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Twilight.
The golden rays of the departing sun cast strays of amber over the wooden floor of the large den. The man sat slumped on the chair in front of the desk, shoulders hunched, head cradled in his hands. The light tried to arouse some interest in him by playing with the shadows, but those piercing green eyes kept staring off into something far away in time and space.
The cheerful wind coming through the open window made an attempt by ruffling the man’s blond hair and tickling his nose with the fresh scent of woods.
The wind failed, too.
Fact was that nothing…nothing could have moved Chris Larabee from his reverie.
Amazing, what a mere song could do to a man. Amazing and scary.
Chris had been trying to make some order on his desk, finally deciding to find out just what the hell that huge pile of documents and papers near his computer was about. He had turned the radio on, knowing that music helped his concentration when he had to do light work.
Said work had been making a steady progression, up until a few seconds ago, when the rich voice of a woman had started singing a song. Their song.
Things had gotten blurred then and memories had taken over.
So this is who I am,
And this is all I know,
And I must choose to live,
For all that I can give,
The spark that makes the power grow
Chris remembered the time when he had understood who he really was and what he really knew. He had thought he had always known, but then he had realized that what he had thought to know didn’t mean anything.
He remembered the exact instant.
In a golden twilight of several years ago, very similar to this one in light, he had looked into a girl’s eyes for a first time. Really looked…and in that instant, he had understood who Chris Larabee really was.
He had felt naked, completely revealed for the world to see. He had felt his mask, his barriers, slip away and melt like salt in the water. He had felt a power coursing through him, filling him up with its force: the power of being.
Sarah’s eyes were the spark that showed him was it was like to be free.
And I will stand for my dream if I can,
Symbol of my faith in who I am,
But you are my only,
He remembered the hard time he had with Hank Connelly, trying to convince him to let him marry his daughter, trying to make him see just how much he loved her.
He remembered Sarah singing those lyrics to him when he got particularly frustrated, telling him that they would ‘stand for their dream’. The would get married, they would have a home together, they would have lots of screaming children running about.
He remembered Sarah’s fingers caressing his face at night, her soft lips pressed against his as she whispered those words in the dark: “You are my only”.
And I must follow on the road that
lies ahead,
And I won’t let my heart control
my head,
But you are my only
He had tried. How he had tried to follow his road and to become an ATF agent without getting caught up in any distraction. But it just happened that he got distracted by two blue eyes and soft red hair. And his heart had taken control of his head the moment Sarah had smiled her shining smile at him.
And we don’t say goodbye,
And I know what I’ve got to be
He had known. Chris had known what he had to be. He had to be her friend, her protector, her lover. He had to be her husband. He had to be “her only”. And when Adam was born, he knew he had to be a father.
A guardian and a lover, that’s what he had to be. He had to love and guard the two most precious things in his life.
But he had failed. And they had said goodbye after all.
Immortality
I make my journey through eternity
I keep the memory of you and
me inside
Did Sarah remember him? In her own journey through eternity, was she holding onto their memory?
“That’s bullshit, Larabee,” he told himself bitterly. “She’s dead. You don’t hold onto anything when you’re dead.”
Still, he couldn’t help but wondering.
Fulfill your destiny,
Is there within the child,
When he had first taken Adam in his arms, holding both him and Sarah close to him, he had thought his destiny fulfilled. Up until then, he had always thought to be happy. But he had realized that he had merely been cheerful compared to what he had been feeling then.
My storm will never end,
My fate is on the wind,
The king of hearts, the joker’s wild,
Those cards had undoubtedly thrown him a horrible hand, robbing him of his treasures, stripping him of his soul. It was true, his storm would never end. He was better now than what he had been three years ago, but that pain, that darkness was always there, nagging at him, eating at him, ready to devour him wholly. His fate drifted on the wind, and it would never stop doing that.
But we don’t say goodbye,
I’ll make them all remember me
He did remember her. So vividly at times, so blurrily at others, but he did remember her. He always would. And Buck…Buck remembered Sarah, too. She would always be in his big heart. Everyone who had the honor to know her remembered that beautiful woman. She had a way of carving a place in people’s hearts and staying there for the rest of their lives.
Chris had a very vague recollection of the funeral, the only thing he remembered clearly being his own agony, but he did remember that there had been a lot of people. So many people…
‘Cos I have found a dream that must
come true
Every ounce of me must see it through,
He had no more dreams. No more hopes, no more wishes. He was empty. He hadn’t felt the thrill of fighting for a goal in…God, in a lifetime. There was just no point in ambition without her.
But you are my only
Jesus Christ, those words… He’d give anything just to hear her whisper those words, just one more time.
I’m sorry I don’t have a role for love
to play,
Hand over my heart I’ll find my way,
There had been a time when he had thought there just wasn’t any space for love in his life. What was the use in giving your heart to a person, only to have it broken? He had been terrified of getting hurt. Until Sarah had walked into his life and they had found their way, together, hand in hand, heart in heart.
I will make them give to me
Immortality
Immortality…The most utopian thing in the world. A thing such as immortality just didn’t exist. Chris knew it all too well.
There is a vision and a fire in me
I keep the memory of you and
me inside
Just thinking of Sarah used to light a fire in him that made him feel invincible. Not anymore. Now thinking of her brought only memories, memories laced with pain for her loss.
And we don’t say goodbye
We don’t say goodbye
With all my love for you
And what else we may do
We don’t say, goodbye
But they had. They had said goodbye. He had lost her.
The song ended, and Chris found tears slowly rolling down his cheeks. He didn’t tried to fight them. He cried. He cried like he hadn’t done in a long while.
The wind made another try at rousing the stricken man, and this time it succeeded, because Chris had the sudden sensation of gentle fingers caressing his cheek.
He lifted his head, looking out the window at the leaves of the trees swinging in the breeze.
The man got up and went outside. He stood there, unmoving, staring at the sky dressed up with the gushing colors of sunset.
The invisible hands came back, gently pushing his hair out of his face, stroking his skin. And then he heard it, a soft whisper to his ear.
“You are my only”
And then, as softly as she had come, she was gone.
Tears kept flowing from Chris’ green eyes, but they weren’t tears of pain anymore. They were now tears of peace.
Immortality existed. Their love had been given it.
THE END