Alone by Tonny

Chapter 1

"Oh Chris, look at them!" JD spread his arms wide and tried to see how far he could encircle one of the giant trees that grew at the foot of Bear Pass. It was a secluded place, with a lightly meandering, murmuring creek running through it and he and Chris had decided to stop here and give the horses a rest. JD was totally taken in by the giant trees that grew to one side of the small creek.

Chris sighed and looked at the youngest member of the peacekeepers of Four Corners. He was glad that JD was his own exuberant self again. The kid had gone through hell after he had accidentally killed a young woman while stopping some bank robbers. On the other hand it did leave him with a headache. He never met anyone before who could chatter as much as JD!

Except for his son Adam, but that had been different...

He looked at the giant trees himself. Every time he saw them, he was impressed as well, he had to admit. He had thought of this place after he and JD had delivered some papers for Judge Travis to the sheriff in Glasstown. He had felt the need to stand in the presence of something breath-taking, something awesome, something that would take his mind off human troubles for a moment, so he had suggested the little detour. JD had been enthusiastic. He'd been enthusiastic the whole trip, right from the beginning when Chris had told him he wouldn't mind coming with him.

Buck had been up and ready to go with the kid, but the look in JD's eyes when he'd offered to go told him he'd done the right thing. Everybody had agreed it would be good for JD to deliver the papers and be out of town after all that had happened. The death of Annie, not much older than JD and recently married, had hit the young, well meaning sheriff hard. To top it all off, the townspeople had been very judgemental, which hadn't made things any easier. Saving the stage coach and everyone in it a few days later did help JD to get some of his self confidence back and the good opinion of the townspeople, but the pain of what had happened was still there. A bit of distraction seemed like just the thing.

After everything that had happened, Chris really needed to be out of town for a while as well. So he had offered to go with JD. JD had been jubilant while Buck had looked a bit chagrined. Chris didn't care. He knew Buck had found him too indifferent to what the young man had been going through, but what the hell should he have done about it? Buck and Josiah had talked with the kid, something they were a lot better at than him any day. Buck had wanted him to defend JD against Hiram, Annie's husband, when the man was telling everybody that JD was a danger and should be forbidden to wear his guns. It was just that he understood the feelings of the man after losing his young wife. God, he understood those feelings and that pain all too well. He hadn't had it in him to go against the man for letting some of those emotions out, didn't matter how mad that made Buck. Chris rubbed the bridge of his nose. Yep, he had definitely needed to get out of town.

JD had been excited that he'd wanted to come with him. It had made him uncomfortable and reminded him of the way JD looked up to him. That had almost made him change his mind. He didn't want that hero worship, didn't want it at all. Last thing he wanted was to be some God damn hero, some fucking legend, no matter what that idiot Jock Steele put in his dime novels. He still felt a white hot anger come up every time he saw the book, thought about it, or heard it being mentioned. The little man had taken something from him that was very private and painful and had made it into a cheap story. He'd almost gotten on the first train east to go and shoot the little bastard. Vin had stopped him though. Helped him get past that first blinding, red hot rage.

Vin. He'd had more peace and quiet if he'd stayed in town with Vin! Warily he looked at JD again, the kid babbling on and on about trees he'd seen in the east, standing there gawking, looking up and up and up at the giants. He was a good kid though and Chris was glad he'd stayed. It wouldn't have been the same in Four Corners without his keen, lively presence and his many attempts to help everyone. The kid had a way of reminding him occasionally of what was important in life. He needed that reminder from time to time. Like right now he needed a reminder that there was more to life then all the mess humans made.

Chris looked up as well. Even JD's constant chatter couldn't really diminish the overwhelming sense of age the trees had. Age and beauty. The beauty of forests filled with wonders that held the real world at bay for a precious moment, bringing almost a sense of peace and accepting with them. Almost...

The giant crowns towering over him and the kid were swaying a bit in the wind, the leaves shining where the sun hit them, dark and mysterious where it didn't. These trees were older than anything he knew. It was downright daunting just thinking about everything that had happened and changed in the world while these grew and grew until they had become the monuments of time they now were.

Then he heard it, a loud cracking noise, followed by a screeching. Right in front of him one of the giants was slowly starting to topple and JD... Chris was acting before the thought had finished, running like mad.

"JD! Get away! JD!"

JD turned around, his eyes growing wide when he saw Chris barrelling down on him in lightning speed, waving at him to move.

"Chris, what...?"

It all happened so fast. Chris bore into him, took him up and threw him. That was the moment he heard it, an enormous racket like wood snapping and timber splitting. He saw Chris desperately trying to roll away while above him the whole forest seemed to come down towards the spot he had been standing rooted mere seconds before, like some stupid kid. The spot Chris was still so close to, no way in hell even he could get away in time! Then he couldn't see anything anymore but branches and leaves and... and...

The ground heaved under the heavy crash.

Chris screamed!

It broke through JD's stupor. The young man picked himself up from where he had been thrown and dashed towards the tree, past the crown and to where the trunk was lying. Oh my God, right across Chris' legs. Oh God, oh God, oh God, now what did he do? What could he do? The damn tree was so God awful God damn BIG! Even laying down it was way higher than his head!

"Ch... Chris?"

To his immense relief Chris opened his eyes.

"JD? You alright?"

"Yeah, yeah I am. Chris, you saved my life! That tree, it would've squashed me! I'm so sorry..."

"Sorry, for what? You made that tree topple over?" Suddenly Chris' face turned white as a sheet. "FUCK, that hurts!"

"Oh Chris! Your legs! They must've.... They must've..." He couldn't help it, sobs started to escape thinking about what such a heavy tree would have done to Chris' legs. They must've been smashed, destroyed forever. He just couldn't look at it properly, he couldn't! He didn't want to see it.

Chris saw the stricken look in the hazel brown eyes and got scared himself. He worked himself up on his elbows, looking down at his body towards the tree and his legs. Goddamn, that had been close! If that tree had fallen down on his legs nothing could have saved them, ever. Luckily he was caught under a side branch. The fucking thing was as big as a tree in its own right, but not THAT big. Relieved he laid down again.

"'S all right, JD. Ain't the trunk on my legs."

"It ain't?"

"Nope, got stuck under a side branch."

Stuck. Suddenly reality hit Chris. He was really, totally stuck. One look at that tree told him he wasn't going anywhere. JD on the other hand looked at that side branch as if it was an angel.

"Oh Chris, thank God you didn't get caught under that trunk! Oh... oh! Chris, I've gotta get that tree off of you!"

"That would be nice. Don't think it's gonna happen though. That's an awful big tree."

"I can do it, Chris, I can do it! With the horses! A rope! I eh... I need a rope..."

"In my saddlebag. SHIT!"

"Chris? Please, please hold on! I'll get you out, just you wait and see. Just you wait..."

JD tore off at a breakneck pace towards the horses. Both animals were snorting and still hadn't decided if staying was such a wise thing after the toppling of the tree. They were clearly spooked and it took JD quite some time to calm them. He took the rope from Chris' saddlebags and led Pony and Milagro towards the tree.

"I'm gonna tie the rope around the tree now, Chris, and than the horses will drag it away."

Chris just closed his eyes. He didn't have it in his heart to tell JD it wouldn't work. Not only was the tree immense, the many branches it had were stuck everywhere. He knew JD needed to try. He needed to try every possibility before he could be persuaded to do the one thing that could be done: leave. Leave and get help. He wasn't going to die here slowly and in agony under JD's nose. The kid had lived through something like that once already, with his mom. No way in Hell was he gonna put the kid through the same kind of misery.

JD would have to come to terms with the fact that he would have to leave him. It was the only way.

JD tried and tried, and tried again. He put the rope around a huge portion of the tree and made the horses pull. First one, then both of them, but the tree wouldn't budge, not even an inch. He tried again with the rope around another part. He walked around the tree, looking for the problem and saw the many branches the thing had, all those branches stuck every way you could think of. In the ground, behind boulders, behind the other trees, name it and those branches had worked themselves in, under, between and around it. He made an effort to pry them loose, but they were too big. Like the one pinning Chris most of them were as big as trees themselves.

At one point he also attempted to heft the side branch up, but a lot of trees he'd seen were smaller than that branch and as he had expected, he couldn't move it. He went at it using a big branch as a lever, but it was more because he wanted to have tried everything he could think of than that he really thought he would get anywhere. Which he didn't.

Frustrated, he searched for a rope in his own saddlebags, remembering that he had had one once. He found it beneath his spare set of clothing. So the next thing he tried was roping Pony at one end of the tree and Milagro at the other.

For a moment, he thought that did the trick. He saw some movement and was ready to cheer and whoop, but all that the huge, enormous piece of wood did was shudder. Then his old rope broke.

By now JD had started to thoroughly hate and despise the fallen giant. He kicked it and cursed at it. If he didn't, he would start to cry like a baby. He wouldn't cry or sob again, he just wouldn't. After all, he wasn't a kid anymore.

In defeat he slumped back towards the gunslinger, after hurriedly having wiped his tears away. Chris was lying with one arm over his eyes. Throughout all of JD's efforts he'd been quiet, saying nothing, hardly moving. JD had resented him for that, but now he knew the truth. Chris had seen immediately that no way he could get him free.

"Ya could'a told me it wasn't gonna work," he said reproachfully. Chris took his arm away and looked at the young man.

"You wouldn't have believed me, JD. B'sides, ya had to try. Had to know y'd done everything possible."

"Whadda ya mean? Why? What ya saying?"

"JD, there's only one thing that can be done. Ya gotta get help."

"L...leave you here? Chris, I can't do that! It's at least a day to Four Corners and then another day back! There's no place closer! You'd be here all night, and tomorrow and probably another night. I can't leave y' alone!"

"Guess I'm gonna die then."

"No! No! I'll take care of ya. I can hunt, there's water here. Sooner or later they notice we're gone too long and come looking fer us!"

"JD, this ain't the direct route to Glasstown. It'll take them a few days more before they get worried enough to come looking. And then they won't know where we are, where to look. It'll take 'm too long." He didn't voice it, but this time the kid did hear the unsaid words he missed most of the time. I don't have that long. He couldn't accept what Chris asked of him though.

"Ya can't stay here like this. I can't leave ya like this!"

"JD! Look at me! Look at me."

Desperate brown eyes found steely green ones. Chris' glare softened when he saw how torn the young man was over this.

"I'll be alright JD. You've gotta put my rifle and bullets close by, a canteen of water, blanket would be nice too. Nights are getting chilly. And I'd like to have something under my head. I hate laying this flat on my back."

"Chris, I'm sorry! I'm sorry. I was so busy finding a way to get the tree off I didn't even think that you might need something! I d...didn't." The kid's voice broke.

"It's all right, JD. If I'd needed something I'd hollered. Now, the sooner ya go, the sooner ya can come back, right?"

"If only I'd paid attention, I should a seen it, or heard, or..."

"Shit, JD! You did nothing wrong. Now, get things ready to go. Take Pony as well, you can make better time with two horses."

"Chris, I can't!"

"Yes, you can. JD, you can, you have to. It's the only...way. Now, get me my bedroll and other stuff. I'd like to be as comfortable as possible. Gonna be here for some time."

"But...you'll be all alone!"

"Nothing new 'bout that, JD. I've been alone ever since my family died. So don't you worry 'bout that. Now, you've got work to do and do it fast. That way you have a good portion of the day left to travel by. Don't wanna be here longer than necessary."

"I could stay tonight, hunt some food, leave tomorrow at first light?"

"Food? No way, don't leave me food! Trust me, I don't need it. I'm trying not to puke as it is. JD, I think I'm bleeding. The longer you wait, the less chance for me to survive. You understand? JD?"

It was a cheap shot, but it finally got JD moving. With a part of his bedroll as far under his body as they could get it and the rest rolled up so his head was propped up and he wasn't lying totally flat, his blanket and JD's spare close at hand to use when he got cold, the canteen filled with water, the book he was currently reading and gun, rifle and bullets near at hand, Chris was ready. All that now was needed were the right parting words. Words that the young man could take with him and that would give him the feeling he was doing the right thing, instead of leaving a comrade.

"Thanks, JD. Don't like putting you in danger by sending y'out there on your own, not at all, but it's the only way to save my life and..." He looked into the brown eyes of his young, way too young friend with a piercing look. "I think you c'n do it, can survive out there and be in Four Corners in record time. Hell, you're a great rider, kid, don't listen to Buck when he tells you otherwise, you hear? I know. Worked with horses most of my life. If anyone has a chance to get help here on time, it'll be you. Alright? Alright?"

"Chris, I..."

"I need you to remember that you're going to try and save me!" Chris hissed. "You did everything you could here! And now you're going to do even more. You're going out there on your own to get help. Don't matter how this ends, that's what you're doing!"

JD suddenly turned white as a sheet. "You planning on getting me away and then doing yourself in, Chris?"

Chris glared at him. "I'll forget you said that, JD." Then, softly, not caring if JD heard him or not, "didn't put a bullet in myself after Sarah and Adam died. Sure as hell won't do it over some damn tree."

JD did hear and started to bluster. "Aw Chris, I'm sorry, I didn't mean. I...Shit, Chris, I know you ain't no quitter, but when you said don't matter how this ends."

"JD, just don't assume something like that ever again! I think I've shown I'm not giving up easily."

"Y...Yeah, sorry." JD thought about all the things he had seen Chris do, all the things he heard about his hero and yes, Chris was always fighting on. If it was alone in a street facing a gang running down on him, or in a prison just outside Jericho, Chris was impossible to put down. He would never forget what had been done to Chris in that prison, had felt nauseated when he heard the stories of the other inmates. Still Chris had walked out alive, had even taken the warden and sheriff who'd done it to him out himself. JD had been impressed seeing Chris ride out of there after it all like nothing had happened and he knew he hadn't been the only one who felt in awe, so had the other peace keepers and even the other inmates. He'd started for himself to refer to their ragtag group as the Larabee gang ever since.

The fleeting memories brought him some peace to do what he knew was the only thing he could do. "Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry, Chris. If you say you'll be here when I can get back with help, you'll be here."

Oh, shit! Chris saw the light kindle up in the kid's eyes, saw the hero worship come to full bloom in the way JD looked at him.

"That's a promise, ain't it, Chris?"

Fuck! The last thing he had wanted to see in those trusting brown eyes was that stupid hero worship flaring up again. He was no God damn hero, Lord knows his slate was too black for that and the way he stood in life was just. Hell, he just wasn't a damn dime novel hero no matter what drivel Jock Steele wrote down!

"Chris? Chris, you will be here, won't you? You will."

"Ain't going anywhere, kid."

"Not funny, Chris. Just, just... promise you won't die!"

Now Chris turned very serious. "JD, you know I can't promise that. I don't know what lives out there and might decide to pay a visit. Hell, I don't even know how bad I'm hurt under that branch, just know it hurts. All I can promise is that I'll do my damnedest to still be around when you get the help here."

The youth looked at him and Chris saw the tears in his eyes. "Yeah, guess that's fair. Guess your damnedest will do the trick though. It did in that prison camp, didn't it?" He bolted on Milagro, Pony's rein fastened to his saddle. His eyes looked back at the blond gunslinger one last time.

"I really need you to be here when we come back for you, Chris, I really do. Don't know if I can live knowing that I'm the one who's done you in."

"JD, you didn't. JD!" But the kid was already gone, moving his horse in a break neck gallop.

Finally Chris felt he could give in to the pain. He moaned and at last let the tears freely stream from his eyes, now that he was alone. All alone.

Didn't matter, as he'd told JD, he'd been alone ever since his family died, was nothing new. Blue eyes suddenly filled his vision, blue eyes in a handsome Texan face surrounded by long brown curls. Well, maybe not that alone lately, but still, being alone and on his own was at the core of his being. Even as the leader of this group of six rag tag peace keepers.

Chapter 2

JD had been coping while racing the horses through the land. He loved riding, loved it with a passion. It kept his mind off Chris, and of what had happened. Chris jumping in to save his life, only to get pinned under the tree himself. The too-white face resting against the bedroll.

JD felt as if nothing would ever be alright again. If Chris was dead when he came back with help. No, don't think it, don't think it! He would beat the odds and get to Four Corners in record time. And Chris, Chris was Chris and would beat the odds as well. He had to!

Riding, taking care of the horses, it all filled his mind for as long as there was light to see by and to travel by. Then it became dark, and something else penetrated JD's thoughts.

He was alone. Except for the two horses he was completely, utterly alone in the Wild West for the first time since he had gotten there. The journey from back east had been made part by train and mostly by stage coach, both filled with people. He may not have known those people and had felt a bit alone even surrounded by them, but they were there to talk to, to make jokes with, to answer his many questions.

After he had gotten off the stage coach in Four Corners, he had immediately focused on the black clad gunslinger. Chris Larabee's name was known even in the east and he had been so busy with following him, consumed with the wish to ride with him, that he hadn't had time to feel lonely. In a way he hadn't been, he had constantly kept the gunslinger and the five men that rode with him in his sight till he had been plucked up and deposited in their midst by Buck Wilmington.

