What We Hope To Learn by Annie

ONE

So scream you, out from behind the bitter ache
Hheavy on the memory you need most, still want love
Ugly smooth and delicate not without affection
Not alone

And instead of wishing that it would just get better
Man, you're seeing that you just angrier

And it's good that I'm not angry.
I just need to get over, I'm not angry, anymore

Cry when you cry, run when you run love when you love
Represent the ashes that you leave behind

And instead of wishing that the road had shoulder
Man, you're seeing that you're sinking over time

And it's good that I'm not angry
I just need to get over, I'm not angry
It's dragging me under, I'm not angry

I'm not angry
It's never been enough it gets inside and it tears you up
I'm not angry but I've never been above it
You see through me don't you

Angry - Matchbox 20

The office door slammed and six faces looked up from desks to stare at one another with raised eyebrows.

"He's uh--"

"Apparently a little pissed," Buck Wilmington finished and grinned slightly to JD Dunne, who stood mouth wide as he stared at the closed door.

"And to what, do you suppose, may we attribute that current little display of ire?" Ezra Standish wondered aloud.

"Bad day?" JD offered. He was still fairly new to the ATF team of specialists and trying desperately to learn the ways and means of each the other members. Chris Larabee, head man and current angry ogre, still remained an elusive puzzle. At first seeming fairly even-keeled, but as of late the man just seemed to be sinking deeper and deeper into the blackest of moods. And so now, after the newest explosion of anger he'd just witnessed, JD decided he had no more desire to pursue his team-member studies. In no way did he want to be the recipient of any of the raging fire that had lately been flaring from the man's eyes. Stand too close and he knew he'd get burned.

"Bad day...bad week," Josiah Sanchez added and shut down his computer. "Okay, brothers. That is it for me. I happily say sayonara." He was done for the day and ready to leave and had no intention of sticking around to be fodder for the boss's latest foul temper. There was no talking to Chris when he became this way. And he was this way a lot lately.

"What? You don't wanna go get a beer tonight? But it's Friday," Buck protested as he watched the man pack his briefcase. "C'mon, Josiah. We always go get a beer on Friday. Nathan?"

"I'm outta here, too," Nathan Jackson sighed and cut off his desk light. It had been a miserable week for everyone and he was happy to see it come to end. Plus, he had hopes of squeezing in a little romantic dinner with his wife and he wanted to pick up some wine. With the weatherman's sure promise of the coming of an evening's blizzard, he didn't want to be stuck anywhere but at home.

Buck turned to Ezra, who stood and slipped into his Burberry trench. Ezra answered the questioning eyes without even looking up from his desk.

"I am otherwise engaged, thank you."

"Really."

Ezra pulled out the keys to his Jaguar. "Yes, really. I have a cd player loaded with the classics, a bottle of port and fine cheese and a wonderful book awaiting me at my home and I intend to be there listening, sampling and reading in a matter of minutes. All by myself, alone."

"Aw hell, Ez, that ain't no fun." Vin Tanner stood shaking his head as he leaned against his desk, watching the interplay between his team members.

Buck nodded. "No, it ain't fun. In fact, Ezra, it sounds boring as hell. Now, lemme tell you what you really need--"

Ezra groaned and buttoned his coat. "Please...don't."

"Well, since y' said please and all. Allow me to point out where you're goin' wrong in your social life."

"I said please don't."

"Yeah, well, I'm ignoring that part. Now, listen up--"

"As engaging as this is bound to be, I'm afraid I really must be going."

Buck spoke over him as he continued. "First, you need to start with a good beer. Not one of those imports you're so fond of, either, but a good ol' 'merican made brew. Next, a soft body pressing--"

"Cease and desist," Ezra interrupted, knowing full well if Buck continued speaking he'd find himself seated in the usual chair at the usual table in the back of the usual bar watching Buck attempt to charm the skirts off the usual flock of women.

"I, along with yourselves, have had a miserable week full of wretched paperwork and seething superiors, and have now not the slightest inclination of extending said misery any further by rehashing the week's events with the rest of you as you drown in your cups. Uh...No offense intended, I assure you."

"Ezra--"

"Mr. Wilmington. Buck. I am exhausted and I am leaving."

"Ezra--"

"Goodbye. Here I go...watch...I'm out the door."

"Ezra--"

"Say goodnight, gentlemen...and I do use the term loosely," the voice could be heard as it drifted from the hallway. "Ezra has left the building."

Buck turned to the remaining two and shrugged his shoulders. "He just doesn't know what's good for him. Well, guess it's just the fun bunch, then. Whaddaya say boys?"

JD grinned and grabbed his coat. "I'm in and going. I'll meet you there but I want to fill up my tank first. You know they're calling for a big storm late tonight."

"So I've heard."

"Okay, I'll see ya in a few. Save me a beer or two."

Buck laughed and flipped his light off as he turned to Vin. "Let's go, Vin. I'm sure I can hear an ice cold one calling your name."

Vin nodded and started after the departing man, then turned to glance at the closed door behind him. He stopped and stared and wondered if he should attempt a knock or leave well enough alone. God knew, he had no desire to incure the wrath that was Larabee at the moment, but it didn't seem right not to offer an invitation to happy hour, either.

'Course, sometimes it was better to let biting dogs bite someone else.

He startled when a hand fell heavily onto his shoulder, turning him around.

"I don't know that's a good idea there, Junior. He ain't in the partying mood these days."

Vin nodded. "So I've noticed. Still, shouldn't we make the offer, anyway? All he can do is say no."

"All he can do is tear your head off and hand it back to you, you mean."

Vin frowned. "He ain't been that bad, Buck."

Buck smiled softly as he looked down at the younger man and wondered if Chris saw what he did shining deep within the large expressive eyes. Vin hadn't been one of the team for all that long, but in the short time that he had, Buck had seen that he and Chris had formed a bond of friendship that even he hadn't ever reached with the other man. Not in the twelve years that he'd been a part of Chris's life had he developed the sort of eerie, deep rooted connection that Chris and Vin seemed to have established from day one. There was a definite closeness there, that was clearly evident.

Lately, though, Buck was fairly sure that on Vin's part, anyway, it encompassed more than just friendly feelings. He had his suspicions.

He studied the man's face before him. Handsome. Yes, he'd thought Vin was a good-looking young man the moment he'd seen him. Did Chris see any of this? Doubtful.

"Vin. This just ain't Chris's favorite time of year, that's all. Holidays can be tough and, well...You don't wanna go poking a stick into a nest of bees and end up pissin' off the king."

"Queen."

Buck and Vin looked up to find they were staring into the head bee's hard green eyes.

"There is no king bee."

"Figures. Well hey, Chris. Vin and I are off t' meet JD over at Inez's. Care to join us...your majesty?"

Chris ran a hand through his hair, his eyes downcast as he thought it over. He knew he'd been acting vicious lately, snapping at everything and everyone, but it was Christmas, and he couldn't seem to help himself. Still, though, maybe a drink or two with friends was just what he needed.

Maybe it was exactly what he needed.

"Yeah. Okay, yeah. I'll go. Let me clean up my desk and I'll be right behind you." He watched as Buck and Vin headed out and could hear their laughter from the hallway. He then found himself staring at an empty doorway before realizing that he'd been standing there for several minutes, his mind elsewhere.

For the past few years, the holidays had been almost intolerable. The long season was hell to deal with when he was constantly bombarded with images of laughing children and happy families. Losing his wife and child had affected him deeply and sometimes he thought he would never manage a peaceful existence again. But then lately, as he found himself surrounded by the six other members of his team, he discovered a new sense of what might make a family. Despite what the others thought and despite his foul mood of late, being around these men seemed to have made this year's season a little bit easier to bear.

Or, if he were really truthful with himself, being around Vin made it a lot easier to bear.

He shuffled the never-ending paperwork into a large pile and placed it in the center of his desk and thought about Tanner. Lately it seemed Vin crossed his mind more often than not.

He pushed the button for the elevator and leaned against the wall. Vin could always get a rise out of him, that was for sure. Sarah used to make him laugh, too...her eyes would crinkle at the corners when she smiled...not as much as Vin's, but similarly, somehow.

He thought about the men of his team. He was friends with all of them, even JD, as young as he was. That made him smile. Vin wasn't all that much older than JD, yet seemed eons apart from him. Maybe Vin really aged in dog years.

He stepped into the elevator and pressed the button for the garage, smelling the scent of pizza when he entered. Someone was working late, he guessed.

Sarah loved pizza. Every Friday night they'd order out when after Adam was born, she declared she didn't cook on the weekends. He closed his eyes as he recalled the way the tip of her tongue would peek from her mouth just as she started to bite into a slice...funny thing, he'd noticed a few weeks back that Vin's did the same thing and...

His eyelids shot open and his heart seemed to have leapt to his throat at the clear image his mind produced. His groin stirred.

His groin stirred?

Oh Christ, that was what he was feeling down there.

Because of...because of Vin?

No, no, no. He just liked the man's quiet company. That was all it was.

Get a grip, Larabee.

He'd go to the bar, have a drink--maybe two, no more--and then go home. Maybe order a pizza.

Vin sat in the noisy bar and tried to clear his head of his boss's image. Visions of Chris had entered his mind the minute he'd met the man and they had yet to let up. Adding alcohol to those pictures, he knew, was never the wisest of choices. Not that he was afraid of doing or saying anything to the man. No, it was more the fact he'd feel empty and aching later and Lord, he didn't need any more of that this time of year. Christmas was hard enough to get through, without adding a whole bunch of unrequited love to the mix.

Wait...Love?

No, not love. He wasn't really feeling love. Couldn't be.

Lust, maybe.

No...it was more complicated than that, he knew. But love?

No. He wasn't even sure what love felt like and besides, he wasn't sure he even believed it really existed, anyway.

