Baby by Suzy

Another three years flew by with nothing on her mind except a baby. Mary leaned outside the door of her business work, The Clarion, with crossed arms, her hair pinned back into a loose bun, and flushed.

The mid afternoon sun soaked her skin and she tried as hard as possible to stay cool in the same tight fitted dress she could only wear during the hot summer heat.

She watched the bustling of the town, waiting for her eyes to come across Chris Larabee, the man she knew for now four years. Time was running out and she had yet to make her move on the gunslinger. She knew she wanted to and always had the intention to, but never had the guts. She was too busy trying to make what’s right in her head, with Gerard, her deceased husband’s best friend, and when he asked for her hand in marriage. She declined him with as much care as she intended but it wasn’t enough when she left the land with Chris, Vin, and the others to come back home. Though, that was some odd years ago and every now and then she’d receive letters from Gerard, telling her what his plans are and how his daughter had been doing.

Mary missed Katie.

And even now after three years, she had to maintain her distance from the gunslinger of what he may do if she ever decided to speak her feelings about their slowly growing relationship.

Truth be told, they both had some torment to get through and when Mary could finally find some peace when her husband’s killer was brought to justice, Chris couldn’t when Ella Gaines was still on the loose and no trace of her was brought to their side of the territory, and that ate Chris inside knowing he had a chance to kill her but didn’t and still that next time lures in the back of his throat, waiting next time to happen right now.

His grief over his family’s life and the thought of not putting Ella down like a dog turned him as hard and remote in his shack in the hills. When the lighter side of him would come up for air, it was immediately turned on when a bad thought crossed his mind about his past. He needed some mighty tough love before it was too late.

And that was the biggest, strongest motivation for Mary to just think that all Chris needed was love.

She could give him that, only if he didn’t push her away time and time again. When this would be her first attempt to show him love, she hoped for everything he wouldn’t turn her down. It’s been too long for the both of them.

And then he did. Chris crossed the path in front of her eyes with Vin walking by his side toward the saloon. Mary leaned right up from the door and waited for Chris to acknowledge her but he never did as they walked by.

Mary leaned her straight body to an arch structure then leaned her bottom on the wooden bench behind her. She watched Chris and Vin disappear within the saloon doors and watched a bit more before turning her eyes away and heading back inside The Clarion office.

She exhaled slowly and settled back in her desk by the back office windows. She pulled out a fresh, clean piece of paper and uncapped the ink dish then dipped the thin paper tip into the dish and prepared herself to write.

But what to write? Her mind suddenly went blank and she went back to thinking about a baby. She wanted another baby as much as she had wanted the town to grow and become statehood. She wanted a baby so bad to the point where she couldn’t think about anything else.

She looked at the blank white paper at her hands and wrote baby. Billy was going to be nine years old before she knew it and he didn’t like it when she called him her little baby boy. He’d always be her little boy, but his comment had picked at her heart. He would grow to full grown and be on his way to join the army, or the rangers, and be out on his own one of these days. Buck was already teaching him how to use a gun, and Mary remembered she didn’t like that and ratted on Buck for months over it.

Mary set the ink utensil down beside the freshly damp white paper with baby written all over it. She hadn’t realized she got carried away thinking about a baby and she quickly disposed the paper into the wastebasket.

The very thought of having a baby now filled her mouth with anger and eyes with tears. How could she have been so childish to think it was possible to have a child now with no one to love her or make love to her just so she could have her wish?

Having another child was a wish of hers she knew could never be granted, but also having Chris Larabee as her companion was an even bigger wish she never dreamt would come true. Not in a million years since they still haven’t come close after four years of being professionally linked.

Mary didn’t need to blame Chris for all of their mistreated, personal conversations though. She had plenty of hands involved when Ella Gaines came back to town and swept Chris off his feet. Mary didn’t understand what Ella did that made Chris go completely nuts for her in one afternoon. She never could do that, not when she even tried. Mary was confused and hurt and irritated with Chris. She had found out about Ella some short days after the seven came back to town from the ranch and found Chris injured. Then one day she received this unknown letter with no returning address sent to her strict newspaper with Chris Larabee handwritten on the front. She gave the letter to Chris in his usual sitting area—in the corner of her building—and waited until he opened it only to find out the letter from his lover when a photo dropped into his lap of him and Ella.

She hadn’t seen the photo since and didn’t know what Chris did with it. Burned it, she hoped.

The Clarion door opened then and Chris popped his head inside. With surprise and overwhelmed, Mary couldn’t trust her legs to stand to meet him when he stepped all the way in, shutting the door behind him.

He dressed in his usual black stalk coat and black cotton buttoned down shirt with his black hat shading his eyes as he scanned the darkness and the empty shadows of the Clarion.