Buck! Oh my God, Buck! Buck can't stand to lose Chris. I know he can't stand that. And I left him, I left him. Buck would never have left him. Buck would've known what to do!

He hadn't been alone ever since joining the Larabee gang. Not unless he wanted to be, and that had always been with the others close by and there to go back to. That wasn't being alone at all. Not like he was alone at this moment, so utterly on his own it caught in his throat.

After he had shot Annie, he had felt really lonely as well. He now realized he hadn't been though, the others had still been there for him, especially Buck. God, he missed Buck, he would give a lot if only Buck was here with him in this big, empty space of land he had never ever before travelled all by himself. He shivered. There was no one else, just him and the crushing responsibility on his shoulders to do what was necessary.

It didn't begin to compare with the other things he'd done to help someone, like saving the stage coach and everyone in it when it was attacked by Achilles' gang. Then he hadn't had time to think about what he was doing, he just had to DO it. It was fighting and he'd given his best in that fight. As usual it had been exhilarating too.

Now he just kept seeing Chris before his eyes, how he had quietly lain there, unable to do anything else but lay there and hurt. He'd seen Chris was in pain despite the attempts of the gunslinger to hide it from him. It all depended on him now; on his ride, and there was no one coming to the rescue, to take this horrible responsibility away from him.

How did Chris live with the responsibility of a whole town full of lives every day? Or Nathan? Oh my God, how did Nathan do it, taking the responsibility for all those people sick or hurt that came to him? He always tried to heal everyone, even knowing they could die. How did he do that?

How did he live with those times that he wasn't able to save someone?

JD shivered, he wouldn't go there, he wouldn't! He would save Chris, he just had to! He would get help there on time.

If only Four Corners wasn't that far away, or there was someone living close by. But no one lived in this stretch of wild country. A countryside he saw less and less of; it was very fast getting much too dark to keep travelling. That would mean he had to stop and camp.

Camping was the last thing he wanted, laying there all alone in the dark. He had no choice though, so he went to a copse of trees he saw, took care of the horses in the last of the fading light, managed to make a small fire and rolled himself in his bedroll. He was too worn out and too nauseated to eat, so he didn't bother trying to find or shoot something. The few trail rations they'd still had, he had left with Chris. Chris had told him to take them, that he needed them to keep up enough strength to travel, but he could do without food till he reached Four Corners tomorrow. Chris needed it more, he just knew that. So he had left it all there, for Chris to find after he'd been gone.

JD thought he would never be able to sleep, but he was wrong. The utter exhaustion he was feeling, both physically and emotionally, took a toll and his young body wasn't going to let it be denied what it needed.

When he was almost dragged under into a restless sleep an image suddenly flashed before his eyes. He didn't know why or where it came from, only that all of a sudden he was seeing the moment when he was getting on the stage coach to go back east, after the accident with Annie had shattered him. His friends had all been there to see him off, even Chris. At first he'd thought the black clad leader hadn't come, but he had, he just stood a bit apart from the others. Chris hadn't talked to him about what happened like Buck and Josiah. Hell, the man hardly ever talked so he hadn't expected him too. What mattered was that at that moment, before the stage coach would take off, Chris had told him he could stay. Had offered it solemnly and to the point: JD? Change your mind if you want to. No fancy words, no elaborate reasoning with him, just that one point: that it was his choice and he could change that choice. With the implied meaning while all his friends were standing around, that when he did change his mind and stayed, they were all still there for him.

With that image came others from the months the seven had been together and gradually JD realised how distant Chris had always kept himself. How most of the time he sat by himself in the saloon, in a chair on the boardwalk around town, on a bench somewhere. Disappearing to his cabin or to God knows where. Where he and the others had always sought each other, wanted to be with each other, except for Ezra when he was in a game or Josiah when he wanted to do penance, Chris had stayed alone. Vin was the only one he actively sought out now and then, but the rest of the time it was them who went to Chris. Whenever anyone of their group went to sit by Chris or hang around him he was welcome and Chris would look and listen and even sometimes offer a comment.

Alright, maybe not always...

Left on his own though, Chris stayed by himself.

JD just couldn't comprehend it, couldn't comprehend why anyone would choose to stay away from others as much as Chris did.

Perhaps Chris hadn't lied when he had said he didn't mind being alone. JD clung to that while at last falling asleep.

Chapter 3

The last rays of the sun fell through the enormous trees surrounding the one that had gone down. They stood there, like sentries around their fallen comrade. Leaves clung everywhere and some of the trees had been severely damaged by the passing of the giant who had plunged through them.

The golden rays fell on the trunks, the leaves, the soft green mosses growing up and around them, the little clumps of grass scattered everywhere. They travelled along the fallen trunk and fell on something black laying there, a dark clad, lean but muscled body, a shock of blond hair shining golden in the rays of sun. Suddenly, green eyes flew open and blinked when they got caught in those last rays.

Chris shot erect, crying out in pain when the movement played hell with his wounded legs. He couldn't manage to get fully up in a sitting position with the branch pinning him almost as high as his hips. He did get up enough to see the tree and the branch holding him down, and with a groan he fell back again. Waking up with the last of the sun in his eyes, he'd forgotten for a moment where he was.

Closing his eyes again he tried not to think about JD, out there alone in this wide land that could be so harsh for the people trying to cross it, or live in it. He tried to estimate how long it had been since JD had left. Looking up he saw that the last of the sun had disappeared as well and the sky was darkening. Thinking back he tried to remember at what moment of the day JD had left.

Chris didn't use a watch. The only time he ever had one was in the war, but not before and not since. Like a lot of people, he had a sense of time that could be made more accurate during the day by using the sun. That sun was now telling him it was the start of the evening and darkness was approaching fast.

It was good that he'd slept some. If there were animals out here big enough to decide they'd like to try and take a taste of him, chances were that they'd come at night. He'd better stay awake. He'd promised the kid, somehow, that he'd do his damnedest to stay alive. That meant being ready and alert. It meant keeping his ears out for the sounds coming towards him.

Chris stared around, taking in the darkening trees around him, the tufts of grass, dotted with small yellow and white flowers that were fast losing color, the wall of wood rising before and above him. He took his book and tried reading for a while in the fast fading light, but truth be told, he didn't feel so good. And he had to take a leak.

Life was just full of shit, had been ever since he lost Sarah and Adam. He looked at his canteen, but no chance in Hell he was going to throw that water away. He would need it, all of it, before anyone could come to get him out of here. Besides, he had that branch laying partly over his hips. Aw Hell, there just was no help for it. God, he hated this!

If he only didn't hurt so much. Wildlife be damned, but he preferred to sleep after all.

He looked up at the stars that started to appear. It wasn't till he met Vin that he began to notice things like that again. A beautiful sunrise or sunset, the striking light in the sky after a thunderstorm, the soaring of an eagle, the earthy smell after a shower of rain. The twinkling of the stars.

The twinkling of the stars, seen through the branches of the trees while he was lying on his back on a blanket on the ground, staring up at them. Like he used to look up at them with Sarah.

Don't go there, Larabee!

He closed his eyes. He had loved the wide open land that he had made his home, had chosen the beautiful valley where he and Sarah had built their house on purpose and had enjoyed living there, far from other people. Just the three of them and the horses, and from time to time Buck as well, it had been all he ever needed. Being with his family was so much better than hanging in a bar, like that bar in Mexico. He hadn't needed anything else but Sarah and Adam, horses to work with and that beautiful piece of land to live on.

After their deaths, it had been too hard to be there or anywhere else out in the country, surrounded by beauty and tranquillity and knowing he could never ever share it again with his family. So he had stuck to the towns and the saloons. Enough things happened in saloons to divert him when his memories started to hurt too much and his loss threatened to consume him. He could get drunk, get into fights and get distracted enough that he didn't have time to think.

Now he could sit with Vin and quietly watch a sunset or sunrise again, enjoy seeing a group of wild horses, ride along a trail and take in the beauty of the desert. The silent camaraderie kept memories at bay and formed an anchor that kept him in the here and now.

Vin wasn't here though. There was nothing to keep his memories in line at the moment and he didn't know if he could take them. On the other hand, he needed to remember, needed it bad. He wanted to see Sarah's sparkling eyes again, hear Adam's voice calling for him.

No, he couldn't take it, not now. He would want to be with them so much and he'd promised JD to try and stay alive. God, he needed a drink. He needed something, anything. He sure as hell could use a distraction about now.

Nothing happened.

Chris started to hum, a silly song Adam had liked. Adam had loved it when he sang for him. Loved it even more when he just hummed close to a tiny ear or with his mouth on a small tummy, accompanied with lots of giggles.

"FUCK!"

He drew one of the blankets toward him, needing cover to keep him from shivering so much. Some things fell out of it. Chris reached for them and came up with JD's canteen, also filled with water and the trail jerky. What the..? When had JD left those? That stupid kid, he needed water for himself on his trip, and he'd told him not to leave the food. The meat would attract predators even more then the smell of his blood would.

How did this happen anyway? And why wasn't his bottle of whiskey here, or for that matter his saddle bags? Hadn't he told JD to leave his stuff with him?

JD had been so panicked. It was clear that the kid had thought about the obvious and had left with the rest. Chris chuckled bitterly. The young man had probably automatically thrown the saddle bags over Pony's back, figuring he'd left Chris all he needed and never thinking about leaving the rest as well. The kid was too inexperienced. He himself was the one who should have paid better attention! Only at that time, it took all of his strength and concentration to keep the pain at bay and look relatively okay, so JD would find the strength to leave.

He didn't want to think about anything anymore. If only he could sleep again. Sleep would be good, but at the moment he hurt too much for that.

"Look at those stars. Chris, they look so close at the moment, so clear. It's beautiful here, isn't it?"

"It sure is, Sarah." Chris lifted his arm lazily, making a grabbing motion.

Giggles. "What ARE you doing, Chris Larabee?"

"Trying to pluck a star for you, Sarah Larabee. They look close enough and it would look so good on you. You deserve a star, a real live star, Sarah. One should glitter in that beautiful hair of yours." He looked away from the night sky and locked eyes with Sarah's striking, deep blue ones. "You are the best thing that ever happened to me."

"Chris, you are the best thing that ever happened to me. Come here!" She reached over to kiss him and he leaned into it. But nothing was there.

Fuck! His eyes flew open. Yes, he was alone, all alone. God, he missed her. He missed her so much. It still hurt like the first day after he had buried them.

Those horribly burned bodies of the two people that were everything to him had haunted his nightmares for a long time. The knowledge that they probably had been burned alive in their house had been too much to bear and he had tried to find some evidence that they had been killed before the fire started. Gun wounds, or a dent in the skull maybe.

But nothing had been there and there were still nights that he could hear them scream for him.

Chris hastily took one of the canteens and took a long draught of water. It didn't help to quell the nausea that had risen along with those very unwanted memories. He tried to move some and pain erupted like a fiery river through his legs.

That did distract him from the memories, but now he had to actively swallow the rising bile back down. It made him gag, but it was better than having it all over him.

The pain didn't lessen and he started to drift in and out of consciousness. He looked up again at the stars. Those stars were there long before he was born and would still be there even if there wasn't a human left on earth. They would keep on shining, indifferent to everything that happened far beneath them.

He wasn't comforted by that, actually it made him angry. The indifference of all nature's beauty to the death of two such wonderful people, one only a small boy so full of life and promise, was wrong, it was wrong!

"Daddy, daddy, look how many stars there are! Much more than at home!"

"No Adam, not much more, it only looks that way because we are higher up here."

"Higher. Oh yeah! When we're higher we're closer and then we can see them better!"

The boy had jumped up, trying to reach for them with his hands. He plopped down again and Chris pulled his enthusiastic son against his chest, letting the head full of dark hair rest there. Together they looked up again, a fire crackling merrily next to them. The small tent was still packed. Adam had pleaded with his father and he had won. They slept right in the open. Under the stars.

"Daddy, do you know what stars are?"

"Hmm. Giant fireballs in the sky, just like our sun. Only these are so far away from Earth that we only see them as small points of light."

Adam giggled.

"What's so funny, son?"

"You! You're funny! Balls of fire, how can that be? Wouldn't they fall down or burn up? Fires burn up, don't they? And they are no suns. They don't look like the sun!"

"Yeah?" He had affectionately ruffled the unruly hair of this treasure in his arms. "What do you reckon stars are?"

Absolute silence.

But that didn't take long. It had only been because Adam had been thinking real hard, while studying the riddle above him.

"Daddy, God lives up in the sky, don't he? And he loves us all? I guess he wouldn't want us to get lost and bump against a lot of things in the dark when the sun is gone, so he decided to give us light. I think it's lots of lamps he hangs in the sky at dark, all for us."

"And the moon too?"

"The moon too. Don't think the moon's a lamp, though, do you? More like a...a night sun!"

He held his son close to him. God, but he felt so blessed at that moment. They kept looking up at the sky and his heart lifted when a shooting star went by. He made his wish, the only wish he had.

Keep my family healthy and happy.

"Daddy, daddy, a shooting star! Did you see it, did you see it?"

"Yep, I did."

"Did you make a wish?" The boy threw himself on his stomach, on top of his father who couldn't help it but had to let out a little 'ouch' at that action.

"Easy! Yeah, you imp, I made a wish. Did you?"

"Yeah! Oh yeah! I wished for a real horse for myself. I'm way too big for Bubbles. Bubbles is a little kid's pony!"

"But what would poor Bubbles do then?"

"Oh, we'll still be friends! He can be in the pasture all the time and I'll go visit him. Just like Pony. Pony is my best friend ever, but you never let me ride him alone."

"He IS a bit big for you, imp."

The boy swatted him. "Don't call me imp! I'm no imp!" There was no real resentment against the nickname though. "And you? What did you wish?"

"Oh no! Telling it means that it won't happen!"

"It does? Oh, but daddy, I told you mine! Does that mean I won't get a real horse for myself? Even if it's only a small one?"

"Don't worry son. I'm your father. I'm sure that it doesn't apply to telling your father or mother. After all, you're not supposed to have secrets from your parents."

"That's true!" Relieved the tireless boy flopped over on his backside again. "Perhaps we'll see another one! Oh! Oh!" He flew up and sat next to his father, his eyes shining. "I just thought about that shooting star! I know what it is! I know!"

"Really? What is it?"

"That must have been an angel who had to hang a lantern in the right place! That's why it's so fast, that angel was late and had to fly in a real hurry! That's it, isn't it?"

"You know, Adam, I think you're right. I think you found the answer."

Even the dark couldn't hide the pride shining out of the beautiful eyes, eyes that were green and that everyone told Chris were like his own, but he didn't see that. He only ever saw them as distinctly, unmistakably Adam's eyes.

The eyes clouded over. "I didn't see the angel. Daddy, why couldn't we see the angel, not even a little bit? Aren't they supposed to wear those really white dresses? And it had a lantern."

"But it's also very, very far away. Like when the horses are in the far meadow against the hills and we can't see them from the house. We see the hill, even the meadow, but not the horses because it's so far away."

"That's true!" Adam came back into his arms and Chris tucked a blanket around his little boy. He felt him become calmer, felt the breathing become deeper and more relaxed. Not long now and Adam would fall asleep.

"Wish I could see an angel one time. I really want to see one, daddy. It would've been my next wish."

Chris tightened his empty arms around himself. The memory had been so vivid, so clear. He wanted to hold his little boy one more time so badly.

"I really need a drink. God, I'd kill for a bottle of whiskey!"

Or a distraction. Some distraction would be welcome as well.

Another memory came up again. He later found out why Adam had wanted to see an angel so badly. The boy told his mother right after they came back from the camping trip, the last one he ever had with his son.

Adam ran up to his mother and started telling everything they had done, ending with an earnest question. "Mommy, how can I get to see an angel?"

"An angel? Why do you want to see an angel, Adam?"

"I want to see if they really look like daddy!"

"Angels? Look like your daddy? Why would you think that?"

"Because that's what the ladies were saying in the saloon. They said daddy survived every gunfight he ever had not because he was so fast, but because the bad guy would look at him and see an angel standing there and then forgot to get his gun out on time. And then they sighed and made strange noises and said they missed him in the saloon. Oh! Mommy! I think daddy's choking! He sounds so funny and he's getting all red!"

"Choking? I'll teach him choking! WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING TAKING ADAM INTO A SALOON?"

"I didn't, Sarah, honest! I never took him to the saloon, ever!"

"Oh no, daddy wasn't there. Uncle Buck took me. I was thirsty and we bought something to drink there."

"Buck? That no good, worthless, idiot. BUCK! BUCK YOU GET IN HERE RIGHT NOW!" She stalked off, really angry this time at the rogue who shared so many moments of their lives.

"Mommy's pissed, isn't she, daddy? We only bought something to drink there. Uncle Buck said that's what saloons are for. You okay, daddy? You still look red. How come you look like an angel? Do I too?"

"I don't look like an angel, Adam, that's nonsense. You and mommy though, that's what angels have to look like."

"Oh no, we don't have golden hair. They kept going on about that your hair was golden, like an angel's, and about your face and how your body..."