Love. Highly overrated and exaggerated emotion. That much he knew for sure.

Still, when he watched Chris thread his way through the bar and slide into the seat to his right, his heart seemed to skip a beat and he was suddenly grateful for the bar's dim lighting as he was almost sure his face was flushed beet red. If anyone asked, he'd tell them he was feeling hot. He quickly drained his beer and mentally berated himself for acting so foolish.

Buck was floored that Chris had even showed up. Knowing what emotional torture the holidays were to the man, he was completely surprised when Chris had not only accepted the invitation for a beer, but had actually showed up to drink it. Well, whiskey. But still...he was here. And that was amazing considering how mean and ornery the man had been the past weeks. Buck knew though, the anger he displayed was more a veil to hide the hurt of loss.

He looked at Vin, intially confused, then wholly amused by the faint blush that seemed to be staining the man's cheeks. Had to be because of Chris. He chuckled to himself and hoped for Vin's sake that Chris never discovered the little crush their sharpshooter seemed to be carrying. Even though he knew Chris wasn't against the idea of two men sharing sheets, Lord knew he was proof of that, he just couldn't imagine that man even thinking of doing that with Vin. Chris would be...be, what? Well, he wasn't sure exactly how the man would react but figured it would not be a pretty sight.

Vin was, though. It amazed him that he'd never noticed just how blue Vin's eyes were, especially when he wore that faded blue flannel shirt that he was currently wearing.

It was too bad the young man didn't go for tall, dark and exceedingly handsome.

He grinned into his beer mug. Obviously the boy needed to broaden his horizons. Chris, hah. Vin would learn quickly that Chris was a dead-end street when it came to any matters of the heart. He was too wrapped up in the loss of his own wife and child to pay attention to any others buzzing around his head. God knew Mary Travis had tried to land and failed.

No, Chris wasn't noticing much these days. For the past few years, the onset of the holiday season coincided with the onset of Chris's anger at life in general. Christmastime and constant good cheer would be enough to ensure Chris would be in a foul mood for weeks on end.

No, Vin would do better to look elsewhere for companionship.

He smiled again and drank deeply as he looked around the crowded bar to find his own form of companionship. There was to be a huge snowstorm blowing in and he thought it might be fun to be snowed in with someone.

Vin?

Fat chance. By the look of him, there were nothing but thoughts of Chris dancing through that boy's head this holiday season. Though in time, he might make a try down that avenue.

Buck looked for Inez. Just where was that beautiful señorita, anyway? With a nod to the others, he headed for the bar and the woman of his dreams. Or, the woman of tonight's dreams, at least. If only she would see it that way.

At least once.

JD was in hog heaven. Casey Wells, the young woman he'd been sort of seeing for the past few weeks, had just come in with a few of her friends and was signalling for him to join them. He looked to Vin and Chris, both sitting and drinking and not saying a word.

As usual.

"Hey, look. Casey just walked in. I'm uh, going to go see her, maybe see if she wants to get a pizza or something before it starts snowing. So, if you don't mind, I'll, uh, see you guys later. Vin. Chris. 'Night."

"'Kay, night JD." Vin's stomach lurched when he looked around to find he and Chris were the only ones left at the table.

Not that it should bother him.

So what if he was attracted to the man? Wasn't like that was anything new. He could sit here quietly and drink his beer and enjoy just being in the man's presence like always.

It didn't bother him.

He sipped his beer and shook his head. Who was he kidding?

It bothered him a lot.

Downing another shot of whiskey and wondering vaguely how many that made, Chris looked to JD and watched as he finally left with Casey and her friends in tow and felt a sudden pang of longing. He could just picture his college days and the girl who would eventually become his wife.

Sarah.

Memories flashed deep within him and he let himself be surrounded by their warmth and familiarity as they played out in his head. He drained another glass then refilled it and let his forehead drop to the table, his mind full of swirling visions.

A hand rubbed lightly against his shoulder and he thought of his beautiful wife.

Suddenly she was standing there, shaking her head as she laughed. He could see her...could hear her voice as she pointed to his glass.

Does that stuff ever get to tasting better?

She never had been one to drink much.

Sarah?

"Chris?" he heard the voice calling to him from far away.

He looked up to find himself staring into a pair of enormous dark, round eyes.

Beautiful blue eyes.

Sarah's blue eyes.

Wait...that wasn't quite right.

He reached out to touch the face, the one that floated just out of reach and found his hand smacked down to the table.

"Shit, Chris. Y' almost poked out m' eye. Watch what the hell yer doin'."

Vin?

Vin's eyes. Vin had beautiful eyes. He thought he would like to drown himself in those deep indigo eyes.

Chris rubbed his head and winced. What the hell was he thinking?

What time was it? He wondered how long he'd been sitting here at the table...and wondered just how much he'd had to drink. Must be a lot considering he was thinking of Vin's eyes.

Shit.

He remembered there had been muffled conversation happening around him. Seemed like he could remember snarling at Buck and then Vin when they'd both suggested that maybe he'd had enough to drink. Well, they were right. He'd definitely had enough.

He wanted to go home. He needed to get home. Going out to the bar had been a huge mistake. What made him ever think consuming large amounts of alcohol would ease the ache he felt inside. If anything, he now felt even worse than before. He was reminded of all he'd lost and all he'd never be allowed to have.

Sarah.

Vin.

Vin?

Christ. He needed to get home to soak his head.

"Let's get you up. Shit, Chris, you're like dead weight."

Buck's voice.

He turned to the friend who'd known him...before. "Sarah was here," he slurred as he looked up into the blurry face hovering over him.

"Chris," Buck said softly. "Sarah's gone...you know that."

"Yeah, I know," he agreed, nodding his head then wishing he hadn't. "She was here, though."

Buck frowned. "You did more damage to that whiskey than I thought there, pard."

Chris nodded and again wished he could remember not to do that anymore. He caught sight of another figure standing at his side and could just make out the large, dark eyes.

Vin's eyes.

Goddamn eyes.

"I'm fucked, Buck."

"No, you're fucked up. There's a difference."

Chris looked up at the man. "I know."

Standing proved to be somewhat more difficult than he'd thought, but he managed to rise to his feet and stood swaying as he searched his pockets for his keys. A hand appeared at his back and he was nudged toward the door as muffled voices sounded all around him.

"What?" he asked bleary-eyed.

Was that Vin?

"It's me, Chris."

Vin.

The gravelly voice spoke beside him as he was guided to his car. No, not his car. Vin's. Vin's Jeep.

"You lettin' Vin drive me home? I can drive better drunk than he can sober," he protested even as his thick tongue refused to allow the words to trip clearly from his own mouth.

"Now that's too close to the truth there, pard," another voice said as he was pulled and pushed into the Jeep. "But at least he's got two eyes open."

Buck this time.

He lay his head against the seat as visions continued to shift through his brain.

First, images of Sarah filled his mind and he watched her and his heart surged. Then, pictures of her twirling with their little boy crept forward and again, the love he felt constricted his chest making it hard to breathe. He watched as the two figures danced and moved and then began to fade. He cried out loud, a soft groan that filled his ears as their bodies vanished from his mind and another's form began to take shape.

Again, a warm hand touched lightly on his shoulder and then was gone, and he peeled open his heavy eyelids to look toward the man seated to his left. He became fascinated by the way the streetlights from the highway shined into the windshield, each transversed band of light briefly illuminating the fine young features before they then plunged back into darkness.

Vin.

With one hand he reached out to caress the silky dark hair worn long to the shoulders and let his fingers briefly play as they wrapped and twined around the soft curls, then his hand fell back to his own lap.

His eyes closed and he breathed softly as a heavy sleep began to pull him away.

Vin was sure he was having a coronary.

What else could explain the frantic beating of his heart?

Chris had groaned in his sleep, and without thinking, he'd reached over and let his hand rest for a moment on the man's shoulder purely in a gesture of comfort and then...

and then...

and then...

he'd found Chris's hand drifting over to begin caressing and playing with his hair. It was only for a moment, but it had happened.

His body stiffened and with a tiny groan, he shifted a little further away from the now sleeping man. It was all he could do to concentrate on the road ahead as his mind kept replaying the feel of those fingers twining into his hair.

What was Chris thinking?

What was he thinking?

He felt the tightening in his jeans and bit his lip. He shouldn't start thinking this way, he reminded himself. Chris had been married, had had a son. Was in no way interested in any stray from the streets. The man was drunk and out of his mind and he would just drive him home, drop him off and then hurry as fast as he could back to the safety of his own apartment.

He felt for Chris, though. Must be hard to spend the holidays all alone, no family.

That made him laugh. Where the hell did that thought come from?

He had never had a family to spend Christmas with. Well, not since his mother had died when he was five. After that, he was just shuffled around from one foster family to another...or worse, there were those times when he found himself back in custody of the youth services people. They never gave much of a damn whether or not it was Christmas.

Still, though. For Chris, it must be very hard to wade through the holidays suddenly alone. To have once had a family to love and be loved in return and then...nothing.

For himself, well, of course you would never miss what you never had. That was the way of most things.

There were those who received and those who didn't.

Vin reckoned he'd always be one of those who didn't.

After fumbling in the dark with one hand searching for the switch, the other trying to hold up a very unsteady Chris, he finally managed to turn on the light that lit up the kitchen of Chris's ranch house.

The drive had been peaceful for Vin. Snow had been falling and there hadn't been too much traffic on the roads once they left Denver. He always enjoyed the ride to Chris's ranch and knew the way by heart.

Chris had slept the entire way and Vin had taken advantage of the allowed closeness to the other man as he let his gaze travel over the handsome features. He could never tire of looking on that man's face and it was nice to see Chris's features look so open and relaxed as they did in repose.