He didn’t ask about the darkness of the office but the expression across his face said enough.

“Hello Chris.” Mary said, then backed up breath huffed from her lungs.

Chris stood by the door for a second before walking up to her desk. “Did you have something for me?”

Mary widened her eyes, “Pardon?”

Chris peered down at her desk and saw black ink all over her fingers and hands. He ignored it, “The route to the wagon you want us to bring into town.”

She crooked her head, puzzled. She didn’t compute what he was talking about. All she could watch were his lips moving, but no sound.

“Newspaper supplies, Mary.” Chris said after a half minute of silence. He didn’t have time for these games of misplaced memory.

Mary shook her head, snapping out of her fantasy, apologizing. “Yes, I have it here.” She stood and walked to a wooden file cabinet and took from the top a torn piece of paper, giving directions to the wagon two men were to wait with for only four hours until three men from Four Corners came to give money in trade for Mary’s newspaper supplies.

“I’m sorry about that, Chris, my mind’s been circling around so many things lately.” She gave him a generous smile, but he did nothing in return but take the directions from her.

The smile snapped from her face to a solemn line of guilt for acting so adolescent toward him. Disappointment expanded, tightening her chest when Chris turned his back on her, looking over the directions in his hand. She didn’t know why she had to watch her words around him anymore. He lived in that town she half ran for a while now so why couldn’t she let loose around him and be herself without having to worry if she said something to defend him? He should have learned by now that she loved to enjoy life too beside worrying about what happened next in town to repair and make new again. That was her then, and this is her now. Why he couldn’t see the change?

“Chris?” Mary quickly spoke up before he left her sight.

Chris turned around and slipped the directions in his pocket. He waited for Mary to continue on after she said his name.

Regretting immediately, Mary put a hand up and shooed him away, “Nevermind. Be careful.”

Chris roughly didn’t tip his hat at her for his acknowledgement, but he did at the last remaining second before he shutting the door, separating Mary from the man she loved.

As the nighttime roared by, Mary stood at the welcoming front window and waited for the wagon containing her materials to arrive with Chris, Josiah, and Ezra with it.

She crossed her arms over her chest, changed herself in a more comfortable attire for the evening moon and waited.

“Mary?” Vin suddenly walked through the door, letting a cool summer breeze right in unwelcome.

“Yes?” she said when Vin left the door open as he stood in the setting sun’s light.

“I was just at look out and saw Chris and others coming with the wagon.”

Mary looked hopeful, knowing she would meet Chris again face to face, and after Vin told her, she saw as he was about to leave, and she stopped him by calling his name.

“Vin, is it okay if I talk to you?”

Vin didn’t hesitate and opened the door further and stepped all the way inside to stand in front of Mary. Then he adjusted the uncomfortable upright standing status to his infamous lean.

“What is it, Mary?”

Mary felt her cheeks heat with embarrassment for even inviting Vin into her thoughts, but felt if she let out what she had on her mind it’d be okay. She took her hand away from her lips and set it down hard against the slanted desk before her.

“I don’t know how comfortable you are talking about your friends to a woman—about one particular friend.”

“Mary,” Vin said as soft as possible. “Look at me.” Mary looked up and found sudden comfort and reassurance in Vin’s big eyes. “Chris.”

She was taken aback then nodded, “That obvious, huh?” Vin laughed quietly to himself, knowing he could never lose at the guessing game. Though, that wasn’t exactly a guess. He had known about Mary’s infatuation with Chris from the very beginning, and couldn’t help but feel torn for the journalist he had grown to love as a friend every time Chris looked the other way.

Mary took a deep breath, “It feels like you’re the only one I can talk to about him. He’s—complicated in so many ways but that’s what makes me want him more. I love him, Vin. I do. And I don’t know what will make him happy.”

Vin shook his head, “It’s not you, Mary.”

“I wish he would tell me that.”

The bounty hunter stared down the heart filled woman with so much love for one man that she could save three countries with just her love for him.

“I don’t know what will make him happy, Mary, I don’t ever ask him or—“ Vin changed sides to lean on and grunted to release pressure. “Hell, I’m not very good at this.”

“No, Vin, it’s okay. I should have never said anything.”

“No, Damnit.” Vin cursed then cursed under his breath at himself for cursing in front of a lady. “You said you can come to me with these types of feelins’, and you should be able without me gettin’ bothered with it.”

Mary quickly shook her head with regret. “I’m sorry.”

Vin let out heap of breath and looked down at the floor. “If it’s any consolation, Mary, Chris knows you and he notices you and has for a very long time. He finally talks of what he wants for himself and what he’s after, but he’s just the shell of the man he was and no matter how many times he tries to break free, it never happens and he ends up getting nothing.”