A hand over his mouth made the boy finally stop. "Adam, those ladies were talking nonsense. I can tell you what angels look like, I've seen them. The first one I saw was when I met your ma for the first time, and the second the moment you were born. That's the truth and they didn't look one inch like me. Got that?"

Silent nodding behind the hand.

"You stop talking 'bout this?"

Vigorous nodding. Chris let go of his son and rumpled his hair. "Now, let's not talk about it anymore." He knew he'd made a mistake when he saw the mischievous twinkle in his son's eyes and the crossed fingers that came from behind his back. "But they said it was because you're so d...darn beautiful!" Chris had grabbed for him and missed grandiosely, since Adam had already bolted, squealing in delight. The next minutes were filled with screams, laughter and lots of chases. Buck hadn't joined them though.

Chris chuckled at the memory. Buck had been in real trouble that time. He had been around so Sarah wasn't alone while Chris and Adam were on their camping trip to retrieve some wandering horses Chris wanted to take with him for the sale in Mexico. Normally it would be something he'd do with Buck, but it had been too long since he'd had time alone with his son and the few strays had been a perfect opportunity.

He'd be forever grateful that he'd given in to his need for some time with Adam alone. The next nights before the trip to Mexico had been filled with Sarah. It had been happy days, very happy.

When they came back from Mexico, it wasn't only with the money from the sale but also with a beautiful grey mare, built every way like a horse but small enough for Adam to handle. Chris had fallen in love at first sight when he saw her and immediately knew she was the horse for his son, no matter what Sarah would say.

He had turned the mare loose after he had buried his family.

He had never prayed again or gone into a church.

He had never, ever made a wish again on a shooting star.

Chris ground the heels of his hands into his eyes. God, he really needed some diversion, anything. This way he was never going to survive the night, never.

Then he heard it, a soft growl. His hands flew from his eyes and his gun was up in a flash. He looked around.

Oh shit!

Shining eyes with slit pupils were staring at him from between the trees. The night was nearing its end and Chris could vaguely see the shape.

Figured. A cougar. Of course it had to be a cougar. He'd seen the signs that had marked this area as cougar territory when they travelled towards the creek. Well, there it was. Seemed he'd gotten his wish fulfilled for a change.

Some distraction this was going to be!

Chapter 4

JD's sleep was restless and he woke after only a few hours. It was still dark, but not as dark as it had been. There was a glorious starry sky above him and a half moon shed just enough light to make travelling doable, provided he would go slow. He could go slowly. It would be better than not moving at all. He just had to get to Four Corners as quickly as he could.

JD moved. He just couldn't stay still if there was a possibility for moving. He broke camp, got the horses and started saddling them. He knew it wasn't just for Chris that he wanted to be on his way again, and he hated himself for that. His only concern right now should be his friend, his hero, but he so desperately needed to be with someone. Someone, anyone he could talk to about what had happened and who would talk back, maybe give him a pat on the shoulder. He wouldn't even mind being called 'kid' at the moment.

"It's just that it's so lonely without the guys, Milagro. Don't get me wrong, I love you and I'm glad you're with me, but it's just not the same. It isn't. I wouldn't even mind Ezra around right now. He sure talks strange and I don't always understand him. Heck, I just don't understand him at all. I mean, I understand most of what he says. I just don't understand why he is like he is, but he would know what to do and he would talk to me! I never thought it would be so hard to be out here by myself. I thought it would be fun, you know, I know how to hunt and how to cook on a fire. Shoot, I thought it was a bit lonely with Chris on the trail. He hardly says anything, but it wasn't, not really, I mean, he was still there, and now only you are here and...and Pony, and there is no one else to talk to. Here, you're all done boy, don't fret, we'll be going soon. I have to take care of Pony first, saddle him too so I can switch between you two real fast. Hope he's not giving me an attitude again like yesterday, because we really, really need to be as fast as we can. You wait here!"

JD took Chris' more heavy saddle and his saddle bags and went to Pony. The black gelding with the white star on his head eyed him suspiciously. Pony was a beautiful horse and not mean tempered at all, like Vin's horse Peso, but he had a deep loyalty to Chris and didn't like it when someone else handled him. He liked it even less when someone else climbed on his back.

JD was good with horses though and had been able to manage him well the day before. He didn't expect any trouble. He put the blanket on Pony's back and then the saddle and saddlebags. When everything was in order, he took Pony's bridle and took the rope halter off that had held Pony tied during the night.

Pony decided he'd had enough. He shook his head, pulled away from the reins with a sharp tug, turned around and went back to the one man he really knew, the man who had trained him and had taken care of him for as long as he knew.

"No, Pony, no! Come back, please come back! Milagro! Whoa, boy, whoa, come to me, come to me, whoa."

He managed to get the reins from his own horse. Milagro had almost followed Pony, who was after all a horse he knew and had been with for a couple of days now. JD managed to intercept him though.

"Whoaaa Milagro, easy!"

The always a bit skittish horse settled down again and JD breathed a sigh in relief. If Milagro had gone as well. No, he couldn't think about what that would have meant for Chris, he just couldn't! He looked the way Pony had taken off but knew he had no choice. He had no time to chase the horse. He had to get to Four Corners as soon as possible. That was still what he had to do.

JD bolted into the saddle and started on the road to Four Corners, carefully finding his way in the dark.

In Four Corners, Vin was saddling Peso. It was still dark, hell, it was still night, but he just couldn't wait any longer. He had felt restless, on edge, ever since the day before. He didn't know why. There was no reason for it, no reason at all, just a tightening in his gut whenever he thought about Chris and JD. The two weren't even late. They weren't supposed to get back until the end of the day and that was when they were fast. It could as easily be tomorrow before they were here.

The unease had started yesterday by the end of the morning and he'd been uneasy since then. In the evening, he'd finally announced to the others that he didn't care one damn bit how they wanted to divide the rest of the patrols, but he was going to take the dawn one. Without waiting for an argument he had stalked out of the saloon to his wagon. No protests were hurled after him. He hadn't expected one. He did think he heard Ezra's sigh in relief, or maybe Buck's. Both weren't very partial to dawn patrols.

Now it wasn't even getting light yet, but with the glorious starry sky he would be able to see enough to travel at a light trot. Actually, he wouldn't need to see. Peso was way better with his footing than he could ever guide him and he always trusted his horse to find the way. Now would be no different. He would do a sweep around town, than head up towards Glasstown. He might as well meet Chris and JD on their way in. It would be good to ride with Chris again. He had missed that silent presence.

When he left the livery with Peso, he suddenly felt his gut cramp and for a moment he thought he was going to puke. A deep fear hit him for a moment. Chris?

Patrol be damned! He got up on Peso and hit the trail toward Glasstown as fast as possible with the meagre light.

Chris had lost sight of the cougar. He didn't like that, didn't like that one bit. The growls were there and he knew the big cat was prowling around. If it decided to come straight from behind him, then he was in trouble. It was the one direction he couldn't really cover.

A sound from above and in front made him look up that damn fallen tree. A shadow moved on it, two glistening eyes looked down on him. Chris immediately took aim, but even as fast as he was, the cougar was faster and already coming down. Chris shot, shot again, the cougar was right there on his chest, claws raking through his shirt and skin. The mouth, filled with razor sharp teeth, descended on him. Chris reacted at once and slammed his gun into the head. The big cat growled and shook his head, but there the teeth came again, eyes glowing above him. Chris' left arm flew up to protect his throat, his right now took the time to aim the gun and shoot the cougar.

The big cat screeched and reared up. The next moment it was gone.

Chris cried out when he moved his left arm from his throat. The cougar had had a good grip on it when he shot it. He tried to look around to see if the animal was still there. He wanted to know how bad he had hurt it, how dangerous it still was.

It was gone. Chris sighed in relief and his whole body went slack. He put his right arm, gun still in his hand, over his eyes and just lay there while he started to shake all over. Finally he felt he would be able to get a canteen and drink some water.

His chest and left arm were on fire. Oh Hell! he thought, looking at the wounds the claws and teeth had left. How was he going to fix that? Had JD left the med kit that Nathan had forced on all of them? Another thing he hadn't thought to ask for. He looked to his left where everything was. The dried meat, his book, the bullets, the two canteens, two blankets in an untidy heap.

Shit, no medkit. Kid probably didn't know he had one. That meant he only had water to try and clean the wounds a bit.

Again he wished for whiskey, but now for a whole other reason. He had to do something about the wounds. Claws and teeth were real bad, because they were full of dirt. First he needed to sit a bit more, so he had a better grip on what he was doing. He forced his left arm to move. It made him choke and gasp, but he managed to grab one of the blankets and drag it towards him without passing out.

God, that hurt!

The gun stayed close, he didn't feel comfortable letting it go with that damn cougar still somewhere, but he had no choice. He tried to fold the blanket with one arm. He was forced to use his left anyway and managed to lean over just in time when the pain got so much he couldn't stop the bile coming up, not this time.

Worse though was the feeling of bones sliding along each other in his right leg when he jerked to that side so suddenly.

"Oh no.."

For a moment he just laid back, trying to breathe and keep conscious.

*JD please, please hurry. Don't get them here so late it would mean things start to grow back in that leg all crooked. Please...*

Because that would mean Nathan would have to rebreak them. Or worse, that there was no help for it anymore and they would stay deformed. No, he wouldn't think about that. To hell with any promises, if it took too long, one of his bullets would be for himself! He would only fight on for as long as he thought he could still live as he had.

He thought about gangrene. The fear of it had started the minute he had felt the wounds in his arm. You can't amputate a chest, but you can an arm and he wasn't going for it.

Lying against his partially rolled bedroll, he let despair wash over him. Not for long though. He had work to do and he'd told the kid he was no quitter. Well, he wasn't! As long as he didn't smell gangrene, he would go on fighting. Right. That meant he'd better finish what he had started and get the rolled up blanket under him as well, so he could sit a bit straighter.

Chris closed his eyes for a moment, then took a deep breath and took his weight on the injured left arm, so that he could shove the blanket behind him with his right. It took some time and a lot of sweat, but finally he had done it and could sit a bit straighter.

He'd managed not to scream and he'd been able to swallow the bile rising up this time.

So far, so good.

It took longer than he felt comfortable with before the pain and nausea were finally back to a level he could handle. It would be better to get this done as quickly as possible and he knew it. It was also the reason he did wait, because he couldn't afford to pass out, not now, not with the wounds uncleaned and with the cougar still somewhere around, wounded and extra dangerous.

Next step was getting his arm out of his coat and shirt. He looked ruefully at the ruined clothing. The shirt he didn't mind, but he had had that duster for a long time now. Vowing he would get a new one, he finally decided to cut the sleeves off. It would be less painful and would keep the rest of his body better clothed against the chill.

Cutting the sleeves wasn't a big problem. Getting the cloth eased off his arm turned out to be one hell of a painful experience, but he got it done. After that followed an inner debate. Clean the arm first or get his chest wounds free of his shirt and then clean it all one after the other? He decided to go for the latter and unbuttoned his shirt. Getting the shirt material out of the wounds almost undid him. Finally he soaked the textile with water, which did the trick. He didn't take a break after that. Just took his bandana and started cleaning it all, first his chest, then his arm. He was rough on the wounds, as rough as he could handle to make them bleed again. The more they would bleed clean blood, the better it would be.

He was left trembling after it was all done as good as he was able to. Still, no rest, not yet. Chris took his small pocket knife and took off a part of the underside of his shirt. Hoping it would be clean enough, knowing it probably wasn't after days on the trail but it was always cleaner then the ground his arm would be laying on, he managed to get it around his arm and even, with the help of his teeth, get a little knot in it.

It was done. Now all he could do again was wait. Wait for who would get to him first, his friends, the cougar or something else entirely.

All was pain, his arm, his chest, his legs. He couldn't keep from shaking and with an effort used his left arm one last time to pull the second blanket towards him. He got it around him as tight as he could, taking his gun in as well and keeping it close to his right hand.

God, he wished he was dead.

Chapter 5

JD felt horrible. Everything hurt, his back, his arms and his buttocks, those hurt most of all. He'd been on the trail lots of times since joining the Seven, but never in such a relentless pace and with such little rest. Not that he minded. He was making real good time to Four Corners. Only he was hungry, really hungry and thirsty as well. Not as thirsty as he was hungry. Early that morning, he had reached the Boulder waterhole and he and Milagro had drank their fill.

Next time he would be sure to take two canteens with him, just to be on the safe side.

He laughed a little after thinking that. If he'd had two canteens he would've left them both with Chris and he would still be thirsty. But Chris would have more water now, two canteens wasn't that much considering how long it would take to get help back.

Yes, next time he would take two canteens!

Milagro snorted behind him and he turned around to pet the soft, velvet nose. "You up to some speed again? I don't mind walking a bit, I got real stiff. But it's too slow and we need to be fast. I know it's hard on you, Milagro and I promise to make it up to you, really. It's just that we need to make good time." Stopping the lean horse, he kneeled down and started to feel the legs. Milagro whuffed and nuzzled his owner's hair affectionately. The thin horse liked speed, but the relentless going that he had been pushed to was heavy on him. JD knew it. Buck sometimes teased him about his horse, but JD wasn't going to exchange him for another one ever. Truth was, he loved the speed Milagro could develop, loved racing with him. On the trail, Milagro managed quite well, because he wasn't big or heavy himself. So he always told Buck that he only teased him about Milagro because he was way too heavy for a real fine horse like this one.

Only this time, he wished Milagro was stronger. He wished they could have galloped a bit longer, a bit more.

The legs felt fine and JD jumped into the saddle again to see if Milagro was up to an easy trot. He was, which was good. Another half hour of this and he would be able to go fast again.

Pony would have made a difference. Why had that stupid horse bolted and taken off like that? What had he been thinking? He hadn't taken the route to Four Corners. Stupid beast had turned back to...

To Chris.

Suddenly JD was real sure. Pony must have gone back to Chris. Thank God if he had! It would have been so hard to explain losing that horse to Chris. He never said anything, but every one of them knew how special that horse was to him. It was in the way Chris took care of him and never, ever wanted to ride another horse when going somewhere. It was something JD could fully understand, he felt the same about Milagro. He absolutely loved his horse. And where Milagro was a bit, well, scrawny, but who cared with a horse that fast and agile, Pony was downright beautiful, a real great horse.

His mind was wandering again. Somehow it kept doing that, no matter how hard he tried to keep it focused on the trail and on getting to Four Corners as soon as possible. Where was he now anyway? Was he starting to recognize things? Hey, wasn't that Bear copse? Not that anyone had ever seen a bear around here. He didn't think there had ever been one, this just wasn't bear country. So how did the copse get that name? Would anyone know? Maybe Miss Nettie would know, or Mary.

He was doing it again, thinking all kinds of stupid, unimportant things. God, how he would've loved to have Miss Nettie here to talk to! That would just have been great! Or Casey. Casey was real good on a horse too. He would make just as good a time with her, because she knew riding!

He was making a reasonable good time, he knew, but he would have made such a better time with Pony around as well. Yep, it was Bears copse! That meant he was still three hours from town at the best of speeds! But with Milagro so tired it would take at least four...

He knew he couldn't ride Milagro into the ground though, just couldn't. Luckily Chris would feel the same and would never forgive him for it if he did. To Chris, taking good care of your horse was as important as not shooting someone in the back.

Although if it came to choosing between a horse and a friend...

"Sorry Milagro," he whispered and coaxed the horse into a gallop again. Milagro did it, for him, no matter how it must hurt. He was wheezing pitifully for a moment. It made JD feel even worse then he had already felt ever since leaving Chris.

A speck grew into the distance, coming closer, real fast. A horse in full gallop. JD slowed Milagro down again, one hand on his Colt. He didn't budge from the trail though. He wouldn't let anyone and anything stop him from getting help for Chris.

God, just don't let it be someone bad, someone who wanted to rob him or something, who would try and keep him from what he so desperately needed to do.

He looked again. The horse was a lot closer now and looked kind of familiar. So did the figure on it, clad in buckskin... Vin! It was Vin! Oh my God, Vin! He wasn't alone anymore. Vin would take over now, would tell him what to do and would get the others, get them to move!

"VIN!" he hollered, waving one arm. "VIN!" Urging Milagro to go into a gallop again he hastened towards the approaching rider.

"JD." Vin was real tense when they finally reached each other. "Chris?"

"Oh Vin! Chris... Chris got stuck under this real big tree. They were the biggest, most beautiful trees I've ever seen, but one of them fell and Chris pushed me away or I would've been dead and then he got caught and now he's stuck, he's really stuck! I tried to get the tree off him, Vin, I tried, but it's so big, so very, very big and he said he thought he was bleeding and I had to get help and I had to... had to... l... leave him... leave him there, al a... alone!"

"JD, calm down, calm down!"

For a moment JD thought Vin was going to slap him to get him to calm down. He swallowed his fears and anxiety down forcefully. That was something he wouldn't live down, getting slapped for hysterics like a stupid girl! He wasn't hysterical, not even close. He was in a hurry and just awfully glad to see Vin, because Milagro really was at his end.