Now, he tried to guide the semi-alert man through the kitchen but found Chris was being less than cooperative as he slowly became more aware.

"I need a drink," the drunk man was saying as they maneuvered past the refrigerator.

"You're already drunk," Vin said and tried to push the man forward, but was pulled back himself. He found himself suddenly wedged between Chris and the large stainless steel wall of the refrigerator at his back.

Chris's face was no less than an inch from his own. A hand touched the tiny droplets in his hair.

"You're drippin'," Chris slurred and caught a few of the wet beads on his finger.

"It's snowin'," Vin breathed. He wouldn't have moved for the world.

"Is it?" Chris turned and headed back toward the door, his stride unbalanced as he all but fell down the few steps to the ground. He managed to right himself and stood outside as he wavered drunkely in the collecting snowfall.

Vin leaned against the doorjamb and watched. He knew he'd replay this moment in his head for days to come as he looked on Chris, dressed all in his usual black and standing unsteadily in the freezing cold while tiny white snowflakes whipped around his body.

Vin shivered as the wind picked up its pace. He figured Chris to have enough whiskey in him to not notice the frigid temperature, but he, himself, was freezing.

"Chris. Larabee. Get inside."

Chris was staring at the snow as it fell.

"Sarah loved the snow," he said quietly and then turned to look at Vin, feeling as though he was almost seeing the man for the first time. He started for the steps leading up to the kitchen's back door.

"You love the snow, Vin?"

Vin shook his head and watched the man advance. Chris seemed suddenly more sober than he had a moment ago and that, for whatever reason, unnerved him.

"Hate it."

Chris reached the top of the step and Vin backed up next to the counter to let him pass.

Only he didn't. Pass, that is.

"What else you hate, Tanner?"

"I don't--I don't hate anything...really..." Vin stammered and hated himself for doing so. When did he start feeling so nervous and what the hell was going on with Chris that had him acting so weird?

"Really?" Chris said and stood even closer to Vin, who leaned backwards enough to feel the hard edge of the granite countertop pressing into his back.

"So," Chris continued, "if I do this, you won't hate it?" He shook himself like a dog, water from melting snow spraying out in every direction.

Vin gasped as the cold droplets showered down on him. He laughed a little, his apprehension showing as he tried to figure out just what it was that had gotten into Chris. That man and playful were two words that never seemed to want to go hand-in-hand. But here he was, near falling down drunk and acting...well, playful.

Chris grinned and looked directly into Vin's eyes. He leaned forward and felt a charge when Vin shifted away from him as though he was uncertain about what move Chris might make. And Chris thrilled that he could cause such a reaction. His alcohol-infused brain was still somewhat muddy, yet the cold had recharged him enough that he felt strangely alive. As though he were watching himself from afar.

He shifted to stare directly into Vin's enormous blue eyes. Eyes that were trying hard not to look directly into his. He reached out a finger.

"Would you hate it if I did this?" he asked and trailed that finger down the side of Vin's face. Vin had closed his eyes and was standing perfectly still.

Chris felt wired.

He let his finger slowly slip down the soft skin of Vin's temple by those closed eyes then traced through the sandpaper stubble of his jawline. He stopped with the tip of his finger under Vin's chin and pushed it upward so the man's face was aligned with his.

"Tell me, Vin. Would you hate it if I did... this?" He leaned down and brushed his lips lightly across Vin's, feeling all at once excited and apprehensive and, Christ...like he had the hottest eletrical current racing through his every nerve.

Was this how Buck felt with every new conquest?

What had made him start this with Vin, he wasn't sure...but for right this minute, right here and now, he wanted it to never end. No one since Sarah had excited him this much and he grinned as he felt the faint stirrings of his erection against the tightness of the black pants.

In the back of his mind, he wondered that maybe he should feel somewhat embarrassed by the whole thing.

But he didn't.

"I've noticed the way you look at me, sometimes. Vin," he said and for that very moment, knew he needed Vin to turn that wide-eyed gaze his way.

"Look at me." Needed to see in the younger man's eyes what he, himself, was feeling.

"Look at me like that, right now."

It hadn't escaped him, the hidden glances and surreptitious looks Vin would send his way when he thought no one was noticing. But Chris had eyes in the back of his head. He always noticed. And if it hadn't been for the memories of Sarah and Adam...maybe he would've considered looking back. Somehow, though, it felt as if he was betraying their memory, betraying the love for his wife, and so he repressed any recognition of the impulses he'd had in the past few months since meeting Vin Tanner.

But not tonight.

Vin couldn't breathe. He was trying, but the air just wasn't coming fast enough into his lungs. He was sure he was going to pass out at any moment and he hoped he wouldn't just keel over on the cold, tile floor right in front of Chris.

Chris was saying something to him, but all he could hear was the snow tinkling against the windows and the beating of his own heart as it seemed to pound in his eardrums when that finger lit upon his face.

Then those wonderfully pouted lips brushed against his and he almost melted onto the floor. His pants tightened as he felt the swell of hard flesh expanding inside, and all the blood from his brain drained away to pool into his groin. LIght-headed and not the least bit sure of himself, he pulled back and opened his eyes to find cloudy green ones peering into his.

Lord, if Chris was drunk enough to be doing this...

He said nothing as he straightened his stance and took a full step away from Chris.

"I really need t' go," he stated, knowing that staying would probably be a terrible mistake. Chris was drunk and didn't know fully what he was doing.

Did he?

Chris reached out a hand and let it slide slowly over Vin's shirt buttons before letting it drop away.

"Really?" Chris asked silently. A part of his subconscious was in a whirlwind, not fully understanding what was motivating his actions. He knew what he was asking of Vin, though, knew he wanted what he asked...

Oh yes, wanted it all.

Vin stammered, saying nothing that made any sense to his own ears. How was it with just one touch, this man had reduced him to nothing more than a blithering idiot?

He had to leave.

"Vin, wait," Chris said, suddenly feeling very sober as he sensed the man about to bolt. "It doesn't have to be...if you really don't want..."

"No, Chris. I do...I just don't--" Vin tried to gather what wits he felt he still had in the face of what was happening.

What exactly was happening?

Chris moved forward and caught Vin by the arms as he slid his hands around the young man's body, holding him firmly to the counter as he pressed his own body forward.

Vin couldn't stand it. As he felt the hands circle his back, he leaned into the hard body and on complete impluse, sure that his brain had just up and abandoned him altogether, he drove his lips to Chris's and rammed his tongue deeply into the wet warmth of the mouth now covering his own.

Chris's eyes opened wide, completely startled by the move. He finished the powerful kiss that Vin started and then they both pulled away, panting hard.

"You want this?" Chris asked of Vin and of himself.

"I...I think...I..." Vin stuttered, feeling as though he were coming apart at the seams.

"It doesn't have to mean a thing, Vin," Chris soothed as he moved in for another kiss. "Not a thing...just one night if--"

Vin pulled hard from the arms that held him and this time, he did step away. He stared at Chris, his own thoughts in turmoil as a tornado of words swept through his mind, one word clearly forming.

"No."

He pulled on his jacket and grabbed his keys as he headed to the door.

TWO

What we learned here is love tastes bitter when its gone pass yourself
Forget the light, things look dirty when it's on
Funny how it comes to pass, that all the good slips away
And there's no one around you can remember being good to you

Shame, shouldn't try you, couldn't step by you and open up more shame, shame

What we lost here is something better left alone second steps have been forgotten
Will you tell me how they go set yourself, situate, like a fool try again
There's no one around you can remember being good, for you so

We never thought we'd get so troubled
We could never think that much it should never get this bad

So let the wind blow ya, across a big floor
But there's no one around who can tell us what we're here for
Funny, in a certain light, how we all look the same
And there's no one in life you can remember ever stood, for you

Shame - Matchbox 20

A hand reached over his head and slammed shut the open door, stirring up the few wispy flakes of snow that had snuck inside.

Vin leaned into the door, his forehead pressed against its cold surface as he closed his eyes and wished he could manage a way to crawl inside himself and disappear. Hands brushed lightly over his back and gripped his shoulders. Warm breath wafted across his neck and he could smell the thick scent of whiskey as he inhaled.

"Vin."

He swallowed as he heard his name, knowing he would have to turn and face the man behind him and wishing desperately that he didn't have to do just that. Not now.

Words still rang in his ears...the same words he'd heard more often than not in his life. The phrase -- doesn't have to mean a thing -- standing out most of all. He despised hearing them uttered yet again. Would he ever mean anything to anybody?

"Vin, look at me."

He melted against the door a little more. "Chris. I..." he paused, hearing how unsteady his voice sounded. He cleared his throat and spoke up. "I just...I gotta go."

For a brief second the hands that touched him seemed to tighten as though they might hold and never let go, but then they loosed their hold from off his back and he felt an unexpected sense of loss. As though an inner flame somewhere within him flickered and then was snuffed out entirely to leave him in the dark.

He felt empty.

Goddamnit. This wasn't what he wanted...wasn't the way he wanted things to turn. Certainly wasn't how he wanted to be feeling.

Feeling. That was the problem, right there. He had too many feelings. Here he'd been handed a night with a willing Chris -- just what he'd dreamed and fantasized about for months -- and he'd blown it by walking off all because his own feelings drove too deep. Chris was looking for a one night ride and he just wasn't sure he could deal. No...he was sure. He couldn't deal.

Coward.

He needed to leave. Needed desperately to get the hell gone.

His body straightened and he fumbled for the doorknob that was sticking into his hip. With the slightest step backwards, he tried to yank it open. It wouldn't budge. His hands were sweaty and he gripped the cold metal knob again, turning...turning...turning...

...failing.

