?" Martin smiled.

"No, I thought we'd bond and pick out drapes together," Danny snapped.

"Oh Danny, I'm touched!" Martin clutched his chest dramatically.

"That's one word for you, I can think of several others!" Danny sniped.




"You hungry?" Danny asked as they settled into a booth at McIntyre's after work.

"A bit," Martin answered. Danny's eyebrow shot up.

"A bit! Martin you eat like a bird. What are you afraid of? Love handles?" Danny laughed at Martin's blush.

"Well, some people are more prone to putting on weight. You know, genetically." Martin blushed even more. "Anyway, it doesn't help your chances if you looking to be noticed." Martin added quietly.

"Ah," Danny said as though he knew what Martin meant, though he really didn't.

"So you want to know what Sam thinks of you?" Martin quickly changed the subject before Danny asked him to explain.

"How would you know what Sam thinks about me? You've only been in the office six months!" Danny snapped simmering with jealousy.

"Calm down," Martin held his hands up. "She talks to me. I just thought you might want an insight into what she wants in a potential boyfriend."

"Why would she talk to you? I've known her a hell of a lot longer," Danny groused.

"Maybe because she doesn't see me as a threat. She knows I'm not interested in her that way," Martin answered honestly.

"How can you not be interested in her? She's gorgeous. A goddess," Danny said disbelieving.

"Danny she's not my type. If you really like her, I'll help you get her," Martin promised.

"Why would you do that? What's in this for you?" Danny asked suspiciously.

"Nothing. It would be nice to see someone happy. It would be nice to see someone getting who they want," Martin said sadly.

"Who do you want, Martin?"

Martin looked so lonely all of a sudden.

"Who I want doesn't matter. That person doesn't see me and never will," Martin said, resigned to his fate.

"That's a pretty defeatist attitude, Martin. Are you not going to even try?" Danny always imagined Martin being able to get what he wanted.

"It's complicated," Martin sighed. He didn't know how much he could tell Danny. Danny would only laugh at him and make his life hell if he knew. "This person is married."

"Oh God, you don't have a thing for Vivienne, do you? The older woman thing?" Danny said shocked.

Martin ducked his head and giggled. Trust Danny to make him laugh when his heart felt like it was being held together with very weak glue. "No, no. It's not Vivienne. It's not someone at the office," Martin lied.

"But it must be. You're so boring .You don’t go out. Where else are you going to meet someone?" Danny said in his usual direct manner.

"Thank you for that wonderful analysis, Danny. With friends like you, who needs enemies!" Martin snapped.

"Oh, oh…" Danny began to laugh. "I just had the funniest thought. It's not Jack, is it?" He laughed louder but then stopped when he noticed the hurt look flit across Martin's face. Martin turned his head to try and school his face and deny it but it was too late. Danny knew.

"Shit, Martin. I'm sorry. I mean… I didn't know you were..." Danny shut his mouth. He seemed to be digging himself into a very big hole. Martin looked anxious and afraid.

"Maybe this wasn't such a good idea," Martin said reaching for his jacket.

"No Martin. Wait. Look, I'm just trying to take this in. I mean..." Danny didn't know what he meant. "Just don't run off. We'll get something to eat and we'll talk. You know. Like friends," Danny gulped. He realized he was clutching Martin's wrist and was desperate not to let him go. "Sorry, look…" Danny said, letting go of Martin's wrist. "I mean, we're sort in the same boat, eh? We could sort of be there for each other, right?" Danny wondered how uncool that must sound to Martin but Martin put his jacket down and gulped in a nervous fashion.

"You wouldn't tell anyone? You're not going to use it to make fun of me later?" Martin asked in a paranoid fit. Danny shook his head.

"No more than you would tell anyone I have the hots for Sam." Danny knew Martin was not a gossip.

"I hate to break it to you, Danny, but the whole office knows you have it bad for Sam!" Martin laughed.

In the uneasy silence that descended between them, they ordered their food and drinks. Martin was particularly uncomfortable. He'd never been around a silent Danny and it made him jumpy.

"I’ve been thinking…" Danny said looking intently at his burger. "You want to help me with Sam. Well, maybe I could help you with Jack."

Martin almost choked on a mouthful of salad. Gulping down a mouthful of beer he wiped his chin with a napkin and stifled a laugh. "Well in case you haven't noticed, Sherlock. Jack is straight, married and a father. It isn't going to happen. I've resigned myself to how impossible it is."

"Well..." Danny had to be careful how he phrased this. "The marriage is a leaky boat that's sinking fast. Jack only sticks it out because of his girls. And..." Danny gulped, but flew ahead. "Jack isn’t 100% straight." He watched out of the corner of his eye as Martin slowly put his fork down and leaned back.

"And you would know this how?" Martin hissed acidly.

"Calm down!" Danny begged. He was about to lie to Martin, but he really didn’t know what else to do. How he knew was between him and Jack. "Like you said. Sam talks to you. Well, I've worked with Jack a long time. You learn things about people. Let's just say he wouldn't find the idea of a guy wanting his body such a bad thing." He watched Martin swallow and saw that sad look again.