Vin looked at him and nodded when he saw the young man visibly calm himself.

"Bear Pass?"

"Y... yeah! How did you know?"

"Only place 'tween here and Glasstown with real big trees. Chris likes them. Showed them to me once. He got anything with him?"

"Of course! I left all the canteens with him, full, and the food we had left as well. And he wanted his rifle and all his bullets. Left blankets too."

"Food?"

"Yes, of course! He told me not to, but he needed it more than me, so I left it with him anyway, under the blanket. Must've found it by now."

Vin cursed.

"Vin? What's wrong?"

"Jerky?"

"Y...yeah."

"Chris wouldn't want it near. Could attract predators."

JD turned white as a sheet. "Oh hell, Vin. I didn't think of that, I didn't. Just thought how long it would take to get help back and that he'd need some food. Oh Vin, he told me not to leave it with him, told me! What've I done?"

"You did the best ya could, JD. Never think otherwise. And b'sides, bleeding he'd draw them anyway. Gotta go now. You git Nate and ever'thing ya need ta help git him home."

"I, you.. Vin! Vin, where you going?"

He was yelling at a buckskin back. Vin was already galloping away at a breakneck speed.

"Stupid question, you know where he's going! Come Milagro. Vin won't be able ta get Chris outta there. We still gotta get help."

JD pushed Milagro into a trot again, but his spirit had lifted. Vin was on his way and would be with Chris that much sooner. He would help Chris until they all came and got the tree away. Shit, they'd better not forget axes, lots of axes!

The rest of his way to Four Corners, the young sheriff was no longer thinking about loneliness and hopelessness. He was planning how they could get Chris out. Because one thing was for sure, Vin would never ever let Chris die!

Chris was shivering despite the blanket around him. He was briefly considering taking the second blanket from under his head now that he'd taken care of himself, but he felt better sitting up a bit more. It made it easier to keep an eye on his surroundings.

He wasn't so sure the cougar wouldn't return at some point. He had wounded it, at least twice, which meant the beast would have difficulty getting prey. This in turn meant that he was the best chance for a meal the beast had. Not that he was planning to end that way, in a cougar's stomach!

If only he could stay conscious. The shivering had grown worse the past few hours and it seemed that he was developing a nice fever. Stupid cat! As if he hadn't been in trouble enough as it was.

Chris looked up at the sky, trying to estimate what time it was. Seemed to be approaching mid-morning. Where would that leave JD? How far from Four Corners? He should be getting there in the afternoon, maybe sooner with two horses. Getting everyone organized to come and get him would take time though and even if he got in Four Corners to get help on the way today, they still would have to camp for the night.

No one would be here for him until tomorrow. Probably no sooner than tomorrow afternoon or evening.

God, he hurt! And he was tired, so tired.

Chris slipped into a feverish dream, no longer able to hold onto consciousness.

Chapter 6

A soft laugh, a warm breath tickling his ear. "I have to tell you something Chris, a surprise, a beautiful surprise."

"Really Sarah? What is it?"

"Oh no, not now. When you get back."

"Is that your way to get me back sooner? Or stop me from going at all?"

He turned around and took her in his arms. He buried his nose in her beautiful auburn tresses. "Well, Mistress Larabee? What are you playing at?"

She laughed and swatted him on his arm. "I know you have to sell these horses, Mister Larabee. I'll miss you, but Adam and I'll survive a day without you. I'll see you tonight or tomorrow and when I do, I have a surprise for you."

"A nasty one, or one I'll like?"

She tilted her head and her bright, beautiful eyes were shining when she looked into his. "It's a surprise you will love, Chris." Her delicate hand cupped his cheek and she smiled a beautiful small smile, just for him. "You will love it."

They kissed and he let her go reluctantly. Something crashed through the bushes around the ranch, something heavy.

Bushes? They didn't have bushes this close to the house, at least not so many that it would make such a noise when something walked through them. Frowning he looked around him. Buck was standing by the horses, Adam was patting Pony, his big friend. He didn't see anything and looked back at Sarah, confused. She had tears in her eyes now. "I love you," she whispered and then she started to disappear.

"Sarah?" Again he heard the noise and he knew he had to do something, confront it. But the grief of seeing Sarah disappear right from his arms hit him bad. "Sarah," he whispered.

Again the crashing noise and now he knew what he had to do. He left his beautiful wife and son to fulfill a promise he made, that he would fight to stay alive. His eyes flew open.

Something was crashing through the bushes alright. Chris wasn't instantly alert like he usually was. The fever was making him nauseas and light headed, pain immediately warred for his attention. Not good, this kind of slow response could kill him. He looked around, trying to see what was going on.

The sounds continued, there was splashing into the water of the nearby creek and drinking noises. By the time whatever it was came walking towards him, Chris had his gun out and ready.

He tried to be as still as possible, tried not to let the pain and fever take over. He needed to be alert, desperately. The cougar, was it the damn cougar? Lots of noise for a cougar, but he had wounded it, probably badly. It did sound more like a deer, but Chris wasn't going to take any chances.

The sun was playing over the wood in front of him. No shape, no shadow was there on that huge trunk. It sounded like whatever was coming was trying to get around the trunk, and would come from his right side.

All Chris saw was more huge trunks towering into the air and the dark shadows between them. The sun managed to get through the leafy roof the giants made high above, sending golden rays through those darks shadows and dappling some of the underground with bright green and warm brown colors.

The noise intensified for a while then seemed to go away. Before Chris could breathe a sigh of relief, whatever was causing it came closer again. Something moved in those shadows, something huge.

Chris gripped his gun even harder and brought it up. He tried to keep his sick, pain-filled body from trembling. Tried to focus solely on what was coming towards him. The shape started to come out of the darkness and a huge head swivelled his way.

"Pony?" Chris whispered incredulously. The horse gave one happy snort and trotted over to him.

"Pony?" Chris didn't know what to think. His first reaction had been one of enormous relief. God, but he had missed the beautiful horse. After the death of Sarah and Adam all he had left from his time with his family had been Pony. Everything else had disappeared in the fire. Pony was all that remained, and in the dark years after his families death Pony had been his one constant companion. But even Pony had been gone this past night and day.

Not anymore. His faithful companion was happily pushing his big head against Chris' own and nuzzled his hair affectionately. He snorted and butted against his owner again. Chris laughed. He knew exactly what Pony wanted.

"Come here, you big oaf," he whispered affectionately and managed to get his right hand between the ears where he started scratching the big black horse. Pony sighed contentedly, standing in bliss with his head hanging low. He was definitely happy to be back with the one man he had been with all his life. JD was completely out of his mind.

JD was very much in Chris' mind though. "I hope you didn't throw him, Pony," he told the horse. "I hope he's alright. He IS my only hope you know. Although you bring some hope as well. You brought my saddlebags! With a bottle of whiskey in it and the bandages Nate always insists we take along. Come, come Pony, down, down. Yes, good boy, down, come down."

Pony obediently lay down beside the gunslinger. He snorted when he saw that the pocket of the long black duster was within reach. A big nose tried to get in, only to be pulled back almost in disgust. Two brown, reproachful eyes looked at Chris.

Chris had to chuckle. The pain and nausea was forgotten at the moment with this miracle of companionship. "Sorry pard, nothing in there. We were supposed to get back to Four Corners today and I had no treats left. Be still, I'm going to get that saddle and those saddlebags off your back."

Chris tried to loosen the single with just his right hand, unable to turn over and use his left hand as well. An attempt to bring over his left hand after all made it very clear that even if he could have turned over, he would never have been able to use his other arm. The small movement made a horrible pain flare up in his arm and he couldn't stop the tears of pain spring up in his eyes.

"OH FUCK!"

It startled Pony and he made a move as if to get up. Chris clamped down the pain, trying to breathe deep and evenly.

"Down, Pony, stay down."

He calmed himself as much as he could. He knew the animal would pick up his mood faultlessly. As usual it worked. Calming himself immediately calmed his steed as well.

"Easy Pony, easy boy. It's alright."

A big lie, that one! Chris took out his pocket knife and pushed it between the saddle and the single. Painstakingly he began to saw through the tough leather, cursing that he didn't have Vin's big hunting knife. That would've made things a lot easier.

It took a long time. Sawing through the tough leather was painful and after a while Pony got restless. The single wasn't even halfway through, so Chris decided to take the risk and let Pony up for a while. He could use the rest himself. As soon as Pony was contentedly grazing from the small grass tufts growing all around him, Chris closed his eyes. His right arm was painful now as well from the exhausting sawing motion and his throat hurt from constantly swallowing the bile that rose from his stomach.

He took the canteen and carefully drank some. Not too much, the other canteen was already empty. Cleaning his wounds had used up a lot. He tried to ease his position somewhat, take some pressure off his back and shifted. Pain flared up in his legs and for a moment he felt himself sink into oblivion.

NO! CAN'T He forced his eyes open again. Can't Sarah, not yet. I want to know what you was going to tell me, but I can't come back just yet. Promised. promised JD.

Suddenly it hit him that he thought about Sarah as if she would be waiting in his dreams, to tell him that secret, that surprise he had never heard after all. Whatever she had wanted to tell him had gone with her to her grave. It was a memory, those whispered words, that had swiftly connected with how she had looked when he rode away, so glowing, with her hand protectively on her abdomen. It had opened a possibility about what that surprise was, the surprise he would love. It had made him rage even more against what had happened and he had buried those memories deep, very deep, to never think about again. After all, he could never ever be sure.

Chris shook and not only with pain. He wouldn't survive more of these memories. He just wouldn't be able to cope.

It was late afternoon when JD finally entered Four Corners. He almost cried with relief. Milagro was wheezing almost constantly now and that scared him. He really didn't want to lose him. The thin, lean horse had given so much to get him to Four Corners as fast as he could. He slumped off wearily and took him to Yosemite's livery, very glad the horse would finally have rest, water, food and the best care possible. It rankled that he would have to ask Yosemite to do it, but he really had to set everything in motion for them to get to Chris.

Yosemite came immediately when he saw Milagro. "JD! How could you? You asked too much of your horse! Way too much. Just look at him! Why did you do it? You know better than to treat a horse like that!"

"I know, Yosemite, I know, but I had no choice! I had to come as quickly as possible, to get help for Chris."

"Chris? Yeah, you left together. He didn't come with you? What's wrong, JD?"

"He...Yosemite, he got stuck under a tree, a real big tree. He saved my life and got stuck and I had to leave him to get help. Would you look after Milagro please? I really have to organize the help."

"Sure, JD, I'll take good care of him. Milagro may not be the strongest of horses, but he's got courage that one! We'll make him alright again, just you see!"

JD beamed at the older man. "Yeah? Oh, thank you, Yosemite! I think he's the best horse ever and I hated to ask so much of him. You really think he'll be alright?"

"As long as you'll let him rest fer a couple a days. Means you'll have to use another horse fer awhile."

"I do? I don't have another horse! But I'll think about that later, I'm just happy he'll be alright! Now I have to get help for Chris!" He took off towards the saloon. The biggest chance of finding Buck at this time was in the saloon and he really wanted to see Buck. Talk to him. Tell him everything that had happened.

It didn't take long for Buck to bellow for Nathan and Josiah and drag Ezra from behind the saloon table where he had been practicing with his card deck. Soon the four peace keepers were standing around JD and listened to his story.

"Damn it," he heard Buck holler suddenly. "Where's Vin? Why did he choose today not to come back from his patrol? Anyone have any idea where he is?"

"Buck, I met Vin on the trail and when he heard 'bout Chris, he took off ta be with 'm as soon as possible."

"Ya met him on the trail?" Buck asked. "So he has what? An hour on us, probably less? What's the point in that? He'd better 've waited."

"Hour? Oh, no Buck, I met him really far from Four Corners, like he was already on his way to...to... You know, that's weird, I didn't think 'bout that, but he was already on the trail to Glasstown. Like he knew something was wrong."

The others looked at him.

"Where did ya meet 'im?" Nathan asked.

"Took me at least four hours ta get t' town after I met him," JD told them. Now the men looked at each other.

"Spooky," was all Buck said.

"Let's git goin'. We still gotta git Lar'bee from under that tree," Nathan answered.

Soon a big flurry of activity was happening around the livery. Nathan was putting his supplies on Weasel. Josiah was collecting some good, stout axes and a saw just to be on the safe side and Buck was organizing a wagon to follow them all. JD looked at it all and suddenly he felt insignificant. He'd left Chris. Left him all alone, and now the others were going to save him. He didn't know what to do now. It wasn't like the stage coach. That was all about doing. He didn't have to think, he had to act. Now it was all about planning and he felt superfluous, young, stupid. God, he was tired.

A hand suddenly came down on his shoulder. When he looked up, he was surprised to see Ezra standing there.

"Get some sleep, JD," the gambler said softly. "It would be a shame if we would mislay you on the trail due to your immense fatigue. I will personally take you to the saloon and make sure Inez will nourish you with the best of morsels, after which I will escort you to your room and see to it that you acquire some well deserved respite. This," his hand fluttered around for a moment, indicating all the activity going on, "is best left to our venerated colleagues, who are the leading lights in any endeavour that requires vast quantities of organizing. I would never ever presuppose that I would be up to the standards of Josiah and Nathan if it comes to the organizing department and neither should you. Or Buck," he added with a big grin, looking at the ladies' man who was running around trying to keep up with all Nathan and Josiah were calling out back and fourth. JD had to agree, Buck looked ragged and definitely out of his depth. He also looked very determined. Buck was not someone to take things easy when a friend was in need of him. It was one of the things JD loved about the man.

"You got shovels yet?" Nathan hollered to Josiah. His answer was a shake of the head.

"Was going to get those next."

"Sh...shovels?" JD suddenly started to panic. "What shovels? Buck, they don't need shovels, he'll be alive! He promised he'll stay alive!"

"What? Oh, oh no JD. Not for that! Don't even think that!" The ladies' man quickly came over to his distraught and exhausted young friend. "It's to see if we can't dig Chris from under that tree. You know, dig under his legs so we c'n git them free."

"Oh." JD breathed. "Oh Buck! I never thought about doing that! Never! I only tried to get the tree off him and it w...was too big. Buck, I'm so sorry, so sorry! I'm so stupid."

"Now look here, kid, you ain't stupid, jist young!" Josiah said sternly. "You're from the city, and not that long in the west. You are doing great, despite the fact that you have much to learn, real great!"

"Yeah, except when I shoot an innocent woman," JD said bitterly.

Buck immediately put his arm around the young man. "You did great saving that stage coach and that wasn't the only time you were a real help and saved people, don't you ever forget that! You fell and the bullet went wide. That wasn't the first gun fight an innocent bystander got killed and it won't be the last, I told you that! Now, you did what you could then and you did what you could now! You did good, you made record time getting here. Vin's already on his way over to Chris and everything will be alright, you'll see!"

"But, Buck."

"Nope, no but!" Buck looked over at Josiah, Nathan and Ezra. "Only thing that worries me is that Chris didn't suggest digging to JD. Must mean he didn't expect the kid could dig him out. Was the ground real rocky, JD?"

"I, I, eh...I didn't look. It was a clearing and there were some boulders. But I don't know, I didn't think t...to look."

Buck ruffled his hair. "As Josiah said, you got a lot to learn and you're doing real good in spite o' that! You'll be a fine sheriff once, one that won't need ta be part of some group of misfits! Come on, we gotta move now. Josiah, you still want some shovels?"

"Just to be sure, but I'll get a third axe too. Seems to be going axe work." Josiah stumped off, Nathan went back to get more supplies out of his clinic and Buck was off as well.

Ezra took him firmly by the arm and pulled him along. "As I said, do not alarm yourself with this, mister Dunne, our colleagues are more then adequate. Besides, you already accomplished a good many things by arriving with such speediness to our municipality, so we could depart today in order to save Mr. Larabee. Me, I have yet to make a contribution."

"Yeah," JD mumbled, a bit glassy eyed. He was just too tired, thirsty and hungry to take in all that Ezra was saying. But he knew one thing, he had to get some food and some rest, or he would fall off his horse before they were a mile out of town.

Nathan looked up briefly from checking his medical kit. "JD, REST! Or we'll leave ya behind! And I MEAN it!"

The last thing JD wanted was being left behind. He really needed to see Chris, be there to get him safe again. After all, he was the reason the blond was laying there, stuck, all alone.

"He's all alone out there, Ezra," he whispered. "All alone, hurting and helpless."

Ezra couldn't help feeling a shudder at the idea. He didn't like being out in the open period, let alone being stuck all by himself under some huge tree. He shuddered again. One thing JD said got to him though.

"JD, please, do not call Mr. Larabee helpless. I assure you he is not! That man just wouldn't know how to be helpless!"

Chris opened his eyes and looked up at the sun. Midday was starting to get on it's way and he needed to do something, something important. Sarah and Adam had been in his dreams and they had told him he really should hurry.

"Hurry home?" he whispered. Had they asked him to hurry home? But he wasn't at a horse sale. He was in the woods, leaning against some rolled up blankets.