Okay, little comfort for her but it wasn’t the whole pie she craved for. All she could do in response to Vin’s pleading statement was a nod of the head. Before either could continue, the wagon hurdles to a stop in front of the Clarion and both Vin and Mary turn to find Chris, Josiah, and Ezra saddled up by it.

Vin looked at Mary, “Come on.”

She watched him walk out the door and meet with Chris. She took one, long, relaxing breath, walked around the corner of the desk and out the door to the wagon.

The night finally descended to an end and Chris walked out of the saloon away from the hooting drunks behind him. He was the last on watch and found himself content to leave the saloon for a change and fall asleep finally.

He walked down the stretch of the town toward Virginia’s Hotel, passing sleepwalkers on the street. Chris looked up and found the clouds in a heap of trouble as they clashed together and created the roaring sounds of thunder. Then before he knew it, the once dry, dusty town became wet and damp and bright from the flashes of lightning.

He gave a grunt when he looked before him seeing Virginia’s Hotel at the end of town. Not that it bothered him to walk in the pouring rain to it; he hated having to soak his clothes before falling into bed. Just another chore he had to do before drowning himself to sleep.

For a night like this, he wasn’t tired a bit though. And like many occasions during a thunderstorm, windstorm, or dust storm, he’d lie in bed and think. Just think about nothing except his wife and son. Maybe not even them. Many attempts he tried to trip up on his pistol in the holster and accidentally kill himself. Didn’t sound like a bad idea, but it wasn’t good for the thoughts and he detested the idea immediately.

Killing himself wouldn’t bring him back to his family.

As the rain pounded against his back he didn’t pay much attention to the outside world around him. He walked past The Clarion noticing the lights were still on, but low. He wanted to ignore the low light but having the gunslinger and protector instinct, he decided to pay Mary a quick night visit.

Moving towards The Clarion without his best wishes crawling in the corner of his mind, he knocked slyly on the door and waited patiently.

When he didn’t get an answer within the thirty seconds he stood there, he turned his back to head back in the rain but as soon as he did he heard a voice call within the building.

Chris turned back around and looked at the closed door. He could have sworn he heard come in faintly coming from within the building. He walked to the door again and opened it a crack to make sure he wasn’t hearing noises.

“Mary?” he said in the dim lighting. He opened the door to its full extent when he saw her back facing him near the back of the office in front of an opened, wooden trunk.

Mary tilted her head to the side to make sure who she would heard call her name was the man she thought did.

“Can I help you with something, Chris?”

Chris reached for the doorknob, apologizing for barging in like that. He aimed to close the door after apologizing and leave her sight but her voice spoke up again.

“Chris. Come over here for a second.” Mary said, lowly. Chris let go of the doorknob with a full grown grunt of dissatisfaction.

Mary turned around this time all the way and looked at him as she leaned on her knees.

“I want to show you something.” She said.

Chris looked out in the pouring rain and wished he was anywhere but with her alone. He closed eyes and with a loud sigh and did as told and closed the door and walked over to where she kneeled in front of the trunk.

She looked up at him as she was waist height to him.

“Look what I found this afternoon.” She lifted a light piece of material in the shape of a small, baby gown. She held it in her hands with as less pressure as she could. In one pull, the gown would fall into pieces.

In awe, Chris knelt down beside her and took the gown from her hands carefully.

“It was my son’s baptismal gown.” Mary told him. “Can you believe Billy use to be this small?” The gown didn’t look like it could fit any handmade baby doll.

Chris looked over the knitted gown, bringing all new memories of Adam and when he was baptized. He and Sarah stood on the bank of Tully Lake while Father Raines performed the duty of the baptism. God had shown his grace on the family of three all that day with his sun shining down and not a speck of cloud or ghastly, heated wind.

New memories, in deed, Chris thought as he handed Mary the gown back.

“Did your son have one?” she asked.

Chris looked at her then shook his head after a moment of silence. He knew what happened to Adam’s gown, and his clothes as he grew to toddler, then a boy. They had burned in the fire along with his personal possessions, his own clothes, everything he knew to be peaceful and feel like a man with love. He left half his soul in that fire, he wanted to tell Mary, but didn’t.

Mary carefully folded the gown and placed it back in the wooden box on her lap where it came from.

“He’s getting so big, he’ll be nine years old soon.” Mary closed the lid of the box and put it back inside the old trunk.

“Children do that. They grow up and one day will leave.” Chris said.

“It’s nice of you to lighten up the moment, Chris.” Mary said with a rush of breath following out of her mouth. She was being sarcastic and when she looked at Chris’s expression after what she said, he knew what she meant.