"Fuckin' Goddamn, fuckass great door y' fuckin' got here," he mumbled, all the while trying to open the door without success. He felt the threads of anger and frustration beginning to take root and he welcomed them. At least they were forms of emotion with which he was more than familiar. He could deal with feelings of anger and was only too happy to let it rise up and overpower the other unwanted feeling of desperate loss that had settled with a painful ache inside his chest.

He rattled the brass doorknob. How was it not ten minutes before, Chris had it open with no problem even though the man had to be shit-faced beyond measure? Just how was that?

He pulled hard, his damp palm twisting around the cold metal. Again, he frantically tried to open the stuck knob, ready to just to kick the living shit out of the thing, when a hand brushed his out of the way. Lithe fingers calmly and slowly opened the door. With ease.

Shit. Even drunk Chris had grace of movement.

A blast of cold air hit Vin hard in the face along with a multitude of tiny icy flakes that hurried into the warmer air as if seeking their own refuge from the frigid temperature. He pulled his coat tightly around his body and braced himself to leave.

Ah, freedom.

"Just like that."

He stopped mid-step as the soft words hissed at his back. However cold it was outside was no comparison to the near sub-zero readings he was now sensing behind him. He spoke without turning.

"What?"

"You."

Vin stood on the bottom step outside Chris's door and said not a word.

Without turning, he shook his head and headed for his Jeep. The door behind him began to close and he just barely registered the whispered words that drifted out on the wind.

"Fuckin' coward."

He spun to face the peeling paint of the now closed door. With a quick-to-ignite rage that surprised even him as it burst forth, he kicked open the door and took a step back into the kitchen.

Chris was standing pretty much where he had been a moment before, eyes steady and hard and looking nowhere near as inebriated as he should.

"What did you call me?" Vin growled, his breathing coming in short pants. Coward. He hated that word. He hated that Chris had thought the exact same thing of him as he had just thought of himself. He felt close to a near full-brain implosion as he now found himself back to where he didn't want to be...face-to-face with the man he desired.

"Why? You looking to put another dent in my door?"

"What did you call me?" Vin asked again.

"Who says I called you anything?"

"I heard you."

"Then why are you asking?"

"I wanna hear you say it to my face." Vin was reeling, his emotions swelling in huge waves as anger, loss, frustration and extreme confusion warred against one another.

Why was he back here? Did it really matter that Chris said out loud what he had labeled himself not a few minutes before. Why did he care? He'd had enough people call him enough things behind his back and to his face to not let this affect him. It shouldn't matter to him and yet, it did.

God, it did so matter.

Because it came from Chris.

Chris's mouth broke into a slow grin of near menacing proportions. He knew just how intimidating he could look and relished the feeling of control that slowly seeped back into his veins.

He inhaled slightly and took a step forward. Hurt and embarrassment and confusion, all the emotions he had been feeling when Vin just walked out. He despised the way they left him feeling so out of control.

As much as he had to admit he was pleased that Vin was present again, standing by the door in his kitchen looking for all the world like he was ready to take someone's -- mainly his -- head off, Chris couldn't help but grin. There was a spine-tingling thrill that came as he suspected the onset of an arguement. He might not know how to cope with the conflicting emotions whirling so wildly in his heart, but he damn sure knew how to deal with confrontation.

That was his forte.

"I said, coward," he said, knowing full well he'd not directed the slur toward Vin, but not much caring about that right now. All that mattered was Vin had come back inside.

One way or another, he was going to walk away from this episode with his full sense of control reinstated to its rightful position and his head screwed back onto his neck instead of up his ass, which was exactly where he felt liked it had been placed the last several minutes. What was it about Tanner that had him feeling like a young boy on his first date? Vin wanted him, he knew it...so why had Vin just walked away? He needed to know.

"Or, more correctly, I guess I said fuckin' coward."

He knew he'd just added fuel to the fire, and for some reason that sent a charge down his body. He was furious with himself for feeling so out of control, which was making him furious with Vin for causing him to feel that way.

Vin paled. It wasn't what Chris called him so much as it was the expression of sheer delight that flashed briefly on the man's face that was throwing him for a loop. For a fleeting moment, Chris had looked at him as though he were some squirming bug caught between an entomologist's forceps.

"Coward," he repeated flatly. On one hand, he knew Chris was right. He was a coward...but he wasn't about to admit that to Chris.

"Well, now that we've got that straight," Chris returned, the bite of his words sliding off a razor-edged tongue. Had he been that wrong in judging Vin's signals? No...Vin wanted him, he knew it and Goddamn if he didn't want Vin as well. Exactly when had it happened that one scrawny-assed, smart-mouthed Texas loner could have him feeling so Goddamned flustered by just looking his way.

Just exactly when had this happened?

His whole life he'd been the take-charge guy. Knew what he wanted, when to go get it, and just how much it took to make it happen. Flustered he just didn't do. And fuck if he wasn't doing just that right now.

He inhaled slowly and silently counted to ten.

Stress management lesson. Breathe deep.

Fuck.

Vin stared at his own hand braced on the deep green granite counter. His fingers curled into a fist and he stuffed it back into his jacket. On the one hand, yes, he was a coward. On the other hand, he wasn't about to let himself be caught up in something that would only have him wallowing in his own misery. One night with Chris would just leave him wanting more...just leave him wanting, period.

"Okay. Coward. I guess I deserve that, considerin'--"

"Considering what?"

Vin looked down and studied the scuffed toes of his well worn boots. Really oughta buy new ones. He looked up at Chris and his anger renewed. He wasn't going to allow himself to be cast aside by yet another person he wrongly thought cared. Chris was drunk and horny and Vin wasn't going to put himself in the position of being his one night stand.

Fuck that.

"Considerin' I'm still standin' here, 'stead of bein' halfway home, that's what. I'm not just a coward, I'm a dumb-ass, too. No...a fuckin' dumb-ass."

Chris stared at him, sure he just caught a glimpse of sadness behind the flashing blue eyes. He powered down. "Hell, Vin. I wasn't talking about you, anyway. I was talking about myself."

"Yourself?"

Chris sighed and felt the urge to fight rush out of him. Stress management lesson...choose your battles. "Yeah," he said and closed his eyes. He was being a coward. Vin obviously didn't want what he'd thought...mainly, him. How could he have been so foolish?

Long beats of silence weighed heavy as the two men remained in their respective positions. Chris seemed to have pulled away and Vin stood quietly thinking, trying hard to sort out the past few minutes. It was clear the man had sobered considerably and was obviously regretting already the kiss that had happened between them. He debated on his next move.

Should he leave without saying a word? No, that hadn't exactly worked out well the first time.

Should he run right over and slip his tongue across Chris's closed eyelids? Yeah, right...if he relished a good ass-kicking.

He exhaled.

"What do you want from me?" He raised his head with surprise as he realized he'd just voiced out loud what he was thinking. Not what he'd expected to come out of his own mouth. With a quick glance, he caught the rather surprised expression of Chris's features. Clearly not what Chris had expected, either.

Maybe he should have just up and left.

He looked to his boots again. Since when did things come popping out of his mouth so quickly? And just when had he become such a masochist? He braced himself for a reaction.

Outwardly, he hoped he looked fairly well collected. Inwardly, he was falling apart.

Could Chris tell?

Chris's voice softened as he thought how to answer. He hadn't expected the question. "What do I want? Well, I really want to know what it is you want from me."

Vin stiffened. Leave it to Chris to throw it back. He thought for a moment about what Chris was asking. The same thing he was asking of himself.

What did he want from Chris?

Well, not a one-night stand, that was for damn sure.

"I want...I want..." his voice trailed off and he wondered if he sounded as pathetically juvenile to Chris as he did to himself.

He couldn't voice what it was he did want.

Yes...he did want Chris...but not if it was going to be just a one-time fuck followed by that was great, see ya Monday and don't let the door slam ya on your way out.

Vin's thoughts were interrupted by the ringing of his cell phone and both men stared at it as he pulled it from his pocket.

Saved by the bell.

He read the number listed. "Buck," he said and caught Chris's eyes, holding them to his as he said hello.

"Hey there, Junior. I just wanted to check and make sure you boys made it okay. Weather's gettin' really bad and I know it's a long drive from the bar to Chris's and then back to your own place. So, Chris okay after you left?"

Vin nodded as he replied. "Yeah. Chris is fine." He could hear Buck chuckle into the phone.

"He give you any trouble? Sometimes he can be a real pain in the--"

"No. No trouble. In fact, he...he's standin' right here. Y' wanna talk to him?"

Vin held the phone out to Chris, who grabbed it all the while shaking his head in protest. He had no interest in talking to Buck at the present time.

"Buck."

"Hey, Chris! Vin still at your place? I kinda figured you'd be passed out by now and he'd be halfway home. So, how's your head?"

Chris sighed. His energy was rapidly draining away from him only to be replaced by a spreading tiredness from head to toe. And he was getting a wicked headache. All at once, he felt ancient.

"I'm fine, Buck. Where are you?" Chris could hear noise in the background and Buck laughed again.

"I'm somewhere nice and warm for the night."

Chris laughed as well. "You at that girl -- what's her name -- Kerry's place? The one you were stalking earlier tonight?"

"No, and I'll have you know, I do NOT stalk. I subtly pursue. But if you really must know, she up and left with her friends right after you all did. Poor girl, doesn't know what she'll be missing."

"Oh, I'm sure she has some idea. So, who's that I hear in the background, then? Anyone I know?"

"Well...It's uh...see, I'm at, uh...Ezra's, actually."

Chris paused. Buck's tone seemed to change suddenly and he couldn't help but notice the shushing noises sounding out faint but clear on the other end of the line.

"Ezra?"

"Yeah. Ezra. I drove by his place after you and Vin took off."

"What's the matter, Buck? Slim pickings after Kerry left and Inez turned you down?"