"B...Buck?" God he hurt! Did he have a hangover? Had a fight he didn't remember? Sarah hated that! He'd been in lots of drunk fights though since she and Adam died.

Chris tried to sit up and instantly all the pain slammed home.

"WHOAH! FUCK! Oh Hell, the tree, JD!" He fell back again and swallowed the bile that had risen in his throat. He still had a nagging feeling that there was something he had to do.

Suddenly he became very quiet. All that moved was his hand, trying to find his gun with the least possible movements. Something was walking up towards him. He opened his eyes and tried to see what was in store for him.

Whatever it was came from right behind him and was getting really close. The cougar? No, it sounded too big and heavy to be a cougar. Still. His hand finally found his gun and locked around it.

Then whatever was behind him snorted. A cougar didn't snort, did it?

Suddenly it all connected again in his brain. Pony! Pony had come back and he had come back saddled. The saddlebags. He needed those saddlebags! Chris licked his dry lips and whistled. Pony was instantly at his side, butting him with that big black head and velvet nose. Chris smiled at his horse, this one remaining link with his past. He caressed the soft nose, reached over to scratch the animal between his ears and murmured softly to him. Finally he decided the pain and the feeling of being sick wouldn't diminish, so he could just as well get started.

"Down, Pony, down. That's it boy, down, down, good, very good, come on, get down."

Soon Pony was lying next to him again, with the saddle girth in reach. He looked at the part he'd sawed through with his knife and sighed. No help for it but try again. It never occurred to him to try and take only the saddlebags off. Pony needed that saddle off and he was going to do it. So he took the small knife again and attacked, only using his right hand.

It took as long as the first half had done, but finally the girth snapped through. Pony was snorting and tossing his head by that time, the sawing motion by his side making him a bit nervous. Chris smiled, happy that he had managed to accomplish this. Now all he had to do was get into the saddlebags for what he needed. He wound the stirrup tight around his hand to be sure he had it and order Pony up. Pony willingly obeyed and stood up, taking the saddle and bags with him. Chris held on, the stirrup kept the saddle attached to his hand and wrist and he pulled it towards him. It all pulled back and he needed to put all of his strength behind it. But the saddle gave, it had no choice with Chris hanging on for dear life, so it finally came off on the right side and fell down from the rising backside of Pony, slamming straight onto Chris' chest.

He screamed, making Pony bolt away. It was like fire erupted everywhere, not just in his chest. With the involuntary movement he made, the pain also flared up in his arm and legs. It made him move again, trying to escape it and once more he felt bones shift in his right leg. Another scream. Then he sucked it in, took a deep breath and tried to get himself under control.

He couldn't really stop the shaking of his body afterwards, but managed to get the saddle off himself anyway. Next was getting into the saddlebags. They were laying conveniently next to him and he had no problem getting the small bottle of whiskey and the med kit with the tea herbs and bandages out. No way that he could make tea, but it contained willow bark, he would chew on a piece to try and keep the fever down.

Before he put one of the small pieces of willow bark in his mouth, he would first take a long swig from the whiskey bottle, only one, the rest was needed for his wounds. He put the bottle within easy reach, the med kit as well and removed his duster and shirt from his chest wound.

This wound wasn't too terrible. It was a little red, but not badly inflamed. Not being bandaged might have been good for it. It did play havoc with his shirt and duster, both full of blood. Better clean it fast and move on to his arm.

He cursed when he realised his canteen with water was now under the saddle. Getting it made him almost pass out, but he managed. First he drank some, than he took one of the bandages and used that as a cleaning rag. It was hygienic at least. His bandana and shirt were in a state that he would bring only more dirt into his wound then take it out.

This time Chris used a very limited amount of water. He would need the rest as drinking water for the night and day that were still to come.

"Wish you'd be able to fill a canteen for me," he told Pony, who had been sniffing with interest at the saddle and bags, and at Chris himself after the initial fright for the screams had passed. Pony snorted amiably back.

"Yeah, sure!"

He continued the cleaning, but now with alcohol on the piece of cloth. It burned, burned a lot! He managed anyway and in the process did his best not to think about his arm.

His arm was going to be the problem. It throbbed and felt like major infection had set in. When he had eased his spare shirt out of the saddlebags and over his chest to work as a buffer between the wound and the filth of his shirt and duster, and had secured it all by closing some buttons. He closed his eyes, took in a lungful of air, and with the help of his right hand moved his left arm up on his belly. He managed not to scream and scare Pony again, but he couldn't stop from moaning. The improvised bandage was red with blood and he knew he would have to use some of his precious water to soak it off.

Taking the bandage off turned out to be as much hell as he'd imagined it to be. Looking at the clearly infected wounds, he knew things would even get worse.

To hell with it, he did need some alcohol inside himself before he could start on this!

The alcohol hit his empty stomach hard and for a moment he thought he was going to puke after all. Luckily it settled, followed by a pleasant buzz. He almost took another swig, but for a moment scared brown eyes looked into his.

Right, promises. He'd promised the kid he'd fight. Not that he wouldn't have anyway, just that it was easier to fight when an asshole was involved who made him so angry he couldn't give up till he got the son of a bitch. Like the warden in Jericho. It was a lot harder to feel that way about a God damn tree.

The tree sure as hell didn't care, and it was dead already.

Shit, time to do it!

Chris took his knife, pushed it in the ground a few times to get it as dirt-free as possible, then carefully put alcohol on a clean part of the bandage that had been demoted to cleaning rag and wiped the knife with it. It was the closest he could get to sterilizing without a fire. It would just have to do. He looked down at his left arm, at the red parts around the wounds and the puss he saw seeping here and there and firmly thought about the horror of having nothing else but a stump there.

He plunged in the knife and cut open the red areas, all of them. He screamed, refusing to pass out and started pushing on the wounds, getting as much corruption out as possible. He was too tired, too far gone to care about the tears anymore and let them stream freely while he cleaned the knife again and started cutting open the parts he couldn't get clean enough. For a moment, he just had to stop to puke. He managed to hold on long enough to grab some of the spare clothing out of his saddlebags and puked in that. He left it at his side for now, knowing he would probably need it again.

He was right. Between getting the wounds to the point that all that came out was bright red blood, getting them cleaned thoroughly with alcohol and getting a real bandage around it, he puked three more times. Finally he could lay back, rinse his mouth with water and rest. He took a moment, then rolled up the piece of thoroughly soiled cloth and what was on it and flung it as far with his right arm as he was able to. The bloodied bandage got rolled up, which was difficult to do with one hand but manageable and got tossed as well. For good measure the jerky followed. He couldn't eat a bite and he just didn't want it close to him anymore. Perhaps the sour stench of his puke would mask the sweeter smell of his blood and the dried meat, but he doubted it. He fully expected more visitors. At the moment he didn't care though. Didn't care about anything but the pain, the nausea and the dizziness from the fever.

Fever, willow bark. With his last strength he opened the tea satchel and got out one of the pieces of willow bark. With the bitter taste of the bark in his mouth Chris leaned back, pulled the blanket around himself and finally let himself pass out. He just didn't have the strength to fight oblivion for the moment.

Chapter 7

It had been war between the five peace keepers, but finally things had sorted themselves out. Now Buck and Nathan were on their way to get to Chris as soon as possible. Buck's horse was packed with axes, shovels and a saw. Nathan's with every medical supply he could think of.

They had left the wagon far behind by the time it got too dark to ride and they were forced to stop for the night. Buck fretted about that until Nathan told him things weren't as bad as they seemed anymore. Vin was already on his way and would be there lots sooner than they could ever be.

"He'll keep Chris safe, Buck. Ya know that!"

"Yeah, but he ain't you, Nate. He ain't a doctor!"

"I ain't a doctor either. Told ya that thousands a times b'fore Buck! Listen, 't was pretty plain what JD told us. Chris is stuck under that tree, which prob'bly means broken bones, but for the rest he was fine. Hadn't bumped his head or got any other serious wounds, so he'll jist have ta hold on till we're there and git him free. Vin'll keep 'm safe till then. Ya know he will!"

"Yeah, yeah I know. But ya gotta agree it's better ta get 'm free as soon as possible!"

"I do, Buck, I do! But we need our strength ta do it, so I'm gonna sleep now. We'll git there tomorrow, right, and Vin 'll be there. He'll be fine Buck. It's Chris we're talking 'bout!"

Buck grumbled, but he knew Nathan was right. It really was too dark to ride, the horses were tired and so were he and Nate. They would need their strength to get Chris from under that tree. Although Buck scoffed a bit at the exaggerated stories JD had told about the enormity of that tree. That kid!

They would be riding again by the first sign of light, however feeble, he was going to make sure of that!

JD was the losing party in the war that had raged in Four Corners, just before they all left. He was angry as hell that they had put him on the wagon with Josiah, real angry. He needed to go back, to be with Chris as soon as he could. He needed Chris safe and grinning that crooked grin of his. The one that could make his face light up in a way you just had to grin yourself, or that could make every bad ass run like hell. Or take a shot at him, he thought with a tired grin of his own.

"You okay, JD?" Josiah asked.

"No!" he snapped. "I should've been there, up front, riding with Buck and Nathan, to get back to Chris as soon as I can! It ain't fair I'm stuck here!"

Josiah heaved a sigh. "Do not presume you have more right to be with Chris than any of us, son. That's not right and you know it. Nathan has to go first and Buck is not only his oldest friend, but stronger with an axe than you. So am I. If Buck had been the one to stay behind and guard the town I would be the one up with Nate, and you and Ez would've been driving the wagon. You would still have been put on the wagon."

"But I left him there!"

Josiah stopped the wagon and turned his full attention on JD. "You had no choice, JD. What else could you've done?"

"I could've stayed with him, keep him safe, got him what he needed. But instead I left him there, all alone! Josiah, he couldn't move from under that tree and he was all alone! God, on the trail back, I've never been so alone in my entire life, it was awful! But I could move, could go on. Chris is stuck there, and he's been alone all this time now. I got back this afternoon, but how long before Vin is there? How long?"

He looked in the direction of the Bear Pass and shuddered. "He can never be there tonight, can he? I know Peso's stronger 'n faster than Milagro, least on the long distances, but he still couldn't be there before morning. And that's if he rides on tonight. You think he'll do that, J'siah?"

"Son, I know for a fact he'll do that!"

"Yeah, guess so."

"JD, why are you so upset about the fact Chris is all alone out there? I know it means he's in danger. It's a real dangerous situation to be in, but why do I sense there is more?"

JD just shuddered.

"Why we stopping, J'siah? It's not too dark to ride some more."

"That's true." Josiah made the horses move again and the wagon creaked back into motion. "We will ride as long as we can, and longer because I want to be there as fast as I can as well, on one condition. You will stretch out later on and get some sleep in the back of the wagon."

"Aw, J'siah, I ain't a kid anymore!"

"No, but you had too little sleep last night. It's been exhausting what you've done. You did well, kid, now get your strength back. Promise? Or I will make camp for tonight!"

"Alright, promise, PROMISE! Geeh, lighten up."

They rode on in silence for a while, then JD whispered "I would die of loneliness out there, J'siah! It was so awful on the trail with no one to talk to, to help me and tell me we were doing the right thing. So lonely. I hated it!"

"Many people do, JD. There's no shame in that. Many people fear the loneliness. Chris ain't one of 'm, you know. He doesn't mind being on his own. He's still stuck and that's not a good position to meet trouble, but he won't suffer from the loneliness like you do."

"That's right! That's what I figured out on my way back to Four Corners!" JD interrupted him enthusiastically. "I remembered how he's always on his own, unless one of us gets over to him! So he wouldn't mind so much, would he? Like...like me."

"Not like you," Josiah agreed. He didn't put in words what he thought, that Chris might not mind being alone, but he might resent the demons from his past visiting him when he was down with nothing to occupy his fast and agile mind.

JD was suffering enough over this as it was.

Peso was not in a good mood. His owner kept pushing him and pushing him on and the horse had had enough. So when he smelled water he decided to throw it all in the wind and headed towards it.

Vin still wasn't done cursing when his mount already stood half in the water, drinking his fill. It was a good place to take a break, he had to admit. His horse had always had sense.

"Enjoy," he groused to his horse, "we ain't gonna be long!" Stalking towards a boulder at the side of the small creek he sat down, drew his hat low and closed his eyes. An hour later he was wide awake again and ready to go on. Peso wasn't as willing, but his stubbornness wasn't a match for Vin's. Vin was very determined to get to Chris as soon as possible and very serious about it all. Peso really had no choice. He gave in, not gracefully, but he gave in and Vin was on his way again.

Bear Pass was still hours away. He couldn't spare Chris another night alone in the woods. He could only hope that Chris would manage to take care of himself long enough for him to reach him. Somehow he didn't feel good about that, not good at all.

He spurred Peso on again.

Pony screamed, a high scream that conveyed a deep fear. It reached through the black oblivion Chris had been resting in and hauled him up again. His eyes flew open.

It was almost night and colour was already leaking away from everything surrounding him. Pony screamed again, this time there was also defiance in the scream. A low growl answered the horse.

Shit, shit, shit, the cougar was back! Chris grabbed his gun and tried to orient himself. Pony was to the left of him, pawing towards something in front. He looked as far as he could, jarring his left arm. He bit on his lip, ignored it all and searched. Where? Where was the damn beast?

Grrrrwaaaaaaagrrrr!

It was too much. Pony was one of the bravest horses he knew, but an attacking cougar was not something a horse waited for. He bolted and fled. The cougar came from out of the trees and bushes and it was clear that the short burst was all the beast was capable of. One leg wasn't working anymore because of a bullet right into the shoulder. Blood was dripping from one side. The big cat was hurt bad and judging by the look it gave the gunslinger it was hungry as well. It stood there at the edge of the trees, barely visible, but visible enough. Chris lifted his gun to shoot, but the cat slouched away again.

He closed his eyes for a moment. The movements and the aiming had made him dizzy. Fever, he knew. It would be real difficult to stay awake and alert. The cat could wait till he was out again and that filled him with dread. Even if he would wake up to an attack in time to shoot the beast again, it would be too close and probably mean more wounds. He could do without more wounds.

Movement to his right. He looked over and there it was again, going through the pile of dirty and blood-soaked cloth and the dried beef. It was too hungry and too much in pain to pay attention to a prey that could still move a little. It had found food. Chris took aim. He didn't like doing it this way, but he couldn't afford to let the cougar live. Still.

"Hey," he yelled. The big cat looked up, green eyes locking on his. Chris cocked his gun and suddenly the cougar seemed to sense it was in danger. It rose up, growling. Chris shot it right between the eyes.

"Not so dark now," he whispered. "Still, should a had ya the first time, when ya came down from that damn tree trunk."

Now he had another attraction for predators laying close by. How could this all get worse and worse? Pony would probably stay away now, with the smell of the cougar all around. He would miss him. All through the late afternoon, when he came too for a while, Pony had been there, like an anchor to reality. He had needed that and he had needed the added security. Pony would react when something dangerous would come and that meant he could sleep a bit.

Chris took the water canteen and sipped some water. With the fever getting worse, he needed to drink more, but it was all he had till his friends came. He blinked his eyes in the hope it would stop the spinning, licked his lips and then he whistled. After awhile he whistled again. And again.

Pony didn't come.

He was totally alone again.

Aw, hell, he'd survived worse, hadn't he? Yes, he had. He'd survived the loss of his family.

Chris decided it could all go to hell as far as he was concerned and grabbed the bottle of whiskey for a long, long pull. He looked up to the first stars that arrived and toasted them. Perhaps the whiskey would keep the memories at bay. It wasn't like he'd have the strength to clean his wounds again, so he could just as well drain the whole bottle.

He felt unconsciousness begging and hastily recapped the bottle. No need to spill any of it. It was all he had left. That was his last coherent thought before all the pain dragged him under again.

Chapter 8

Peso was a smart horse and Vin a determined man. So he rode on through the night, only stopping long enough to give Peso the rest he needed. Barely long enough. Vin felt sorry for his horse and had every intention of making it up to his steed later on. Right now, he knew Chris needed him, bad, and that took priority over everything else.

From time to time, he looked up towards the starry sky above. The night was bright and chilly. The stars looked really near.

"Seems like the dead are close by watching us tonight, Peso," he told the white blazed gelding. His only answer was an angry snort. Vin sighed. It would take some doing before Peso was going to forgive him this. Ah well, he could live with that. He couldn't live with the death of one willful, ornery, bad assed, no good gunslinger. He couldn't stand the idea of losing his best friend. If that happened, he didn't think he'd stay in Four Corners. The other five peace keepers had become close friends as well. Men he trusted, family almost, but it was Chris he had let into his soul.

He just couldn't lose that, couldn't lose that private man, the most private person he'd ever met. Except with him. It would mean he'd be all alone again and he didn't know if he could stand going back to that.

*Hold on Chris, please hold on!*

Chris was hot, so unbearably hot.

"Daddy, daddy, look, those deer, they are thirsty, just like the horses."

