Regret and Obsession by Anne Tolar

Hell, Cowboy... I wasn't much of a friend.
His friend sat over there across the street still, wrapped in his blanket,
Wrapped in his own personal hell...half lost.
Just sittin' there feeling the cut of the reproach in Mary's eyes...
Half dead, body and soul.
The man would have preferred a whip on his skin
Instead of the cold he felt from her stare or the scorch of my eyes,
Both telling him what he's done.

What had he said?
"Hang on, Chris, Nathan's coming!"
No, what had he said, standing out in Ella's front yard,
When his friend said he's staying with her?
"Good luck to ya."
That was it? That's what he'd said?
"Hell, Tanner. Why didn't you say it right? 'You're a dang fool,
Larabee!' That's what you should 'a said."

How do you let your best friend make that kind of mistake?
How do you not make him see?
"Stupid! Larabee, this don't make no sense!"
You should a yelled it at him...right then.
You knew! You sensed it
Like you sense the trail of a comanche trying to take your own scalp.

Why did you wait until you'd stuck your whole big foot in it?
"She lied to you! She ain't no good!"
Too late, too little. After he'd worn the tux.
After he'd already bought into the lies, her lips, and her bed.
What was that you said?
"She's no good, and I'm leaving."
Wrong words when a friend's convinced she owns his whole soul.

Then what came out of your mouth?
When he's down with her hired gunner's hole in his chest?
Killing his flesh and destroying his soul.
After he knew what she'd done,
How she'd pulled him inside the lies.
"Hold on Chris, Nathan's coming."

That was in the first minute of pain. Doubt he even heard it said.
No...just now, when he's healing so hard and you was just back off the hunt?
What did you say?
"Wish you'd a shot her when you had the chance!"
That's what you said. Your voice full of condemnation.
Should a said "I should a got her for ya, pard!
Kept ya from having to kill a
woman ya loved twice in one life."

Was cruel to remind him that he should a done it.
Was stupid to think a man like him could kill her,
Right there...with her done stared her crazy love into his eyes again.
He'd a been one to see it at the depth of his heart as a murder
As bad as what she'd done...done with hate, not with justice.
It's who he is....who he'll always be.
Carrying guilt inside his heart,
Right next to his dead wife and son.

I'm sorry, Cowboy....I wasn't much of a friend.
But, you trust me, Chris Larabee. I'll be a much better one...
If we ever find her again.

THE END