"Yeah, pickings just shriveled up and died after that. And Inez didn't really turn me down...she just was too busy to talk about it. I'll catch her next time. Anyway, the place got quiet a short time after you and Vin left. I was heading home but then decided to come over and help Ezra drink his fine wine and eat his food. The least I could do."

"Ezra," Chris repeated. Buck at Ezra's place. On the night of a snowstorm. Seemed a litte odd...even for Buck. "What're you boys doing?"

"Sippin' some of his private stock and playing cards."

"Poker? Not strip I hope."

"Strip? Hell no, we're not playing strip. Shit, Chris, whaddaya take me for? Besides, you know I won't play the high stakes with Ezra, the man cheats. I could wind up losing my shirt. So, uh...you lettin' Vin get snowed in for the night there? Kind of figured you to be passed out by now, Chris. You really were putting them away earlier. Didn't figure Vin'd still be hanging around your place, either. Kinda late for both of you, ain't it?"

"Buck?"

"Ye-e-s?"

"Just when did you decide to become my mother?"

"Aw hell, Chris," Buck snickered, "just call me Mother Buck--"

"Well, okay...I guess that's better than calling you motherfu--"

"Ahh, I get it. Okay, okay. I'm sayin' goodnight."

"'Night, Buck. Don't let Ezra cheat."

"I think he already has...though things are looking up. He ain't got any sleeves on to hide cards in now."

"No sleeves? Does that mean no shirt, too? Buck...you are playing strip--"

"OkaywellG'night,Chris. Gottago-tellJuniorIsaidlater-seeyabye."

Chris smiled at the hurried words and he shut off the phone, setting it down on the kitchen counter. Buck and Ezra. Who would've thought Buck to pick Ezra to be his snowbunny for the night.

For a fraction of a second he forgot just who else was standing there with him in his kitchen, and he turned with near surprise as he again noticed Vin, rooted to the same place by the door. Vin was looking at his boots.

Chris leaned against his built-in refrigerator and watched Vin. He was still angry, confused and somewhat hurt by Vin's actions and he'd have to admit that just gazing on the man now was rekindling that wicked fire in his groin. Which, unfortunately, was the very last thing he needed to have happen.

He pulled himself forward and opened the fridge's door to retrieve two beers. He held one out to Vin.

"Oh, shit, Chris. I think that's one thing I don't need right now."

Chris opened his and took a long pull. "Yeah, well, I know it's the one thing I do."

"Least y' need somethin'," Vin murmured as he traced a finger over the label on his own bottle.

"What made you leave?"

Vin looked up as he heard the unexpected question. He tried quickly to think of the right thing to say.

"What made you kiss me?" Well, hell Tanner...that sure wasn't it.

Both men stared at each other, their uncertainty showing as the words just rushed forward from each of their mouths. So much for beating around the bush.

"You kissed me."

"No...I..."

"No? I seem to have a distinct memory of your tongue inching its way to my tonsils, Vin. So, from where I stand, that makes you the initiating kisser."

"But you--"

"Are you accusing me of being a liar?"

Vin's eyes widened. Liar? What the hell was Chris talking about? "What the hell are you talking about?"

Chris stepped into Vin's space. He was playing with the man and he knew it. He wanted to hear Vin say that he'd desired the kiss just as much as he had. He needed to know that he wasn't wrong in his assumptions about Vin's attraction to him. He caught a faint trace of the scent of Vin's leather jacket. It had been dampened by the snow and, for some reason, reminded him of a rather familiar aroma. Not offensive, just familiar. Vin smelled like...like...a wet dog.

Dog. Dog years. "I knew it," Chris grinned to himself.

"What?"

"Nothing. Not a thing, " he said and backed off. He needed to calm down his own heightened awareness of the younger man. He really wanted to explore just where this was going with Vin. Stress management lesson...relaxed environments enable relaxed attitudes. "Listen, I'm getting tired. You gonna follow me into the den so we can sit down, or are you still ready to hurry on home?"

Vin never wanted to stay somewhere so badly in all his life...and never wanted to leave somewhere just as much. But he couldn't do it...he couldn't stay near this man one second more. He wasn't willing to endure the emotional upheaval that would surely come if he allowed himself this one night with Chris. Not to mention, it didn't look like Chris was all that interested anymore, anyway.

He shrugged and set the beer on the counter.

"I really gotta go."

Chris stared at him, his eyes cool and steady. He nodded slightly and took a deep pull from the bottle.

Vin was leaving. Vin was leaving and Goddamnit why did that bother him so much.

"Suit yourself."

Vin turned to the door, relieved to find it had been left slightly ajar so he wouldn't have to relive the knob fiasco. He smoothly left.

It was snowing hard, the flakes bit into his skin as he slipped and slid his way on the slick driveway. Tiny bits of sleet and ice were mixed with the snow and he could hear them tinkling against the Jeep's windshield as he seated himself. He jammed his hands further into the pockets of his leather jacket and dimly wished he'd worn a heavier coat. And gloves, maybe. Gloves right now would've been a good thing.

He started the engine and gave a long look to the firmly closed back door, wishing it would open. With a sigh, he put the Jeep in gear and pulled away.

Inside, Chris felt the increase of the hammers in his head. Vin hadn't wanted him after all. He had been mistaken. He leaned his back against the wall and stared at his kitchen door, wishing it would open up one more time with Vin on the other side.

With a heave, he hoisted himself standing and headed for bed. Maybe it was best this way. Stress management lesson...never fall in love with long-haired Texans.

He stopped mid-stride. Love?

No, not love. Lust maybe...yeah.

But love?

Well...maybe.

THREE

Take your head around the world See what you get
From your mind
Write your soul down word for word.
See who's your friend
Who is kind
It's almost like a disease
I know soon you will be

Over the lies, and you'll be strong
You'll be rich in love and you will carry on
But no--Oh no
No you won't be mine

Take your straight line for a curve
Make it stretch, the same old line
Try to find if it was worth what you spent

Why you're guilty for the way you're feeling now
It's almost like being free
And I know soon you will be

Take yourself out to the curb
Sit and wait
A fool for life
It's almost like a disease
I know soon you will be

Over the lies, and you'll be strong
You'll be rich in love and you will carry on
But no--Oh no
No you won't be mine

You Won't Be Mine - Matchbox 20

Chris sat on the edge of his bed, a beer, a glass of water and two aspirin in hand, and he wondered at all that had transpired that evening. So much learned in just a few short hours. So much change in less than that.

He'd learned that he still had a side left to him he'd thought long buried. A side that held the capacity for longing and desire and want and...well, love.

Love. There was that word again.

Did he really love Vin?

In that, he was unsure. There was no question he was definitely attracted to the man. And he would have to admit, too, that finding he still had the capacity to possibly find love again was not all that unpleasant a rediscovery. There was just something about the way in which Vin, with sometimes no more than a slight glance, could fill his heart with warmth. He smiled softly as he thought of all the many instances when that had happened, and he'd just been too blind to truly see them.

Love.

Maybe.

It was a nice thought, anyway. But then, it was a frightening one as well. Yes, he did have feelings for Vin, that much was apparent. Just what he was supposed to do about those feelings, if anything, was not.

And Vin. What about him?

Well, who knew what the hell he was thinking.

Chris reflected back on Vin's sudden departure. Surely that had to be a sign of his disinterest and discomfort with the evening's strange developments. Though, damn if Vin didn't kiss back as hard -- no, harder -- than he'd been given... and Vin sure did know how to kiss. No room for doubt on that point.

Chris smiled at the memory of those twilight eyes staring so openly at him for those few tender seconds. Vin hadn't been too eager to leave at that precise moment...but then, he sure had later. Ran out the door, practically. Chris sighed as he reconfirmed that his earlier assumptions about Vin had to have been so very off the mark.

Vin really hadn't been interested. Curious, maybe...but not interested. In fact, considering the manner in which he'd hightailed it on out, he must've been damn near horrified.

And that left Chris...

Where? he wondered. He downed the pills and the water and stretched out on his back, fingers running lightly over the down duvet cover. The one with the dark green and burgundy plaid. The one Sarah had sewn.

Sarah.

He took a long pull from his beer. What would Sarah say if she knew what he was thinking about someone else...about loving someone else. He felt the familiar faint pangs of guilt. Guilt because he'd been thinking so longingly of someone else. Hell, guilt because he'd been with someone else, even if it had been only a kiss... and he felt guilty because he knew he'd wanted more than that.

Guilt because he was married. Had been married. Should still be married. Sarah was his wife.

No...Sarah had been his wife. She was gone now. Sarah was gone.

Sarah was gone and he knew it and he knew he needed to accept it and move forward, but damn if that wasn't the absolute most hardest fuckin' thing to do.

Until now. Until Vin.

He tipped back the bottle and let the cool beer slide down his throat. She would've liked Vin.

He shifted down and relaxed back into the pillows, drinking lightly from the beer. His headache was beginning to advance its hold, its pulsing beat behind his eyes making his thoughts blur as he realized how very tired he really was. With a slight groan, he turned and set the half-finished beer onto the nightstand then lay back down and listened to the soft tinkling sounds of the snow and ice hitting against the glass of his bedroom windows. His eyes fell shut as he began to drift.

Yeah, Sarah would've approved. He was sure.

Not that it mattered.

The last of the falling snow glistened as twin rays of light turned each tiny snowflake into sparkling glitter that danced within their beams as they drifted softly to the icy ground. Trees stood tall and sliver, their naked limbs encased by a hard shell of smooth ice. The ground lay blanketed in white as thick layers of ice and snow covered anything and everything. Above, the clouded sky finally began to break apart as the storm eased, allowing enough of the full moon's nightly glow to illuminate the frozen ground.

High up a steep incline, a silent road lay gleaming in its brilliance, the near invisible iced surface shining as brightly as a highly polished mirror. Along the road's small shoulder, the smooth, white surface was marred by the marks from a vehicle's tires. Tracks ran off the blacktop and down the embankment, each indentation of tread now just barely visible as they had been filled with the falling snow.