"I know Adam, I know. It's hard for the wild life too that it hasn't rained so long."

"Can't we give them some water?"

"I'm sorry Adam, I wouldn't know how. We still have some in the creek near the house, but they're afraid to come there."

He felt the sun hot on his head, on his body, everywhere. How could Adam stay so cheerful when it was so horribly, horribly hot?"

"Chris, Chris? Are you alright? You don't look so good."

"I'm fine Sarah, I'm fine. It's the heat."

"It is hot. I wish it would rain. What if even our creek loses its water?"

"Don't worry about that, Sarah. It's fed by its own spring, remember? But soon there won't be any grass left! The horses already have trouble finding enough food and we don't have the money to start buying food for them."

"We'll manage Chris. We'll always manage no matter what. We have each other."

They kissed, but the kiss dried on his lips and she seemed to dissolve in flames.

"SARAAAAH!"

Chris's eyes flew open. He had already worked his blanket off, now he tried to get rid of his duster as well. Pain flared up when he tried to get up enough to get his arms out. He fell back with a moan. God, he hurt.

Feverish eyes looked around. Sarah? Adam? Pony..?

No one? Where had they gone? Where was his home, where were the horses? His eyes fell on the canteen laying beside him and he grabbed it eagerly. It took an effort to open it with just one hand, but he did. A splash of the water fell over him and he loved the coolness. He needed a drink more though, so he tipped it to his mouth and drank the lovely, cool, moist bliss.

The canteen was empty before he'd had enough.

Something surfaced then, something about making the water last. I'm in trouble, he thought, looking at the empty canteen and then at the dark forest around him. I'm really in trouble. The fever was winning.

Fever. There was something about fever. Chris' eye fell on the sachet with tea herbs and something stirred in him, something he knew. Tea, willow bark tea. He took the sachet and opened it. In it he saw the small pieces of willow bark between the other herbs. Willow bark helped against fever, he remembered. He had to fight the fever.

But he was tired of fighting, so tired. He wanted his family.

Chris closed his eyes, willing himself to be with Sarah and Adam again. Sarah was there, looking worried at him.

"Sarah, wh...what's wrong?"

"Chris, are you alright? You don't look alright!"

"I'm fine, Sarah, really I am, just hot. Just hoping for some rain."

"Chris, where is Adam? Wasn't he with you?"

"Yes, yes he was. We saw some deer who were thirsty and it upset him. Oh, look, there he is, at the creek."

"He has a bucket, what's he going to do with that bucket, Chris?"

Chris smiled. He remembered this so well, little Adam, barely five, trying to get water to the deer he'd seen. He had ended up helping him bring some water to a stony basin a bit farther from the house, a place the deer could get to without the horses being in the way and scaring them off. And far enough from the house that they dared go to it. It had meant so much for his son. He needed so much to help the animals he saw suffering.

Adam was a really special boy. Chris looked around. Where was he now? And why was it even hotter? He turned around. Flames heated his face and body, flames engulfing his house. He heard the screams from his wife and son in the flames and desperately he flung himself into the flames. The flames were around him, consuming him, but he couldn't reach them, couldn't reach the screams.

"NOOOOOO! SARAAAAAH! ADAAAAM!"

No, no, don't leave me, don't leave me alone! I don't want to be alone!

He tried to get in farther in the flames, but suddenly something jerked him back. Chris fought the grip. He turned around to see what was holding him and the sorrowful brown eyes of Buck stared into his.

"It's too late Chris. There is nothing you can do. Stay! Stay with us, we need you now!"

Chris screamed and kicked at him. "Let me go, Buck, let me go! I have to save them!"

"Chris, Chris, please, don't! Don't die, please don't die!" Another pair of brown eyes looked into his.

"JD?"

"Please Chris, you promised! You promised you'd keep on fighting! If you die. I can't! It'll be because of me. You'll die because of me!"

"No, no JD, not your fault."

But JD was sitting on the street of Four Corners, looking like he had just died himself while Annie was carried out of the bank.

"JD?"

The brown eyes, full of horror over what had just happened, turned to him. "Please Chris, please. Don't do that to me, to Buck, to the others. Please, you promised."

"JD, I c...can't. I'm burning."

And then Vin was there. Blue eyes looked into his like a cool rain. Arms held him and carried him out of the flames. Hold on, Chris, hold on!

Vin?

Suddenly the lonely feeling he had carried around for so long as a hole inside his soul was filled. Vin was there.

Vin?

Ya hold on, Cowboy. Don't ya dare leave me alone! I ain't takin' it! Don't ya dare give up now and leave me.

Chris opened his eyes and looked up at the starry sky. Somewhere under these stars his friends were trying their damnedest to come and save him, he knew. Vin's eyes filled his vision again. Eyes that had somehow managed to ease the gaping hole inside him that had been there ever since the deaths of his wife and son.

Ya're not alone Cowboy, don't ya know that? Don't leave me.

I'll try, Vin, I'll try.

Something moved when he tried to shift. He looked down and saw the small sachet with tea herbs. The willow bark! With a grimace Chris took out some of the pieces and put them in his mouth. It was all he had to battle the fever with, that and his indomitable stubbornness.

Vin?

Ya hold on, Cowboy. Don't ya dare leave me alone! I ain't taking it! Don't ya dare give up now and leave me.

Vin rode on the whole night, his thoughts on Chris. Everything in him focused on sending his strength, his will towards Chris.

It was bad, he felt it. But all he could do was try to hold on to his feeling of Chris and keep on travelling.

Ya're not alone Cowboy, don't ya know that? Don't leave me.

I'll try, Vin, I'll try.

"Good, you better," he whispered to the night sky full of stars. So many stars! He hoped Chris would find comfort in them, some strength to keep fighting. It would still be a couple of hours at least before he reached him and Peso needed to rest again.

Cursing Vin stopped, only to be immediately contrite towards his horse. "Sorry Peso, ya're doin' incredible, really y' are! Don't know any other horse could a done what ya're doin' tonight. It's jist, well, I think I feel 'm slippin'. I can't let 'm go, Peso, not without a fight. Never had someone I b'long to before, 'cept you, and my ma a long time ago. Can't lose that again, jist can't!"

Peso butted his head against his owner and friend, having forgiven the man for the harsh ride. He felt the seriousness of the situation and wasn't being wilful anymore, just determined to do what Vin was asking of him. He dropped his weary head and started cropping the grass around him.

Vin petted him. "Ya take a good rest, Peso, ya earned it. And we ain't there yet."

Looking up again at the stars, he willed his thoughts again towards his friend.

Jist hang on Chris, jist hang on. Not long now and I'm with ya. Not long.

Alright Vin, I'll really try ta be here.

The gunslinger opened his eyes in an attempt to avoid the nightmares. He no longer saw his wife and son when he closed them. He only saw the fire consuming them, heard their cries for him to come and rescue them.

He wiped his right hand over his face, trying to get rid of the last one. Blue eyes had come and rescued him from it. Vin, clasping his arm in that unique gesture they had, and dragging him out of the fire into the nightmare of wakefulness.

Being awake wasn't as bad as the nightmares of the death of his family, but it was its own kind of hell. He hurt, he hurt so much. He'd tried to take a look at his arm, but hadn't been able to stop a shriek when the whole arm made itself felt. His chest was on fire and his legs hurt at least as much. With every little shift he made, he felt bones grind against each other.

The fever seemed to lessen a bit though. He looked into the sachet again. Maybe it was the willow bark, maybe the chill in the air. Where was his blanket, he was getting a bit cold?

Chris pulled the blanket over himself and took another piece of willow bark. He just hoped it wasn't poisonous when you took too much of it. He did know that his fever was dangerous, especially now that he no longer had any water, and that it would take his friends at least the whole next day to get here. The willow bark was the only thing he had to fight back.

Another bitter piece went into his mouth. Suddenly he decided to keep it in his mouth instead of chewing and swallowing it. Something Nathan once had said, about some medicines working the best by keeping them long in the mouth, because the stomach was full of stuff to digest food and could make some medicines useless. But through the very thin skin in the mouth some medicines could be easily absorbed, directly into the bloodstream. He decided to try if willow bark was better absorbed through the mouth than the stomach as well. He would eventually swallow it all anyway.

Something big crashed through the brushes and wearily Chris grabbed his gun. He didn't even know if he had reloaded his weapon at all at any time and he didn't have the strength to check it. Hell, he didn't have the strength to lift it anymore.

A big shadow ambled easily towards him.

"P...Pony? You're back?"

A soft muzzle pressed against his neck and warm breath tickled him. "Eehw! Pony, don't!" He caressed the satin nose, obliged the happy horse by scratching between his ears and suddenly felt a lot better. Pony was back. Despite the dead cougar laying a bit further on, the black gelding had come back to him. It made him believe that he would see his friends here as well. Maybe he would make it out of here after all.

The last thing he took in before the fever dragged him under again was Pony lowering his body and laying down next to him. His hand was resting on his horse's neck when he lost consciousness once more.

Chapter 9

Pony whinnied and got up in a hurry. A challenge could be heard in the black's neighing, but also a greeting. An answer came back. A second horse came in a trot through the trees and bushes, stopping close to where Pony was ready and waiting.

"Oh God, Chris!"

The buckskin-clad rider on the newly arrived horse threw himself off the back of his steed and practically flew to the still body lying between blankets, saddle and stuff that was thrown around at random. The body never stirred.

"Chris! Don't ya dare! Don't ya dare 've died on me! I swear I'll go straight ta hell and yank yer ass right back here!"

Despite his words, he knelt carefully next to the black clad man. With great tenderness he stroked the blond hair out of the fever flushed face and felt for a pulse in the long, slender neck. For a moment there was panic in his blue eyes, followed by immense relief. The hand moved to the long forehead.

"God, ya're burning up Cowboy. What 'appened? Chris? Chris?"

Taking his canteen he carefully dropped some water into Chris' mouth.

"Come on Cowboy, show yer green glare, jist fer me! Come on Chris, come back!"

More water followed, slowly and carefully poured into the gunslinger's throat. Chris swallowed some, a moan followed and he started to drink slowly from the water Vin offered him.

Finally dull green eyes opened to look in radiant blue ones.

"Chris!"

"V...Vin? Why look s...so hap...py?"

Vin couldn't help it, he wore a grin as big as Texas. "God, Chris! Fer a moment I thought, I was afraid. But here y'are and already complainin'. 'S Good ta hear ya gripe 'bout something again, you ornery, contrary scrawny Cowboy!"

Chris scowled. "Ain't...ain't a...cowboy."

"Perhaps, but ya sure are a mess! What 'appened?"

Chris didn't know where he found the strength, but he managed to look incredulous at the infuriating Texan at his side.

"Wh...what 'appened? A tree's what 'appened! And a d...damn cou...gar! Got him though. SHIT!"

"Chris? Chris, what's wrong?"

"J...just hurt like hell! Leg...bones shift. Arm, ch...chest, head ache."

Vin looked Chris over while the blond named his hurts. The legs, the chest, the arm. Carefully he lifted the left arm and Chris immediately screamed. Two horses at once bolted away.

"Ah Hell," Vin sighed. "Guess Peso wasn't that happy 'bout bein' here in the first place, with that damn dead cougar lying around. Beast got ya good, pard."

Chris couldn't answer. He was too busy trying to keep from screaming again.

Vin carefully took off the bandage and looked at the wounds. "Looks like someone took good care a this, though. Prob'ly saved it, I mean, it's cleaned good, isn't it. Who did that, you got someone come along?"

"I...d...did that!"

"You." Vin looked at the arm. "But how? Looks like a tough job, pard. And ya had somethin' ta clean it with then?"

"Y...yeah, tough, don't I kn...know it! Pony came back, with a...alcohol, saved m...arm I think. You watch or do. something? Infected again, isn't it?"

"A bit, not much. Guess I better make a fire and get ta tending ya."

Vin carefully wrapped the bandage loosely around the arm again before laying it back down. His blue eyes met the pain filled green ones.

"Don't worry, pard. I'll take care of ever'thing from now on. Y' ain't alone anymore."

Chris looked after the strong, lithe body in buckskin striding away to get wood for a fire and everything else that was needed to help the blond.

Y' ain't alone anymore

No, he wasn't. He wasn't alone anymore. He closed his eyes, breathing easier because he knew someone he trusted had his back. Someone who had ridden like the devil to get to him on time, who had invaded his nightmares to tell him not to quit.

He hadn't been alone for months now and the realization was...strange. Because he still missed his family as much as ever. That hadn't changed one bit.

The hole in his soul wasn't that raw and empty anymore though. That gaping loneliness had been filled up again with friendship and trust. It felt good. It didn't diminish the pain, the aching loss inside, but it did feel better than it had in a long time.

He looked up at Vin walking towards him with an arm full of wood and smiled. Vin smiled back, a smile that lit up his entire face and made the bright blue eyes sparkle.

Yep, here they were in this shitty situation, and Vin looked goddamn happy!

It was rough. Vin first took care of Peso and Pony, fast, and than he descended on Chris. He cleaned the wounds from the cougar all over with the last of the whiskey; put a new bandage around his arm and managed to bandage his chest, holding him up against his leg and wrapping the bandages around him. He helped Chris clean up a little and gave him his spare shirt to wear. It gave Vin a good time, ribbing him about not wearing black for a change.

"Or that awful grey y' got on sometimes. Strange idea of color ya got, pard! Look at ya, red really suits ya!"

"Just get me m...my duster, gotta c...cover this up!"

Vin laughed, but helped him put it on again. He had tried to get the worst of the blood off and luckily the shirts had been between the wound and the duster. He helped get Chris' bedroll straightened out, now with his saddle behind him to lean against, and that left him two blankets to cover him again.

It was all highly embarrassing to Chris, getting undressed, bathed and dressed by another, and that a man as well. To say nothing about the fact that he couldn't even get cleaned where he needed it the most, because a damn tree was laying over it. When Vin noticed something, while he was checking if he could maybe dig the earth from under Chris' legs and get him free that way, Chris just turned his head and wouldn't look at him again until Vin literally pushed some broth under his nose. He had started the broth from the trail food in his saddlebags before cleaning the wounds, so he would have something to eat for the blond. Chris had been without food for some days now and needed something.

There would be no digging the blond free, he soon discovered. Only a very thin layer of soil covered what was mostly hard rock. It explained nicely why there was such a lovely clearing in this spot between the beautiful, giant trees. Vin was still cursing about it when he was ladling the broth in a mug.

He sighted sadly when he saw that Chris still wouldn't meet his eyes.

"Chris," he said softly, "it's alright ya know."

"No, it's not."

"Gittin' that damn tree on yer legs, no, that ain't alright. But what ya can't help, ya can't help. You'd held it aginst me if I'd been laying here?"

Chris looked at him. "Course I wouldn't! Damn, Tanner! How 'd ya 've f...felt if it HAD been you?"

Vin had become beet red and mumbled something.

"Got nothing more ta say 'b...bout...it!"

The broth didn't exactly go down well, in fact, it all came up again pretty soon, but this time there was someone to catch it for him and get it out of the way. A fire was burning merrily close by. Pony came to happily stand close by him. The early morning sun conjured up bright colors in the middle of the forest shadows and his best friend, the man who now occupied the place where his soul once had consisted only of a deep emptiness, was sitting close by breathing tunelessly through his harmonica. All in all, things were looking up again. If he just didn't feel so lousy.

"Chris? Need anything?"

"W...water?"

"Coming up. Here ya go. Man, ya're burning up!"

"Feels that way."

"Better try and cool ya down."

"'s Okay. Better 'n it was."

"Ya was worse?"

No answer, Chris had lost the fight against oblivion again. Truth be told, with Vin there to guard him, and totally sick of being in pain all the time, he hadn't fought it hard. Vin shook his head. Chris was such a mess as it was, he couldn't believe it had been worse and his friend had been all alone to deal with it.

No more, pard, he thought. Ya don't have ta worry no more. I got yer back!

Chapter 10

That's how Buck and Nathan found them at the end of the day, Chris out and Vin guarding him and trying to cool him down with wet clothes.

Buck and Nathan were tired. Their horses were tired as well, and on top of it all, the two were very irritated with each other and hardly spoke a word.

Vin decided he didn't want to know. He let Nathan get to Chris and went with Buck to check the thick branch that held Chris prisoner. They agreed the best course would be to chop the damn thing off the main trunk. It seemed like the only way.

"Just have ta make sure we don't chop into his legs," Buck said somberly. The sight of Chris, unconscious, helplessly trapped and wounded badly by a cougar to boot, had made his mood spiral down even more. He already knew that JD would deal very badly with the fact that Chris had been attacked by a cougar while lying helpless and abandoned under that damn tree. JD had had no choice. Hadn't really abandoned Chris, but he saw some very hard moments coming up trying to convince the young man of that.

"Let's see if Nate's done, and then I guess we start hacking," Vin suggested. Buck nodded and they both went back to Nathan and Chris.

"How's he doin'?" Vin wanted to know.

"Fever's high, but not so high it's dangerous," Nathan told him. "I'm tellin' ya Vin, could've been a lot worse, what with them damn wounds!"