Chris put his hand on the trunk and started to stand but Mary’s gasp caused him to stop moving. He looked at what she was gasped at and when she pulled her hands out of the box she lifted up a white velvet baby book.

“Oh, I’ve been looking everywhere for this.” Mary said, tracing her palm over the touch of the velvet. She looked at Chris, “My husband made this for me when I told him I was pregnant with Billy.” She opened the book and found the very first photo of Billy in Mary’s arms after she delivered him. “It was empty for nine months before Stephen could put any photos in. He was always so nuts over this book. He was real proud of himself for putting it together.”

A baby book, Chris thought. Clever.

He watched Mary flip through the pages, walking down memory lane to very moments Billy was born to now.

“After Stephen was gone, I sort of lost track of keeping this updated. Then Billy moved to his grandparents and I never had the chance to.” Mary fell to the last updated page and looked upon her son’s brightest smile with Stephen behind him. She touched her husband’s colored photo face and began to tear up. “We were planning to have another child when the paper calmed down. Stephen had his heart set on a daughter and I told him if we ended up with a boy, we could keep trying until he got his wish.” Mary had to laugh at that, but then her fun faded when she thought of never having another child again. She could never bear another child because her husband was gone and she couldn’t do it alone. But she wanted a baby, and she’s wanted one for so long now that it was hard to keep down.

“I still want another baby.” She whispered lowly, but loud enough for Chris to understand her.

Chris moved his hat to cover more of his eyes so she wouldn’t see the same passion she sent off. Truth be told, he wanted a child of his own and knew that would ease some of the suffering he invited willingly into his life everyday.

Mary looked at him long and hard before she said, “Chris.”

Chris grabbed the rim of his hat over his eyes further, and then looked at her when he was comfortable enough to do it.

“I want a baby, Chris.” Mary whispered.

“So do I.” Chris found himself saying. He didn’t want but he couldn’t stop himself from not.

Mary’s heart dropped to the pit of her stomach and she about looked hopeful as she tried to look into Chris’s now closed eyes. As Chris closed his eyes, he made sure he couldn’t see her face but see his wife’s. Instead of the same picture he’d have locked inside his memory of the last time he saw Sarah and Adam alive, he only saw Sarah looking right at him. He looked at his wife for as long as he could before she mouthed the word yes.

Yes what, he asked himself. Inside his memory, he saw Sarah put a hand on her belly, and nod yes. Chris wanted to shout WHAT!? But didn’t because it was just a thought running through his mind.

Sarah began to fade and before she did she told Chris in her own voice, with her own words that it was okay to move on without her, and with his own words spoken to Billy Travis, the hardest thing you can is to keep on living. Chris needed to keep on living without Sarah in his memory, and without Adam.

Oh, that thought coated the inside of Chris’s mouth with disgusted hate. It was the hardest to do—move on, but this new image in his head of Sarah telling him it was okay to move on surprised him.

“Chris?” Mary asked and he opened his eyes then. He looked at Mary, thinking his wife was really telling him from a place he could not see or be that it was okay now. She was okay. Adam was okay. So now he needed to be okay.

“Chris, I know—“ Mary began with love in her heart, knowing Chris would actually agree to have a child with her. “You don’t think fond of me sometimes—most of the time—but we know what each other want and that’s a child. A child, Chris.”

Chris looked away but as soon as he did Mary brought her hand to stop him and turn to look her in the eyes.

“Let’s make a baby.”

Her words caught in his throat and he begged himself to turn away, but couldn’t. She was willing to give him what was taken away many years ago. She was willing. Chris opened his eyes wider because he didn’t have to hide in the darkness, didn’t have to fear for what he might see in her eyes or what she might learn from his.

Without his stern ways of behaving and the strip of his gunslinger outlook, he took Mary’s hand in his and squeezed gently. He looked down at their linked fingers and when he looked back up, Mary’s lips fell upon his so soft, so pure.

She gave him light kisses but when his stiff, dry lips didn’t move against her in rhythm she pulled away her linked fingers with his and brought both hands to his scruff complexion and pulled his face closer to hers. With a stronger kiss, Chris was left with nothing to do but kiss her back with as much force she gave.

Mary slid her thumbs over the delicate skin beneath the eyes as she held his head. She took one longer kiss and pulled away from his lips but not from his face.

“Baby,” she whispered then before she could think about another thing, Chris ran his lips into hers for another demanding kiss and did not let go this time.

For the longest time in a long time, Mary was finally going to get what she wanted. Chris wanted a baby, Mary wanted a baby, and they were going to have a baby together. She didn’t know what this was going to mean in the future to come for the journalist and gunslinger that only had a strict, professional relationship.

Two very different human beings were coming together to really make something of themselves. A child, a family, a new beginning.

End.