Where You Are by Jilly

I still have the urge to reach out and touch her dark hair, just to feel it running through my fingers. But I always pull away, as if there is just nothing that will take away the pain that's been caused. I know the pain will never go away, but yet it does all the same. I know I am babbling, but yet I sense a certain amount of longing within her whenever I watch her. I just want to take her in my arms and never let go of her, but I can't. It wouldn't be right. To her, to me or to JD. I'm so glad that she was able to find love with him.

The day I left, God that was the hardest thing ever. I never imagined that it would be that hard. That leaving would tear me up inside and make me feel as if the flames of hell would engulf me. But they didn't. I look at her now and smile. I know the pain of my leaving will always be there for her. For all of them, but seeing her so happy now. And that one solitary night I had with her. I never in a millions years would have dreamed that it left her with a child. But then again, I also never realized at what level her love for me ran.

Still to this day I can't believe how much love you can have or give. When Sarah and Adam had died... I thought I had died with them. Never did I think I could love like that again. Till her.

But here I am now. With her always but never being able to hold her. Not till that day when she too takes the journey that took me from her. That took me from them all.

I can still see those big brown eyes of hers as she gazed into mine. They were so sad and full of tears. I touched her cheek. I remember that. I remember whispering to her, and thinking how the pain that my heart was feeling for leaving her behind made the pain from the gunshot wound I had gotten feel like nothing more than a splinter. I hated hurting her, but I had saved her. That was what was important. I can still hear her words too.

"Chris you can't leave me."

"I love you Chris."

Those where the last words I heard. Then I woke up and found out that I could see her and watch over her, and wait for her to come to me again. I thought at first those few days after I was gone she would join me sooner then I wanted her to. Then JD helped her through it, and she grew to love him. For that I would always be grateful to JD for. And for raising my son as his own, with as much love as he loved his own child.

I watch her now wondering how long I will have to wait, then I pause and smile. However long it takes, it'll be worth it to have her back here with me again.

I'll never leave you Casey. Never. I love you Casey. I'll always love you.

THE END