"Was worse," Vin told him. "He was hotter than now when I found 'm. Told me he was feelin' better though then he had."

"Probably 'cause ya did a real good job on cleaning them wounds," Nathan smiled up at him. "Ya had ta ride like the devil ta be here on time fer saving that arm. If ya had't come and cleaned them good, I don't know if the arm still could a been saved. Saw from the wounds ya had ta use a knife ta cut them open ta drain them?"

Vin blanched. "He had ta cut them open? You sure?"

"Yeah, well, that's what the wounds tell me. Ya didn't cut them? Really? How could I've been so wrong, almost never am."

"What? Oh, oh ya're prob'ly right, gotta ask Chris though. He done it himself. Wound jist started ta git infected a little bit again when I got here. Wasn't no problem ta clean that out. Was hardly nothin'. He'd done it all 'fore I got here."

The three men looked at the blond, who lay in ignorant bliss while his friends were discussing him. They weren't really prepared for the image Vin's words conjured up, Chris, all alone, having just survived a cougar attack, only to have to cut himself with a knife some time later.

"At least the cougar's dead," Buck said, eyeing the hide, cleaned, scraped and hanging out over some branches to dry in the sun. "Don't tell me Chris skinned the damn beast hisself as well!"

Vin laughed. "Nope, he jist shot it. With Chris mostly out of it and them wounds taken care of real good, there wasn't much ta do 'sides keep 'm cooled down and watch 'm. Thought he really deserved that skin."

"Ya think he'd want a reminder of the past day 'n nights. They must a been tough."

"Don't know, but he did win his fight with the damn cougar, so he's entitled. Could always sell it."

At that moment Chris moaned. He seemed to try and move himself. Suddenly he screamed and his eyes flew open. He tried to sit up, but Nathan and very soon also Vin kept him down.

"Burns, burns. No, don't let them burn! Don't."

Vin gripped Chris' right hand. "Chris, Chris, ya're dreamin' Cowboy. Nobody's burnin'. Jist look at me, nobody's burnin'."

For a moment it looked like Chris would slip back into his nightmares again. Instead the green eyes lost their glassy look and Chris looked into his friend's face.

"Vin? Y' alright?"

"Hey Cowboy, why y' ask? I ain't the one who got stuck under a tree and attacked by some damn cougar."

"Remember...remember you looking sad. And a bit angry? Ya got me out, outta the burning. I tr...tried ta get to Sarah...and A...Adam. And ya got...mad, told me not...to leave you."

The eyes closed again. Chris missed how white Vin suddenly became.

"Vin?" Nathan asked, worried. "Vin, what is it?"

Vin's stricken eyes looked at him. "I never said that to him, Nate, never! Jist, jist thought it! Thought about 'im, here, all alone, when I was coming here, and I jist, jist thought it. Felt at some point like he was slipping away out there and I thought he'd better not leave me. He'd better not."

Vin was staring at the gunslinger again. Nate put his hand on the young man's shoulder and gripped it.

"Ain't got nothing I c'n say to that, Vin. I just know there's somethin' there, between ya two. Might be somehow ya got here, in yer mind, and helped him fight."

Vin said nothing, just held Chris' hand. Chris seemed at peace at the moment, but suddenly a grimace of pain shadowed his handsome face. He opened his eyes again.

"Shit, that hurts."

"What hurts, Chris?" Nathan immediately wanted to know. Chris shifted his gaze from Vin to Nathan. "Is it yer arm, yer chest?"

"Yeah, but mostly my...my legs. Think I tried ta move. WOW! SHIT! God, they got worse, Nate!"

Vin and Buck looked at each other. Then Vin jumped up and they both headed for the axes. That tree wasn't going to have Chris as his prisoner much longer. Both armed with one of the big axes, they as one headed towards the base of the branch that held Chris pinned, weapons ready and in hand. Vin cool and totally set to finally get Chris free and comfortable. This had been going on way too long as it was. Buck full of fire and with a burning need to DO something. Something that would help him vent his rage. He desperately needed that, needed to somehow lose the horrible images of Chris lying here all alone, hurt, bleeding, and forced to cut open and drain his own wounds. It was an image that deeply upset the big hearted man and the tree was going to pay!

Soon the sound of two axes thumping away at the wood could be heard for miles around. Vin and Buck fought with the thick branch with a vengeance, pausing only now and then to get some water. Soon the branch started to crack and to sag...and Chris screamed!

"Shit! What are ya doin', ya idiots?" Nathan suddenly was there, trying to keep the branch from sagging over and resting with even more weight on Chris' legs. "I thought ya had thought this through. Ya can't jist drop it all on his legs, the pressure's more 'n enough as it is now! Help me!"

"Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck!" Buck was already there, putting his body under the branch to keep it in its former position as well. "Now what?"

"We gotta keep this up, keep it from crashing down on him. Ya idiots! I thought ya were chopping off them side branches. How do ya wanna get this branch off with all them side branches still attached. Jist let them scrape all over him when we pull this one away?"

"Aw, Nate, we just wanted him freed!"

"Ya gotta think first, Buck, ya gotta think! Ya don't git somewhere if ya hurt yer horses so much ya can't ride them anymore! Or ya're too tired ta be of any good! Vin was here already, ya knew that! And this, this was plain stupid!"

"Don't start, Nate! I just felt we could' a been here a lot sooner!"

"You two, can it!" Vin suddenly hollered. "I don't care what ya were all fighting about on yer way here. We gotta deal with that damn branch first!"

Silence followed his outburst. Then the men heard a soft chuckle. It was Chris. He was looking at his three friends, all wild eyed and dishevelled, two hardly visible from between all the wood, one with a head red from anger. He chuckled again.

"Glad ya're havin' so much fun, Chris," Nathan told him a bit stiff. "But in case ya hadn't noticed, it's yer legs we're tryin' ta save. Vin, find somethin' ta keep this up."

Vin looked around, then mumbled something.

"What? Preferably this day, would ya?" Buck called out at him sarcastically. "What ya goin' on about?"

"I don't see anything. Not somethin' I kin lift alone! Ya maybe got an idea over there? Ya could think along, 'stead of only huggin' that damn tree!"

"Hugging? Hugging? Why you..." Buck could only sputter the rest.

"Shut up, both a you," Nate ordered. "We gotta think. What? What did ya say, Chris?"

"Maybe...saddles? They're higher than m... my...legs?"

"Now ya're talking," Vin said in obvious relief. "Glad one here 's still thinking. I'm gonna git 'm."

Soon he had put down his, Buck's, and Nathan's saddles in such a way that the tree branch would come to rest on them when getting loose from the main trunk. Buck and Vin now targeted all the side branches attached to it, and Nathan went to see how the blond was doing.

"Ya look like ya're in a lot of pain, Chris. Listen, I got some tea for ya, and I want ta give ya some laudanum 'gainst the pain."

"Hate l...laudanum, makes me groggy., sl...sleepy."

"Yeah, well, ya're already groggy as it is and sleeps good for ya. Now, drink up. It'll be good ta be without pain fer a while."

"Horrible, m...makes me feel sick."

"Ya're also already sick, Chris, so it all makes no difference. Now, come on. Truth be told, I want ya out before we git that tree off ya. Gonna be a rough enough ride gittin' it totally off ya and then I'll have ta take care of yer legs. Ya think one is broken, don't ya?"

"F...felt bones move."

"Aw, Hell. Means I gotta reset it."

In the end Chris drank the laudanum, cursed but also drank the tea, and finally slipped into unconsciousness again. It gave Nathan the opportunity to take the third axe and help clear as much wood away from the thick branch pinning Chris down as possible. It was beginning to get dark and they didn't want Chris trapped another night. Removing the branch would be safer with light to see, though.

"Man's too stubborn fer his own good," he lamented against Vin and Buck about Chris' initial refusal to take the laudanum.

Vin smirked. "He might've thought we might need his brains again, ta git us out of a fix if we do something stupid agin."

"Wonder why he would think that?" Nathan asked innocently and the two men shared a heartfelt laugh, a laugh that had more to do with their relief that Chris seemed about to be saved than with the funniness of the joke. Buck scowled at them, which set the two off again.

Finally the branch was gone and Chris was free. Nathan immediately started examining Chris' legs. "Seems the right one got the brunt. It's broken alright and I'm gonna need yer help setting it. The left one seems black an blue, and full of scratches, but it's okay. Nothing broken there."

Vin and Buck looked at each other, reading the relief in one another's eyes. "Thank God!" the ladies' man said with force.

"Yeah," Tanner breathed.

"Does have a nasty wound on his hips here though, has bled a lot, luckily it stopped. Gotta clean that real good. He got spare clothing? He really needs cleaning."

"Think he's got pants left."

"Yeah, well, git one a mine. Those tight jeans a his are hell ta git over bandaged wounds! And it's an old one, don't mind we have ta cut a leg off for the splinting."

They were happy men when they held Chris down, while Nathan set the bones in his right leg and splinted it securely between two pieces of wood. Chris came around, screaming and fighting during the setting, but he wasn't fully awake and soon after he went under again. The light in the sky had long gone and everything was done by firelight. Afterwards the three men hung around the fire, all of them keeping a close eye on the blond. Chris looked alright, they had to admit. Way too white, but his fever didn't rise and the laudanum induced sleep made him look at peace.

"Had ta be rough," Buck said. "Stuck here all alone, with a cougar trying ta get him. How was he, Vin, when ya got here?"

"Like I said, seemed past the worst," Vin told him. "Fever was still pretty bad but goin' down. Don't know how that would a gone without me cooling him the rest a the day though."

They looked again at their comrade and leader.

"Hope that wagon gets here soon," Buck stated. "Time ta git him home!"

Chapter 11

The night was peaceful. Chris sometimes started to mutter and mumble, the words Sarah and Adam definitely there, but Vin had spread his bedroll right beside his friend and instantly awoke as soon as he heard Chris. He would touch the blond and murmur reassuring words to him until his friend was back to a peaceful sleep.

After a particularly bad dream, Vin fell asleep with his arm still over Chris' chest, unable for a moment to let go of this man he could have so easily lost. He needed the reassurance that he still had his friend, still wasn't alone anymore as badly as Chris needed an anchor to reality.

Chris held Sarah close to him. "I miss you so much, you and Adam," he whispered in her ear. She hugged him back and kissed him, softly, slowly.

"We are right here, Chris, right here."

"No, you're not. Not anymore." He stroked some escaped strands of her beautiful hair out of her face. "Oh Sarah, I've been so lonely without you two, so alone."

"Are you Chris? Alone?"

Vin opened his eyes when he heard Chris mutter again and gently shook him.

"Easy Chris, it's jist a dream pard, jist a dream. Ya're safe. I'll keep ya safe, I swear!"

"Vin?" Before Vin could reply, Chris' eyes closed again.

"Are you alone, Chris?" Sarah asked again.

"Not anymore."

She clasped her arms around him. "Not anymore, my husband, my love. Not anymore."

"Daddy?"

"Hi son." Chris scooped Adam up into his arms.

"Daddy, ya gonna leave us?"

"Yeah. I've got no choice Adam, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry! Hey, buddy. Big smile, huh? Come here, you." He hugged the little boy close. "Take care of your mommy, okay? You promise?"

"Uh-huh. Good bye daddy."

He saw them standing there, Adam trying to look tall, but still a bit sad. Sarah with one hand on Adam's shoulder, radiating that glow she had had when she was pregnant with Adam. Her other hand was protectively over her belly. His heart constricted when he saw her standing like that.

Tears started to fall. He couldn't stop them. He would never know, never know.

And then it happened again. Fire was consuming them, both of them. Hot, it was so hot. He couldn't get to them. Had to get them out!

Chris was screaming and thrashing again. "NOOOOOOO! No, no fire, no fire! NOOO!"

"Chris, Chris, I'm here, I'm right here. Ya're safe, there's no fire! Chris, wake up, wake up! It's me, Vin! I'll keep ya safe Cowboy, let go of it, I'll keep ya safe."

Chris opened confused eyes and looked into Vin's. "V...Vin?"

"I'm here pard, right here. Ya're safe, I ain't gonna leave ya. Ya're safe."

Chris smiled at his best friend.

"You're here," he whispered.

"Yep, and I ain't gonna go anywhere, I'm where I gotta be."

"Good."

"Yeah, it is. So you jist relax, I got yer back."

When the dawn started to bring light to the small open glade where the four peacekeepers had made their camp, Chris' fever broke.

The sun was shining again and dappling the forest floor around him. Chris tried to get up a bit more. He gasped when the pain of his arm and leg hit him. Instantly hands were there to help him sit a bit straighter.

"That better?" Vin asked.

Not trusting his voice just then Chris only nodded. He felt better anyway, no longer dizzy or so nauseated. He looked at his legs and saw that only one was splinted.

"B...bad?" he rasped.

"Nope, you were lucky." Nathan. He looked up and saw his friend standing a bit further by the fire. He was putting something in a mug and Chris had the feeling he wouldn't like what was going in there.

"That branch didn't fall with all its weight on yer legs. Some side branches held it off a bit. Only one leg broken and it's only broken in two places. Clean breaks. Was shifted some, but no trouble ta set it again."

"Good. Thought ya might've to...re...rebreak it."

"Nope, but it shouldn't 've been much longer."

He came over and handed the mug to Chris. Chris eyed it suspiciously.

"Yeah, well, ya know it helps with the fever. And infections too."

"Yeah."

Both his friends laughed at the sound of long suffering in his voice. He just sighed and started sipping the hot tea. At least it was hot.

"How long.?"

"Let's see...." Nathan answered. "We came in here yesterday late afternoon. Vin was here already."

"Yep, came in early mornin'. Real early, was barely light."

"Really? Must've ridden like the devil. Ya didn't take off that long before us, did ya?"

"Took of b'fore dawn. And y'all probably that afternoon?"

"Yep, afternoon. JD 'd been riding like the devil. Left you the day before that, so that makes it...three days 'n three nights now."

"Can't remember much 'bout yesterday."

"Can imagine. Ya had a high fever. Vin said it'd been even worse. He'd been trying to cool ya down all day."

Chris looked at Vin, saw the tired eyes. "Remember that. Fire, and you pulling me out, again and again. Sarah and Adam."

He looked away, not wanting to let them see the tears he suddenly felt in his eyes.

"'s alright, Cowboy. Ya been calling out fer them a lot. But there were times ya were smilin' too, so I guess ya had some good dreams too."

"Yeah, about our time together." He looked at Vin again. "I just miss them Vin, a lot."

Vin grasped his right arm and Chris grasped it back in that arm shake that was theirs alone.

Nathan looked away for a moment, feeling like he intruded on a private moment that wasn't his. At that moment Buck ambled over. The rogue's face lit up when he saw that Chris awake and sitting up more straight.

"Chris! You old dog, how are ya?"

"Buck! You here too? God, I didn't empty out the town, did I?"

"Ya sure have! Josiah and JD are following with a wagon, so that only leaves good ol' Ez ta guard the town. They'll survive. How ya feeling?"

"Fine. I'm fine, Buck."

Buck grinned. "Don't look fine, pard. Look like death warmed over. Still, good ta see ya lucid fer a change. Makes a nice change of personality!"

Chris had to smile. He and Vin let go of each other and Vin started to help him get the blankets back up. Chris stopped him, frowning. "That's your blanket, Vin. Where's..?"

His eyes trailed to some bushes where he saw his blanket and trousers hanging, obviously wet and put up there to dry. He turned bright red when it hit him what had been done.

"Shit!"

"Chris, had ta be done, let it go. Ain't none here that minded."

"I do." Vin hardly caught the softly whispered words. He gripped the blond's shoulder til Chris finally looked him in the eye again.

"I don't," he whispered back. "Jist mighty glad ya're still here, Cowboy, mighty glad."

"Yeah", Buck said, his voice sounding a bit rough, and Nathan just nodded.

Chris looked at his friends and saw the truth in their eyes. Just something they didn't mind doing for him, like riding themselves and their horses into exhaustion, to get him freed from under that tree. All of them had been prepared to do that, for him. It was a hard concept to grasp for the solitary man. A hesitant smile grew and he nodded his thanks to his three friends. Three broad smiles answered him back.

Nathan came closer to check the wounds and his legs. Chris hissed when the black healer started to prod and poke everything and renewed bandages. He was sweating and feeling a lot worse when his friend was finally done.

"Things are going well, Chris," the healer assured him.

"Yeah? Could a fooled me."

"I did offer ya some laudanum."

"H...hate that stuff! Makes me groggy...and slow. Can't afford slow."

"You can now, pard. We're here ta guard yer back," Buck assured him.

"I know, Buck. Just don't wanna..."

"...give over all control," Vin smiled.

Chris smiled back at him. Buck and Nathan looked at each other and gave a deep sigh.

"Chris, I wanted t' ask ya something." The healer had picked up a sachet with tea herbs, the one he knew he'd given Chris for the journey, just in case. "Found this open beside ya. Was wondering 'bout that."

"Oh, yeah, that. Couldn't make tea. Knew I needed something for the fever. So I chewed some willow bark from that."