At the bottom of the slope, the outline of a vehicle could just be seen as the moon's beams bounced gently off its painted surface. One headlight pointed straight ahead while the other shined askew, its fading light barely a glow behind shattered glass.

Nothing stirred save the tiniest of flurries, which whirled and danced with the rise of each gusting wind as they were blown loose from the trees. The cold air swirled with an insistent whisper that blended with the faint, soft rhythmic whoosh of windshield wipers sliding across a cracked windshield. With one final pass, the rubber blades stopped their sweep and froze into place. The vehicle gave a low metallic whine and then a slow hiss, followed by nothing. No sound, no movement, just the quiet song of the wind and the faint tinkering of shards of ice falling from the overladen trees.

The headlights dimmed, their spread of light softening to a faint radiance against the white sheet of snow.

A sharp crack split the silence as a tree's thin branch fell to the ground, no longer able to hold its icy burden.

The breeze stilled for a brief moment and the flurries lessened their frenzied path, only to fly again as the wind gathered itself once more and hurried through the trees.

As if from nowhere, a tiny drop of bright red splattered onto the pristine white ground cover that surrounded the damaged vehicle... followed by another. and another, each warm circle fading to a soft pink as it melted into the hard shell of the frozen mix.

Chris sat upright and gasped. For a few anxious seconds, his mind reeled with the remains of the nightmare that had awakened him. He gathered his wits and peered into the dark, trying to read the faint green glow of his bedside clock.

Two a.m.

With a groan, he leaned back onto the pillows and sighed softly. He ran a shaky hand over his face and wondered what woke him. Surely he'd had enough to drink to not find himself awake in the middle of the night. But here he was.

His mind couldn't clearly focus on the subject of his dreams, but the state of his sheets was enough to assure him that he'd suffered at least a few hours of obviously restless sleep.

Although he'd had plenty of disturbed sleep for a full year and a half after Sarah and Adam had been killed, he thought that he had finally been relieved of the nightmares. It had been quite a long while since he'd been plagued by dreams so upsetting as to awaken him from a sound, half-drunken sleep.

Must've been pretty bad, he thought, and was then glad he couldn't remember.

The light of the moon shined into his window and he rose to look out over the grounds that surrounded his ranch. The snow softly gleamed with hints of blues and grays. The storm seemed to have stopped, although he could tell that a layer of ice had frozen over everything outside.

For a brief moment, a rush of panic hit him hard and his mind flashed quickly on Vin's face. He wondered if Vin had made it home all right and thought maybe he should have insisted he stay for the night. If only to avoid the inclement weather and dangerous, iced-over roads.

No, the way Vin had rushed away, there was no way he would've agreed to stay, storm or no storm.

Besides, Vin had the Jeep. Four-wheel drive and all. Driving through the snow would not have proved a problem.

Of course, driving over a sheet of ice might.

He turned to the phone and wondered if he ought to call, just to make sure Vin was home safely.

Right.

Vin would be irritated as hell to find someone calling him in the wee early hours of the night. No, better he wait until morning to disturb the man.

He picked up the cordless receiver and punched in Vin's cell number, anyway.

What the hell, he thought. Live dangerously.

coldcoldcoldcoldcold...

It was in his bones. In his veins. In his mind. Cold. His brain was rapidly becoming as numb as his body as he slipped and slid and waded over and through the thick, frigid ground-cover. His fingers and toes were blocks of ice, their nerve endings having passed the point of numbness and pain, turning now into near deadened stumps as he slowly and painstakingly inched his way down the frozen road.

He'd been walking for so, so long...one step followed by another...and another. And another. A slip and a fall, then upright again...another fall...spitting blood...another step...a pounding head...another step...taste of metal in his mouth...another step. Then another. and another.

His mind was in a blind freeze, his concentration centered solely on completing his journey. It wasn't much farther. It couldn't be much farther. Please let it be not much farther.

Just one more step and he would be at the top of the hill. Another step and he'd be down. Another, and he might see the place. Another, and he'd be there and then warm...and dry...and...

His stride lengthened as he neared, and then he slid and fell hard and his body skidded across the smooth ice rink that was the driveway. His brain screamed for him to remain still...and he let his eyes close as his cheek came to rest on the sheet of ice. Again, he could taste that metallic taste and it reminded him of something, but just what that was he couldn't quite place. He began to rise, made it all the way to one knee before again falling prone. He should rest. He would rest, if only for a moment, and only because he was just so tired...and then he'd get up and resume his...his...he'd get up and...

He couldn't think. His head ached, his body felt dead and he was so overly tired....and suddenly it didn't matter what he couldn't remember. Nothing mattered but the fact that he was now lying down. Yes, he was lying flat...and that had to mean he could now rest...and sleep...and maybe that was all he needed to know, anyway. He was lying down so could finally fall asleep in this nice, warm, dry bed...had to be a bed...and thank God he finally made it because he was just so incredibly overtired and his head hurt and he couldn't possibly move one more...foot...and that made him laugh, though he wasn't sure why...he was just so mind-numbingly tired...

His world tilted jarringly uneven as he was wrenched quickly to his feet and a faint sting hit the near-frozen skin of his cheek.

He thought he heard a voice but in the next instant it was gone. His mind started its slide to blissful numbness once more, and he felt his knees begin to buckle and his weary body more than willingly start to follow. Then, something hard and unyielding jabbed him under both arms and with it came the renewed sting on his cheeks. That sharp pain caused a crack in the ice that held his mind, and for a split-second he saw and heard and recognized the force that pulled at him.

"Fuck-off, Lar'bee," his tongue slurred as it tumbled over the words. "Lemme 'lone...sleepin'." His body sagged against the one that held it, and he let his eyes slide shut as he tried to return to the warmth of unconsciousness.

Chris swallowed against the panic building in his throat and struck Vin as hard as he dared in order to rouse him. His action was rewarded by the pair of slitted eyes half-turned his way. He hoisted up the semiconscious man and propelled him toward the house and warmth it offered.

Thank God he'd awakened in the middle of the night.

Thank God he'd tried to call Vin and heard the ringing of the man's forgotten cell phone down in his own kitchen.

Thank God he'd decided, at that precise moment, and for whatever reason, to set down the phone and glance out the kitchen's window and wonder at the large, dark lump that lay heaped at the end of his frozen driveway.

Thank God he'd found Vin when he did.

FOUR

Chris ushered Vin into the kitchen, the younger man's weight dragging both of them down as they stumbled through the door. Each man was breathing heavily by the time Chris lowered Vin into a chair at the table.

He closed the door and paused with his back to it as he caught his breath. He turned back to Vin and knelt before him to get a good look. With a trembling hand, he pulled back the frozen hair that hung in front of his face.

Blood oozed from a cut over Vin's eye, having already left a dried path that wound down to his chin. A large lump had formed and was quickly turning purple. His bottom lip had split open and was caked with dried blood. Chris ran a finger over the cut, wincing himself at the swollen skin. He lightly felt around the bruised flesh when Vin's head jerked away from his touch. He quickly found two blue eyes squinting dazedly back at him.

"Jesus, Vin," he whispered as his gaze traced over the bloody trail. "What happened?"

Vin's eyes shifted to the left, then right, the only movement he made. He then turned them back to Chris. "Turn heat on," he mumbled. His head dropped forward again as if his neck could no longer hold it up.

"It is on," Chris answered as he noted the man shivering. "Vin. Look at me. You're at my place. Do you--Vin." He cupped his hand over a cold cheek and tried to impart some warmth as he searched for a spark of cognizance.

Vin slowly lifted his head and Chris gently placed both hands now around the frozen face. He was trying hard not to panic at Vin's somewhat sluggish movements and peered with concern into his eyes.

"Look at me. Do you know where you are? Can you tell me where else you're hurt?"

Vin stared at him for a moment and blinked. It was almost as if he was trying to place the voice and Chris's heart leaped to his throat as he still received no response.

"I'm calling an ambulance," Chris said aloud for his own reassurance, and reached for the phone but stopped mid-dial as Vin's voice finally sounded.

"No. Wait...Chris...'m okay...okay...just, just gimme a minute--"

Chris turned back to him, relief evident in his voice as he repeated himself. "Look at me, Vin. Do you know where you are?'

Blue eyes turned to his, their depths seeming to gain a measure of clarity as awareness slowly returned. "Yeah," Vin sighed heavily, tiredly. "I'm in your kitchen at the ranch..." He looked down at his hands and began to work the stiff, frozen fingers. "Again." He fisted both hands and stifled a moan as the cold muscles rebelled the movement. "Damn that hurts," he mumbled softly then turned his attention back to Chris. "I'm really okay. Just tired and cold. Damn cold. Be nice you turn the heat on."

"Heat is on...Jesus, Vin, you don't look okay. You're bleeding, you have a lump on your head the size of Mt. Everest and God knows what else wrong. Can you tell me what happened?"

Vin thought for a moment then, with teeth chattering loudly, he slowly eased frozen arms forward to rest on the table. Lord, his head hurt. "You an' me had a...a dis'greement."

"What? What're you talking about?"

Vin stared at his hands. They looked like frozen chicken feet. He knew what Chris wanted, but couldn't get past how hurt and anger he still felt. "Whaddaya mean, what? You were there."

Chris fell silent for a moment as he absorbed the harsh words. He could hear the ire in Vin's voice and knew he'd helped put it there. But he also knew he needed the assurance that Vin was okay now. He spoke slowly, his voice soft. "That is not what I meant."

Vin smiled sardonically. He knew that. He exhaled. "Wrecked the Jeep."

"Well, that I figured. What did you--did you walk all the way back here?"