"I don't just want his body! I want a real relationship. I don't want a one-time deal. I'’m in love with him." Martin cut himself off from a full-blown whimper.

"I don't want a one time deal with Sam either. I dream about what our kids will look like and what we'll call them. How sad is that?" Danny asked rubbing Martin's forearm in sympathy. He wanted to get Martin comfortable and eating. "So how about you tell me about what Sam thinks about me and I'll tell you about how to get Jack Malone to see what he's missing."

Martin tilted his head at him and smiled in that boyish way that made Danny want to hug him.

"Well, for a start she thinks you're a homophobic asshole!" Martin sniggered. Danny sat back stung.

"Why in God’s name would she think that?" Danny snapped, genuinely shocked.

"The ballet dancer. Apparently you were rude to his boyfriend," Martin shrugged.

"The guy didn't seem to give a damn that his boyfriend had been missing for four days. I said, 'God knows what he saw in you. No wonder he left!' Unprofessional I know, but God he was such a selfish prat," Danny defended himself. Danny's face suddenly changed from anger to amusement. He laughed to himself.

"Care to share, Danny?"

"I just had a brain storm. I've just worked out how to get Sam to see me in a different light and get Jack to notice you."

"And what has that brain of yours come up with? I get a sex change and you take a vow of silence?"

"No, it's so simple. It's staring us right in the face. Don't you see, Martin?" Danny was leaning back giggling and looking inordinately pleased with himself.

"What? Enlighten me, oh mighty master! What are you on about?"

"Don't you see, Martin? Jack doesn't notice you because you don't stand out as a guy looking for Mr. Right. Sam doesn't notice me because she doesn't think I'm looking for anything more than getting my leg over. Right?" Danny was having a hard time trying to stop himself from nervous laughter. The plan he was forming in his head was so perfect. He only had to get Martin to go along with it and then they'd both get who they wanted.

"Sam thinks you've never had a relationship that lasted more than a one night stand. She doesn't think you're capable of commitment now or at any time in the future. She says you don't care about anyone but Danny Taylor." Martin hated to be so blunt but it seemed to shock Danny into silence again.

"Well, maybe I need to show her how committed I can be. I'm capable of caring. I could show her how open minded I am too." Danny nodded to himself.

"And how do you propose to do that, Agent Taylor?" Martin smirked.

"With your help. My brilliant plan needs your co-operation. It's mutually beneficial. It will get Jack's attention to you and Sam's attention to me and it's so easy."

"What, pray tell, is this brilliant plan of yours. Does it involve us tying Sam and Jack up and kidnapping them?"

"No silly. Think about it. If another guy at the office was to start paying you attention. Maybe even ask you out. That would get Jack's attention right?"

"Okay, maybe," Martin said slowly he really didn't know where Danny was going with this.

"And that person who was paying you the attention would get noticed too. Right?"

"Uh!" Martin could feel a headache coming on. Danny often had that affect on him.

"That person would have to be reviewed in the opinions of people who might have previously misjudged him." Martin was just staring at him looking cute and lost. He barged on. It was now or never. His kids would never be born if Martin didn't go along with this. "So you see, don't you?" Martin was shaking his head totally confused.

"A little back scratching? Do you get it now?"

"Your back is itchy?" Martin asked looking at Danny's shoulder blades.

"God, sometimes I wonder how you ever got through high school. You're not really good at thinking imaginatively are you, pet?" Danny bit his cheek to stop himself from laughing as he stroked the back of Martin's hand. Martin just stared at what his fingers were doing and looked terrified.

"Earth to MARTIN!" Danny snapped his fingers in front of Martin's eyes. Martin's head snapped up but he didn't seem to get it even yet.

"Okay, let me explain this in big letters for the intellectually challenged among us! Martin?"

"What?"

"Tomorrow morning I'm going to bring you coffee from that stand around the corner you like. I'll put it on your desk and you'll say 'Thanks Danny'. And I'll be really sweet to you. And I'll drop hints around Jack as to how cute you are. And if that doesn't work I'll ask you out in front of everyone. Sam can't call me homophobic after this! And you can sing my praises to her about what a great guy I am. We start seeing each other. They start noticing us. Once we get their attention we have an amicable break up. If this works out you can be my best man and you and Jack can be godfathers to our fist born!" Danny realized he'd been squeezing Martin's hand all the time he'd be speaking, but he didn't want to let go. Martin had gone very pale. Poor guy looked so scared.

"You want me to pretend to be your boyfriend?" Martin squeaked. Danny nodded.

"But, then Sam will think you're gay. How's that going to help you?"

"You'll tell her I'm bi. She'll have to rethink her opinion of me as a homophobe. Hopefully she'll start talking to me, without looking at me like I'm pond scum!"

"You really think Jack will notice me?" Martin asked thinking he sounded pathetic to Danny.

"By the time I'm finished he's going to think he was stupid not to notice you before and look for any chance to have you," Danny sighed. "What have we got to lose Martin, eh? At least we won't be alone in our misery and I can be a pretty attentive boyfriend given the right incentive." Danny waggled his eyebrows suggestively at Martin and winked. Martin leaned forward and put his hand over his.

"Okay, boyfriend. How you want to play this?"


To Be Continued...