"What all did happen here, stud?" Buck asked, seriously now.

"Happened? Not much. Saw the tree topple over, right where JD stood. Pushed him out of the way but wasn't fast enough, so I got caught myself. Finally got JD to get help and got really bored after that." He looked at Buck. "Got to dreamin' bout Sarah and Adam, Buck, like I was with them again."

Buck wordlessly pressed his shoulder, giving silent comfort.

"Would've been alright if it hadn't been fer that damn cougar. Couldn't see him well enough, until it was too late. Was a bitch to clean those wounds." He looked at Nathan worriedly. "My arm really alright, Nate? Was badly infected when I got to taking care of it. Had to..." He swallowed, "had to cut real deep to get it clean enough. Did I get it all?"

"Ya did, Chris. Good thing ya did too or I don't know if y'd been able ta keep that arm. Teeth marks, deep ones and 'specially from a predator, they're bad, real bad. Get infected fast and ghastly. It's good ya got in deep, and Vin's been keeping an eye on it since he got here. I got it cleaned good with carbolic since yesterday. Chest too, so it should be alright."

"Good. Kept seeing a bl...bloody stump!"

"Don't look like that's gonna happen. Now, I got some broth too, so why don't I give ya that. Don't seem like ya had nothing ta eat all them days up here."

"No, wasn't hungry though. Still ain't."

"Yeah, well, ya gotta eat. And afterwards, more tea."

Chris groaned. It took some coaxing and more threats to get him to drink both. After that he was eased down. He refused to go down totally flat on his back though. Vin understood, resting against something made Chris less vulnerable than flat on his back, so he just ignored Nathan in this and made sure Chris was comfortably lying against his saddle again.

Nathan at last just threw his hands up and walked away, muttering. Chris, Vin and Buck grinned at each other.

At the end of that day a wagon was heard rumbling and creaking on the trail. Vin and Buck immediately went to investigate and came back with Josiah and JD. They all walked in on a little war.

"Nate, just help me up!"

"No! That's still a double break and ya're still weak from all that fever. Listen Chris, I got a bottle right here, what's the big deal? How ya think we did this when ya were still half under with fever?"

"NATE! Fine, I'll get up alone."

"NO, YOU WON'T! NOW STAY DOWN AND DON'T BE SUCH A PIG HEAD!"

"SHIT!"

Vin hurried over, helping Chris sit up. "Why can't he get on his feet fer jist a short ways?" He asked Nathan accusingly. "Thought ya had splinted his leg up good?"

"Yeah, well, better ta wait til the bones start growing together 'fore ya put pressure on it."

"Right, so we won't put pressure on it. Come on, Chris, Buck'll help as well."

It was JD who was suddenly under his other arm though.

"JD!" Chris smiled one of his very rare full bloom smiles. "You okay, kid?"

"Yeah, I am. Sorry Chris, wanted to be here sooner, but they made me ride in the wagon. We only stopped ta rest the horses though. Been riding most of the night ta git here today."

"Good. Wouldn't mind leaving this place."

Chris looked aside at the hide of the cougar, still hanging over some branches of the fallen tree. JD looked at it as well. "Buck told us you'd been attacked by a cougar. That you're in a bad shape. I'm really sorry, Chris. If it hadn't been for me."

"Can it, JD! Ain't your fault that damn tree toppled over. Ain't your fault either that I wasn't fast enough."

JD stopped, looking up incredulously at Chris. "Not fast enough? You saved my life! You were moving faster to me than I'd ever seen anyone move! How can ya say that?"

"Still got caught by the thing, didn't I?"

"Shit, I don't believe you're saying this!"

Vin grinned. "Don't let it bother ya, JD. He's jist a hardhead. Come on, let's leave him fer a while and then git 'm back to his bedroll."

JD and Vin turned to leave Chris some privacy. It gave him the feeling that finally he was getting a grip on things again.

That night the six leaned around the fire and their leader. Buck and Josiah tried to outdo each other in bawdy stories. Nathan and Vin teased them in every way they could think of and Chris and JD let it all come over them. Chris was laying back against his saddle, like usual not really contributing much to the conversations, but not missing anything that was going on either.

Finally he stared hard at JD. The young man hadn't said much, hadn't tried to tell jokes and had been studying him all evening now. He tried to hide it, looking away fast when Chris looked at him, but Chris hadn't missed the scrutiny.

When JD surreptitiously looked back again, Chris was staring hard at him. JD sighed. He knew Chris missed nothing, so what had he expected? Chris kept staring and the message was clear, he wanted to know what was on JD's mind. JD squirmed.

Unexpectedly Buck leaned over. "Stop studying him. Jist go over and tell him what's on yer mind. He ain't in a condition ta eat ya."

"Could still shoot me, Buck." Both looked at the cougar hide.

"Guess he could. But something 's eating ya, so jist go over and git it of yer chest."

"But, but, it's Chris!" JD hissed.

"Yep, ornery son of a bitch, not really nice, but still a friend, ain't he?"

JD turned red. How did he tell Buck he didn't think of Chris as a friend? Saw him more as a...a... He suddenly couldn't find a word for what Chris meant to him. He just knew he admired him, a lot. He also didn't understand him at all!

The decision was taken from him by Chris himself. "JD?" the soft voice suddenly said. "Come here. We need ta talk."

JD looked at his feet for a moment, than at Chris. He shook himself mentally and scuffled over to the blond. When he plopped down next to Chris, he stared at his feet again, not wanting to look the gunslinger in the eye.

Chris waited til the others had resumed their conversation, then for a fleeting moment touched JD's arm. "JD, what 's eating ya?"

JD hesitated before he looked into Chris' eyes. For a moment those green, mesmerizing eyes held his and he couldn't look away again. With a gasp he freed himself and went back to staring at his feet.

"JD? If you're still feeling guilty, you know that's plain stupid. Ya had ta get help. There was no other way."

"You were under that tree 'cause a me, Chris." Looking up again, he asked the question that had been burning inside of him. "Why Chris? Why did ya do it? Why did ya risk getting' killed ta save me? Why? I don't even know if ya like me."

"Like you? JD, I like you. What's that gotta do..? You didn't really expect me to let ya get squashed by a tree and do nothing?"

"If you'd been killed, Chris. You've no right to swap yerself fer me! No right! The town needs you more!"

Chris sighed and pushed his hand through his hair. "I've never heard such bull. Town don't need me at all. You're a good man, JD. You got a full life ahead of ya. A girl that really likes ya. Chance to make a difference. And you will. You got courage, a great heart. Yeah, you'll make a difference! Me, I'm just washed out. So if it's about who should live, that was no hard choice at all."

JD gasped and suddenly Chris realized everyone had gone deathly quiet. They all looked at him.

"What?" he asked irritated, seeing the scowls and angry looks.

"Ya're every bit right 'bout JD, but that don't mean ya have ta sell yerself short," Buck said angry.

"Weren't fer you and Vin, I'd be dead now, so don't talk 'bout yerself like ya don't make no difference. Ya do," Nathan stated.

"Ya brought us together, son, and ya're keeping us together. Even Ezra is still with our group. That's achievement in itself. But it's even more of an achievement because of the difference we make." Josiah smiled. "Taking on those six or ten to one odds," he said in fond remembrance.

Chris scowled at them.

"Yep, you got good plans and the devil's luck when it comes ta taking on the bad element!" Buck whooped. "Ten to one odds, huh, Josiah? Which one was that?"

"Hell, son, it was when we got Lucas James from the James' Ranch."

"Ah, the one I had ta git yer asses out of the fire later on, when they all came after ya. Shame I missed the party at the ranch though."

"Yep, was a real party."

Buck and Josiah started telling tales again, this time from the adventures they had had since they had became the seven peacekeepers for Four Corners. Nathan put in his two cents as well, not to be outdone and the stories got taller and taller.

This time Vin was as silent as Chris. They looked at each other, Vin's blue eyes hard and angry. Chris flinched for a moment, but didn't look away. Finally Vin stood up, came over and kneeled beside Chris.

"You ever make a remark like that, like ya make no difference, I shoot ya myself," he hissed and stalked off, not looking back.

Chris followed him with his eyes. Then he saw JD again, still sitting next to him. The boy looked uncomfortable.

"Vin's really angry with you, Chris."

"Yeah."

Later on he was wakened briefly out of a restless sleep when Vin came back. Like last night, he laid himself right beside Chris. Chris smiled briefly at the tracker and saw Vin scowl back. He fell asleep again, but this time it was a deep, restful sleep.

EPILOGUE

The journey back to Four Corners in the wagon was rough on Chris. The jolting made him hurt all over and made him nauseous again. The fever came back that first evening on the trail, as the deep wound in his thigh turned out to be infected. After they were back, they managed to keep Chris all of a week in Nathan's clinic, partly because the first three days he was far too much out of it to know where he was. Now it was two weeks since his release and Chris was hobbling through town as much as he wanted. Right now he was sitting outside the jail, his mending leg on a stool in front of him, book in hand.

All by himself again, JD noticed. It never had bothered him before, but ever since that lonely ride back to Four Corners, knowing that he had had to leave Chris all on his own in the wilderness trapped under that horrible tree, it had stuck with him, the way Chris held himself away from others so much. These weeks back in Four Corners, he had started to watch Chris, keeping track of how much time the grim gunslinger stayed on his own.

It was a lot of time and he didn't think it had anything to do with a broken leg and hurting arm.

He thought he did it unobtrusively, but lately Buck had asked if he was afraid Chris would drop dead after all. Nathan had asked if something was wrong with him. Ezra wanted to know if he was trying to pry a secret from the gunslinger and if it was worth a bet. Vin had started to glare at him. Only Josiah had known why he was looking.

"Just ask him, JD," he had told the youth, giving him a pat on the back JD still felt hours later. He had the distinct feeling Josiah didn't approve of what he did either.

If they all knew, you could bet Chris knew too.

At that moment Chris looked up from his book, straight at him. That had happened more often than not the last two weeks as well. JD felt his color rise. It was all so damn embarrassing. But he just had to understand.

Watching Chris didn't help him understand one bit though. He sighed and turned to go. The moment he did, the green eyes dropped back to the book and Chris eased further down into his chair. A moment later, Vin was there as well, taking the chair next to Chris. Both men looked at each other, then Vin looked towards him and just shook his head. The two men looked at each other again, not saying one word. Still, Vin stood up and very purposefully walked towards him.

Aw shit! JD decided it was way past bolting time and took a dive into the alley at his left. It didn't help. Vin was there within the minute.

"Eh, hi Vin."

"Cut it out, JD. It's been long enough! Chris may think he should a let ya git to it in yer own sweet time, but it's startin' ta eat at 'im, not knowing what ya want. Not ta mention it's gettin' damn embarrassing. So ya go over there right NOW and talk ta him! Got that?"

"I don't think it's any of yer business Vin."

"I make it my business!" A very firm hand gripped his arm and a few moments later he was dragged like a little kid through the main street of Four Corners.

"Aw, Vin, don't do that! Let go! Cut it out, Vin. Vin!"

Vin propelled him towards the jail. The town's inhabitants looked on with amusement. JD saw the quiet laughter in Chris' green eyes and suddenly he was really mad at Vin.

"Damn it, Vin! Ya had no right!"

Vin just shoved him in the chair he had occupied himself a few moments earlier and leaned against the nearest post. It didn't seem like he was going anywhere. JD made himself small and wished he was everywhere but here.

"Eh... hi Chris."

Chris only looked at him.

Silence reigned.

Finally Vin threw up his hands in the air and snarled to JD. "Kid, fer the love of God, what is it ya want with Chris? Why are ya watchin' him every damn minute of the day?"

"I'm not! Well, not every minute. I just... I just...."

"JD, what?" asked Chris' soft voice.

JD looked at him carefully. There was no anger in Chris' eyes, only curiosity and also some weariness. That hurt, the last thing JD wanted was to make his hero weary of him.

"Ever since we've been back from Bear Pass, ya been watching me. Why?"

"Well, eh... Oh Chris, this will sound so stupid. It's just..."

He looked down at the ground. How to say this? But Josiah was right, just watching Chris wasn't going to give him the answer. If he wanted to understand, he had to ask. So he squared his shoulders, looked back up at Chris and just told him.

"At Bear Pass you said... you said you'd been alone ever since yer family died and it was nothing new to ya. I knew I had ta leave, but I hated it. Not just leaving you, also...also..." JD turned a bright red. It seemed so selfish now!

"I eh...I really hated to be out all alone on the trail, no one to talk to, or to tell me things would be okay. Chris, I felt awful so alone. I got to thinking 'bout you, 'bout what ya said, ya know, 'bout ya always bein' alone since. since yer fam'ly. It made me wonder and I jist remembered how you're constantly, I mean. Chris! Why do you stay by yerself all the time? Why are y' always out here alone, or in the saloon alone, or you go off to yer shack? How can ya stand it?"

Chris looked stunned for a moment at the outburst. He didn't say anything, just looked at JD. JD started to squirm under that penetrating gaze.

Finally Chris looked up at Vin. "That what I do, Vin?"

"Yep. Comes as naturally to ya as breathin'. That what ya feel, ya been alone ever since ya lost yer family?" There was a quiet anger in the young man's eyes.

"Yep, until I looked into some damn stubborn, pig-headed Texan eyes. Wasn't gonna tell JD that. Had ta get him ta move. Ta go git help. Said a lot more ta make 'm move."

"Alright then."

Chris looked back at JD, who didn't really understand why that conversation had taken place, but he did pick up one thing. "Ya lied ta me, Chris? Ta git me movin'?"

"Not lied, JD, exaggerated. Don't mind being on my own, you know that's true. It's why you've been stalking me. It was the same with feeling myself bleed. I was bleeding, just didn't expect ta bleed ta death from it. JD, you got a big heart and I knew ya didn't wanna leave me, but it had ta be done."

"Still don't understand why you're always out here on yer own. Even in the saloon, somehow yer alone. Ya don't come over and hang out with us. Well you hang out with us sometimes when we drag you in, but lots of times ya don't! Why not?"

Chris slumped back in his chair and pushed a hand through his hair. He all of a sudden looked very tired.

"Cause I don't want to, JD."

"But why?"

"Don't like the talk."

"Vin don't talk much but he hangs out with us. When he ain't hanging with you that is. Vin's 'bout the only one ya seek fer company unless it's business, it's about the job. I don't understand! I'd hate it. Hate ta be on my own all the time! You've got friends, Chris. We're yer friends!"

"I know. That's enough, just to know it."

Chris looked at Vin for a moment. Vin understood, he knew. The man's eyes were quietly laughing about his discomfort. He heaved a sigh and looked at JD once more.

"Can't stand all the talking, all the jokes, all that pushing in. Never did like talking 'bout nothing. Now, I hate it. It crowds out my family, Sarah and Adam."

He saw the incomprehension on the young man's face. "I've got my family inside me, JD. It's the only way I can still have them with me. Damn fire took it all, everything, and left me with nothing. Pony is the only memory I have left from the most important time in my life. That and what I carry inside. Ain't letting all the nonsense of other people drown them out, JD, not even if those people are my friends."

Chris looked away now. "Sometimes the pain's too much and I need ta do something 'bout that. Buck thinks I try ta forget at those times. I never do that. I never want ta forget! I need ta remember. Just sometimes I want ta deaden the pain inside."

Chris took his book again. "That answer yer question, JD?"

"Y...yes." The young man was visibly shaken. He didn't know what he'd expected, some world changing truth maybe, something wise on the outlook of life. Not this revelation of deep, undying grief. He shuddered. He wished he'd never asked.

"Quit the damn stalking, JD. I've had enough of it. Leave it alone."

"all right, Chris." Dejectedly the young man walked away. Chris looked after him, then at Vin who took the chair back.

"Don't reckon he understands."

"Well, most people don't. Why ya tell 'im? Ain't like you ta talk 'bout this."

"Don't know. Somehow I think he needed ta know. He's got this strange image of me in his head. And he's grown. Grown a lot since he shot Annie as well. He's learning to deal with stuff. He's a good man, Vin. Someone I don't mind knowing this."

"Yep." Vin leaned his chair back against the wall of the jail and pulled his hat over his eyes. "He sure is. And yer family must've been real special too, wish I'd known 'em, Cowboy. Hey, ya finally gonna read ta me from that damn book?"

Chris grinned. "You done somethin' ta deserve it?"

"Uppity, no good, scrawny Cowboy. I put up with ya. Should be 'nough ta reward me. Sides, I don't get ya ta read to me from time ta time, I'll prob'ly forgit how your voice sounds. Now, don't keep me waitin'!"

Chris laughed, the sombre mood JD's question had put him in forgotten. He looked at the book in his hand, then back at this quiet young man who'd made life more bearable again. Vin said he wished he'd known his family. He suddenly wished that too. And that Sarah and Adam had known Vin as well. They would have liked him a lot.

"How 'bout I tell ya some stories instead about Sarah and Adam? Introduce ya to them?"

Vin's sudden widening of his eyes was answer enough.

END