Vin set tired eyes upon him. He pushed a chair with his boot and tiredly oustretched his leg on it. "Couldn't 'xactly get a cab." The words sounded strange in his ears and felt even stranger to form. His tongue felt numb. His chin felt frozen. He wasn't sure he'd ever feel his fingers again.

Chris smiled at the words heavily laced with sarcasm. Now that sounded like Vin.

Vin clenched his jaw to stop his teeth from chattering and spoke against the pounding of his head. "Drove on outta here, no problem. Kinda icy but seemed fine 'til I hit that first sharp curve 'bout mile down from here. Jeep hit ice and I couldn't turn her. Next thing, I'm wakin' up hangin' halfway out the door, drippin' blood from m' head int' the snow." He rubbed at his neck and slowly rotated his shoulder. "Damn seatbelt cut inta m' shoulder somethin' awful. Held me in, though, guess that ain't such a bad thing." He fingered the bump on his forehead. "Think I hit the door 'fore it popped open when it hit the tree. Pretty sure I was out for a few minutes, too..."

He sat for a moment, pressing his hands against his bruised shoulder and aching side and tried not to think too hard on where he was and who he was with...again. "Would'a called...but I couldn't find m' phone."

Chris nodded as he felt his own breathing coming easier. Vin sounded more himself. "You left your phone here. Listen, I think it's best we get you to the hospital just to make sure you're--"

"No, Chris. It's okay...I'm okay. Really. Just tired an' cold 's 'all. Y' got--y' got the heat on?"

"It's on, Vin, and I really think you ought to see a doctor. You hurting anywhere else? "

Vin tried to figure out what part of him didn't hurt. As cold as his body was, he really couldn't tell. "Dunno...think 'm too frozen to tell what's what. Can't get warm. Are y' sure the--"

"Yes, the heat is on. Come with me." Chris stared into the blue eyes and felt his heart slow its frantic pace. Vin was okay. Bloody and sore, but fine. He pulled him to stand, his own body wanting to give support to the shivering man. "A long, hot shower will warm you up."

Vin smiled through the rattling of his teeth. "Long shower ... Hey, how long we talkin'? Just how big a hot water heater you got?"

"I've got more than enough to get you warmed up."

Vin smiled through sore lips. "We are talkin' 'bout water here, right?" He tilted his head away from Chris as he instantly regretted the words that just tumbled freely from his mouth. He grimaced thinking his brain must be as numb as his body...too bad his mouth wasn't frozen shut.

Chris's eyes shot to Vin's at the remark and he let loose a small burst of laughter.

Vin didn't know what to make of that.

Chris helped Vin down the hall and into the master bedroom's bathroom.

"Shower in here, it's nicer than the one in the guestroom. I'll get you some clean towels and dry clothes."

Vin leaned against the wall and with as little movement as was necessary, shrugged out of his coat and let it fall heavily to the floor. His body was numb. He couldn't remember ever having felt this exhausted or this bone-chilling cold.

Although, finding himself right back at Chris's made him somewhat glad for the overall numbness.

His skin began to burn and itch in places as he started to thaw. His ears stung hotly, his nose was starting to drip and he couldn't seem to stop from shivering. He looked down at his claw shaped frozen hands and flexed them, almost surprised they didn't just snap in two like an icesicle.

He decided that the removal of his coat was as much effort as he could expend for the moment and tiredly sat down on the toilet to rest. He was too physically worn to do anything else.

Chris came back in with an armload of towels and dropped them onto the marble counter. For a second, he watched Vin as he rested with his eyes closed, then reached past him and turned on the water for the shower.

Vin lifted his head as he felt movement -- Chris -- by his head. He heard the running water and lifted heavy eyelids upward. Chris was standing over him.

Right over him.

His eyes were level with Chris's zipper.

Oh yeah, numb was good.

"You need help..."

Vin nodded slightly at the statement and let Chris help him pull off his boots and socks. His feet were flaming red and felt like blocks of ice.

Without trying to think, he stood shakily to allow the other man to help him with his clothing. His own fingers fumbled unsuccessfully with the buttons on his shirt until others brushed them away.

"Here," Chris said as he reached for the buttons, "let me."

Chris quickly unbuttoned Vin's shirt and eased it from his arms. Then, he helped peel away the long sleeved t-shirt underneath. When Vin showed no progress in the unbuttoning of his jeans, Chris made short work of those as well, until the young man was stripped down to nothing more than his boxers.

Chris's fingers reached for the elastic waist when cold hands set upon his. His eyes met Vin's.

"Chris--" Vin started, his voice choking in his throat. God, he wasn't that numb.

Chris eased the shorts off quickly. "Just get in the shower."

Vin leaned into the water that rained down from the large showerhead and relaxed. He could think of nothing else in his whole life that had ever felt as good as standing under that warm spray did right at that moment. With more of a groan than the sigh he'd intended, he leaned his aching body against the shiny, white tile, closed his eyes and let the hot water travel his skin.

Chris stood outside the shower door and looked at the hazy pale flesh that showed distortedly through the translucent beveled glass. Vin wasn't moving at all, seemingly rooted to the spot directly underneath the water's spray.

He closed his eyes briefly, then bent over to collect the discarded, damp clothing and headed for the laundry room down the hall. Dumping the clothing into a basket, he eyed the dried blood covering the collar on the faded denim shirt. In a flash, his mind showed him a picture of Vin's battered Jeep and he rocked back on his heels as it was quickly followed by the very clear image of Vin's lifeless, bloody body.

For a second, he felt as if he were standing right there. Vin's body lay at his feet, sprawled bonelessly atop the cold ground. Bright red blood seeped into the white snow. Blue, vacant eyes were wide open and staring at nothing...

Christ.

He shivered hard and forced himself to erase the image. With a clenched jaw he threw the shirt into the washing machine, quickly followed by the remainder of Vin's clothing. His eyes came to focus on the dark red that spotted the white fabric of the long-sleeved henley tee sitting on top of all the clothing in the washer. He picked it up and stared at it for a long moment feeling suddenly light-headed and cold. Dismissing the grisly vision, he started the wash, made himself stop and check the thermostat in the den, then headed back down the hall, the ruined shirt all the while still clutched tightly in his fist.

Vin felt miserable. He hadn't been lying to Chris earlier when he'd said he was fine, he had felt fine then...because he had been too frozen to feel any different.

Then, he must've been too much of a popsicle to feel anything. Now, he was thawing slowly and small aches and pains were making themselves known. In fact, some of them couldn't even be called small at all. Pain gripped him hard now in his shoulder, side and back. Especially his back. It ached from time to time even on a good day, but now he could feel his body turning into one big curve as his muscles pulled up tight on his entire side.

He turned to face the showerhead and bent his head down, letting it's warm spray massage the back of his neck and shoulders as he placed both hands palm first against the tiled wall. He tried to relax his lower body, but finding a comfortable postion was becoming impossible.

His legs ached.

His hands and feet itched.

His back spasmed.

His shoulder hurt.

And his head throbbed.

With a heavy sigh, he tried to shut out the pain and discomfort, and so he let his mind drift.

Which it did...

It was as if all day he'd somehow been stuck in some Twilight Zone epsiode...all roads leading back to the same place he'd been trying unsuccessfully to get away from. And the one person, too, he'd be better off avoiding. He shook his head and tried to think of nothing...

Chris.

Chris's ranch.

Chris's bathroom.

Chris's shower.

Chris's hands undressing him...touching him.

Naked...

Shit, he thought. So much for thinking of nothing. Better to concentrate on the aches and pains.

Too late. He looked down as he felt the stirrings in his groin, then leaned his forehead against the hard tile.

Looked like not everything was numb.

He cursed himself for his feelings. Why had he driven Chris home tonight? Why had he allowed his feelings to come to the surface? Okay, so maybe Chris did want him for a night. Maybe he could be happy, even if it meant it was only the one time. What did he have to lose, really? He'd get Chris all to himself for one whole night...Chris would get to satisfy his obvious curiosity about men and then they both could go on their merry way. Or Mary way, in Chris's case.

He lightly banged his head on the white ceramic tile. This wasn't going to work. It could never work. He couldn't stand here, in Chris's shower, and tell himself that one night wouldn't hurt. It would hurt. It already hurt.

He needed to go home. God, he needed to go home.

Chris walked silently into the steam-filled bathroom and stopped. He knew he shouldn't be here, knew he should leave. Or at the very least, make himself known.

Instead, he watched with increasing awareness the slight movements of the naked body behind the steam covered shower doors. Vin seemed to be leaning against the wall...with no signs of ever leaving the warm water.

Chris looked to the cotton shirt he held and brought it to his face. He inhaled deeply and his senses filled with the scent of the young man now standing completely nude not five feet from him.

Stress managment lesson...know your own stress inducers.

He ought to leave. He ought to walk out the door and go someplace else. He ought to cough or clear his throat or say Vin, I'm standing out here, so... He ought to do... something...

Without another thought, he stripped down and opened the doors to climb into the steamy shower.

So much for lessening the stress quotient.

Vin turned his head slightly over his shoulder as he felt the cold blast of air sweep over his body. His heart found a home in his throat.

"Chris?"

Hands gently alit his hips. He jumped at the touch, but didn't turn around.

"Uh--"

"Shh," Chris said, "We need to talk."

"Talk," Vin whispered as he looked down at his toes.

"Yeah."

"Here?"

"You warmin' up?'

"Some..." came the answer, edged with obvious uncertainty.

"Then here's as good a place as any," Chris stated firmly. "Vin...sometimes I'm not much for words--"

"Y'ain't kiddin--"

"When I saw you laying on my drive--" he stopped speaking, then started again. "You crashing your Jeep--"

"It ain't totalled, Chris. Think I put out a headlight, banged up the front, is all."

"Vin. It's not the Jeep. I think you need to know that earlier tonight -- when you left--"

"Feels like months ago--" Vin said then told himself to shut up.

"Will you shut up and listen? Christ, you say nothing when I need you to, and can't shut up when I don't. Just give me your attention--"

"Oh, you have that," Vin assured him and closed his eyes. What the hell was happening here? Was this for real? "Ain't ever'day I get comp'ny in the shower."

Vin turned and the hands on his hips traced over the wet skin there as he swiveled front. His face was inches from Chris's. He could see the tiny drops of water running down Chris's cheeks from the shower spray hitting his hair.

"Chris? Are you in here with me...because..." He leaned forward and licked his tongue across the wet lips. Nope, no numbness there, either.

"Taking a bold chance there, Tanner."

Vin looked into the bright green eyes and hoped for the best. "Ain't that bold a chance. Had a good idea y' might like it. After all, y' are standin' in here with me...naked..." Okay, so maybe one night with Chris would be enough, if that was all it was destined to be. He could keep it close, like a tiny treasure.

Chris looked down at the water running into the drain and let his mouth curve up with a grin. He looked back at Vin, taking in the swollen lump above the eye and the blood that still stained the skin around it. Grabbing a fresh washcloth, he reached for Vin's head and gently pressed the warm terry onto the cut.

"You sure you're okay?"

Vin sighed as the hands found his face, brushing softly over his skin. "Never better," he said and sighed again, pressing his head into those hands. For a moment they stood, Chris cleaning away the dried blood and Vin letting him, his eyes closed against the gentle ministrations as he leaned forward. Chris's hands dropped and Vin sighed again, this time opening his eyes.

Chris was looking at him, appraising him.

"You look crooked," he said, his eyes roving over the naked body.

"'s 'cause I am," Vin nodded slowly. "Strained m' back...no more 'n usual, though, I don't think. I'll be okay."

"You sure."

"Yep," Vin nodded again, never taking his eyes from the green ones assessing him. "M' head kinda bled like a stuck pig there for awhile. It's feelin' better now, though.

"There's blood in your hair." Chris reached out and ran a finger through the wet strands.

"Ain't washed. Was all I could do just t' stand here. Ain't been no soap involved..."

"Yet," Chris added and reached for the small bottle of shampoo tucked into the metal rack in the corner. He poured a quarter sized amount in the palm of his hand and looked to Vin. "You are going to let me do this, right?"

Vin smiled. "Wash away." He bent his head slightly so as to give Chris better access to his hair and closed his eyes again against the soap that ran freely down his face. Strong fingers massaged his head, slowly winding into his hair as they worked the lather.

He'd never had anyone wash his hair before. Never had anyone want to.

"Rinse."

Vin stood under the spray and let the warm water wash away the soap. The cut above his eye stung and the area around it still throbbed and he winced from the pain.

A voice spoke next to his ear and once again, Chris's hands wrapped themselves around his hips.

"You ready to get out?" Chris asked.

Vin kept his eyes shut as he answered, not at all sure how he felt about ending the shower and having to face whatever was coming next. It figured that when he finally decided that maybe one night with this man would be enough, his body would be so sore he could hardly move.

"Chris. What happens when--when we--"

Lips softly brushed over his and he let them as they came back stronger, harder, this time gently forcing his own apart. They kissed while the water from the shower ran rivers down their faces.

Chris pulled back and looked at Vin, steeling himself for words he knew had to be said. He hoped to God they came out the way he wanted. He took a deep breath.

"Vin. Listen. I was married...had a son--"

Oh God, Vin thought. OhGodohGodohGod. A feeling of dread crept into his gut. He knew, just knew he was about to hear the now remember, this is just for a little wet fun, just for the one night because, see, I'm a marrying kind of guy and you ain't exactly a woman speech.

He'd been wrong -- so wrong. He knew he wouldn't be able to stand hearing the words, knew he wouldn't be able to live with only one night with Chris. No, a one time fuck was not going to work.

His anger flared. "Shit, Chris. Here I am standin' naked in your fuckin' shower an' you pick now t' explain this just ain't really your kinda thing. Well, you asshole...I ain't into bein' the cat that kills your curiosity. In case y' hadn't noticed, you climbed in here with me--"

"Vin," Chris said, hastily cutting off the harsh words. He placed his hands on Vin's shouders in an effort to quell the obvious anger that had filled the small space. "I don't know what you're thinking I'm thinking...but whatever it is, it ain't what's what. I'm not repeating this...so why don't you just stand there and shut up and let me speak."

Vin crossed his arms and leaned back some. "G' head."

"Since Sarah and -- since they died -- I pretty much resigned myself that I'd never have that -- happiness -- again. Didn't want it again. Hell, I never wanted to love again -- ever..."

Vin looked away, his eyes glued to the water that swirled down the drain.

"But that was before," Chris continued as he watched Vin. "Now, I've been...I've been living a lie the past few months. Denying everything I've wanted, because I was scared. Scared of myself. Scared of you. God, especially scared of you. And not for the reasons you're thinking, either.

"I was scared because I thought if I allowed myself to feel something for you, then it meant I might have to admit to loving you. And I wasn't sure I could...

"Then tonight, when you walked out and left me, and I just let you go...it was because I was afraid I really couldn't give love again. I was sure I didn't know how.

"And then...when I found you out there curled up on my driveway...I was so afraid I'd already lost you. Like I'd lost them. And that's when I knew for certain that I couldn't stand the thought of not having you by my side.

"See, the one person in this world that I want to be with me forever is standing right here, right now. Wet and naked and bloody and crooked. And...and I have never wanted to give my love to anyone more in my life."

Vin slowly looked up as he spoke. Oh God. "You mind repeatin' all that? I wasn't really payin' attention."

Chris paled visibly... and Vin grinned.

"Tanner, you are such a shithead."

Vin nodded. "Yep. But I'm your lovin' shithead, ain't I?"

"Hell, no."

"What? Oh hell, yes I am. Y' just said so. Y' have t' keep me, now."

Chris flung water at him. "Why do I do this to myself?"

"'Cause y' love me, last I heard."

"Thought you weren't listening."

"Well, some."

"Which some?"

"The part you said y' love me."

"Yeah, well what do I know?"

"Oh lots. See, the way I figure it, you must know somethin' about somethin', else they wouldn't be payin' ya the big bucks."

"So you just want me for my money, is that it?"

"Hell, Larabee. If all I wanted was money, I'd hook up with Ezra. Nah...I just want you for your looks. Y' know...somethin' t' look on now and then. Like a...a trophy stud. Only older."

"How the hell did I get saddled with such a crooked, bruised and downright ornery smart-ass?"

"Hey! A minute ago you was sayin' them qualities was somethin' y' loved."

"Yeah? Well I should've looked harder. You're damaged goods."

"Y' didn't think so when y' kissed me."

"You kissed me."

"Shit, Larabee. You are gettin' old...losin' brain cells sure as I'm standin' here, buck nekkid."

"Buck?"

"Buck? What, you invited him t' this little shower party, too?"

"Vin. You warmed up yet?"

"Hell no, I've only just begun."

"I knew I was afraid of this."

"Why? You worryin' on what your hot water bill's gonna be?"

Chris shut off the water. "Well, there is that."

Both men stepped from the shower and reached for the thick towels. Chris quickly wrapped one around his own waist then began to help Vin dry off, noting how stiffly the young man was moving. He helped guide him to the bed and eased him down.

Vin was groaning as each little move seemed to burn his muscles. He ached all over. Life was going to be one massive bruise come morning and he knew Chris was going to make him head to the doctor's first thing. Which by the early light already filtering into the window, looked to be in about an hour or so.

He watched Chris pick up the towels and pad around the room putting things in order. Lord, how did so much happen in one night? He lay back on the bed and his body seemed to melt away from him. He was so tired. His mind swirled with images and words and he tried hard to catch and still some of them to try and make sense of just what all had happened. Was happening.

What he knew for sure, was he was as happy as he'd felt in...well, in forever. Lying in Chris's bed...in Chris's room...at Chris's ranch. The one place he knew he'd now never want to leave. Funny how things could change in a heartbeat.

He felt the covers being pulled over him and a soft kiss brushed his lips as he heard Chris say something about finding something for him to take for the pain and being right back... and then there was nothing but warmth. He drifted to sleep with a smile on his bruised face and dreamed of loving hands washing his hair.

Chris returned to the bedroom, two geltabs and a glass of water in his hand which he set on the night table as he saw Vin was asleep.

"Vin," he whispered, calling out softly enough to not really wake the man.

He stared for a minute at the relaxed features, sure for the first time tonight that he'd done and said finally what he'd been harboring away for so long.

He dropped the towel around his own waist and climbed underneath the covers. Naked. Buck naked. With a laugh, he slid further across the bed. As he held a breath, he gently eased himself over closer to the sleeping body and nestled as snug to the man's back as he dared without chance of jostling Vin.

After a slight hesitation, he eased his arm across Vin's waist and let it settle heavily onto his body. He smiled as he felt a comforting sense of familiarity. He hadn't had anyone to spoon into in such a long time...and although Vin formed differently to him than had Sarah, it still felt like a perfect match. He tucked his head near the back of Vin's, feeling the damp hair tickle his face and he breathed deeply and let Vin's scent wash over him.

With some surprise, he realized Vin had responded in his sleep by pushing back against him, until they now were fully pressed together, limbs entwined.

Chris's eyes drooped and a bone weariness stole over him and he smiled again knowing this was the best stress reducer ever made.

He had maybe taken the long way around to voice his own wants on this night, and it certainly hadn't been the easiest road traveled -- especially for Vin -- but he knew with all certainty that what he had learned had been invaluable.

He was capable of finding love again... and he had...it was right next to him.

Snoring.

THE END